*wrote on the 5th* *its deep*
Well i had a really bad night last night.:( All through my life i have just lost people. When i was 4 i "lost" my dad to bi polar manic depression, then he left. After my dad left my mom like went crazy, i dont have the strong relationship with my sister ne more and i need her more then ne thing.... i lost a whole bunch of ppl i loved to death, i lost John which i think hurt the most and now i lost jessica. I was talkin to my mom about this all and she said that people are brought into your life to serve a purpose, to help u in some way and when god thinks theyve served their purpose he takes them out.I think that is what happened with garrett and jessica. I think John was sent to me to save me.....and well he did. He made me realize that life is good and there are things to live for. My mom said she thanks god everyday for bringin John to me.... if he wouldnt of been brought it when he was id most likely be dead. I thank god everyday for bringin him in my life and even more for takin him out.... i know that might sound bad but i dont believe that garrett and i were meant for eachother. I learned a lot from him.... he taught me things i never knew before....made me see things.......i made mistakes with him and now i know never to do those things again. Jessica i think was another person brought into my lfie for a purpose....... She i think was brought to me to help me through my dad illness............be a shoulder to cry on when my parents got divorced....a guide for when things got bad......and i love her for being there for me and helpin me through everything......Now that god sees that i am gonna be ok hes takin jessica out of my life.......do i want her out? no, i love her more then ne thing shes my best friend, my sister. id die for her if she jumped off a bridge id jump with her.........but god doesnt seem to want her in my life.......she doesnt either....and sumtimes i just gotta be ok with that...it hurts and all that but now that these ppl are gone ive got to move on.....other people will come around and maybe fill that hole left in your heart from the people before...maybe not....what really bothers me about the whole losin ppl thing is one day my dads gonna wake up and hes gonna lose his mind.....this disease he has will do this to him.......if i lost my dad i dont know what id do....just typin that sentence is makin me cry......this man i live with isnt the dad that i had..hes just a totally different man....it kills me to know that hes gonin to be gone.....nobody knows how long.....it could be a day a week 5 months or a year...i guess all i can do is love him unconditionally and be the best daughter i can be...same thing goes for my mom....im just now startin to realize that ya my mom can be a pyscho bitch but she is an amazin woman she was raisin me after my dad left workin 18 hour shift and 2 jobs and we survived.She an amazin woman and shes another person that made me be who i am today and is my shoulder to cry on....i want all this pain and shit to go away but ya know even though the pain is there i gotta move on....life goes on
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