Letter to Ben
Dear Ben,
I've been trying to write this letter more times than you could know. Part of me hasn't wanted to start it as I feel like it's really going to finalise things, and part of me just feels so overwhelmed with different emotions and confusion, that I feel like I still don't know what I want.
What I do know though, is that I'm not happy. I'm not myself and I've been going downhill again. This is something I have tried really hard to not succumb to - it was one of the reasons why I quit work last year to take the time to heal myself and get my life back on track. I thought I was doing so when I met you, and I felt like things were finally looking up the first few months we had been together, but since the start of this year, things have progressively declined in our relationship and I've felt more alone now than what I did before I met you.
I know you're going through some hard times, but I feel like it's never going to end, and that you are more comfortable with times being tough than to actually move forward.
What we've been going through in our relationship is something I didn't want to go through again. I feel somewhat betrayed in the sense that I thought I made it really clear before we met, that I was looking for someone to settle down with, to make a future with, go on adventures and talk about anything and everything, and you made it clear you wanted the same. You got me to the point I let my guard down and let you into my heart - I thought I could trust you and that we were on the same wavelengths, but nowadays I feel like I was just lead on to believe all that and I'm so hurt and angry that you allowed me to fall in love with you, while you knew in the background you had all this stuff you needed to deal with. It frustrates me each time you say that you didn't realise that the last 2 years would finally catch up with you, because surely you had some idea of how you deal with things, what your expectations were and what you had going on.
Before we even met, you made me believe that you were quite happy to relocate, that long distance wasn't an issue, that you were able to be open and honest with me and that you were ready to move on in life. It's been months now since I feel like that guy exists anymore. Your actions constantly show me that you're not ready to settle down with someone, that you don't want to make the time for me and that you don't want to share a life with me.
I've been trying to write this letter more times than you could know. Part of me hasn't wanted to start it as I feel like it's really going to finalise things, and part of me just feels so overwhelmed with different emotions and confusion, that I feel like I still don't know what I want.
What I do know though, is that I'm not happy. I'm not myself and I've been going downhill again. This is something I have tried really hard to not succumb to - it was one of the reasons why I quit work last year to take the time to heal myself and get my life back on track. I thought I was doing so when I met you, and I felt like things were finally looking up the first few months we had been together, but since the start of this year, things have progressively declined in our relationship and I've felt more alone now than what I did before I met you.
I know you're going through some hard times, but I feel like it's never going to end, and that you are more comfortable with times being tough than to actually move forward.
What we've been going through in our relationship is something I didn't want to go through again. I feel somewhat betrayed in the sense that I thought I made it really clear before we met, that I was looking for someone to settle down with, to make a future with, go on adventures and talk about anything and everything, and you made it clear you wanted the same. You got me to the point I let my guard down and let you into my heart - I thought I could trust you and that we were on the same wavelengths, but nowadays I feel like I was just lead on to believe all that and I'm so hurt and angry that you allowed me to fall in love with you, while you knew in the background you had all this stuff you needed to deal with. It frustrates me each time you say that you didn't realise that the last 2 years would finally catch up with you, because surely you had some idea of how you deal with things, what your expectations were and what you had going on.
Before we even met, you made me believe that you were quite happy to relocate, that long distance wasn't an issue, that you were able to be open and honest with me and that you were ready to move on in life. It's been months now since I feel like that guy exists anymore. Your actions constantly show me that you're not ready to settle down with someone, that you don't want to make the time for me and that you don't want to share a life with me.