Where is she now?
I've been really bad about writing lately. Have a hard time trusting people due to the way I've been treated this year. I have so much I need to get out, but I'm not sure who or how to. Funny that I feel that I can let some of it out here, as most of the people I am friends with here barely know me. I guess that leads me to wonder if it is my decision or theirs? But I digress...
Life has been both fantastic and heartwrenching lately, amazing how things can be both ends of the spectrum at once huh?
I lost my job in August and have been working freelance since then, which has been great. I really like the people and keep hoping that they will hire me full time. In the meantime though, I have no insurance and thusly have not been on my medications. I definitely feel myself giving in to the grips of depression, it's taking over my whole body. I ache all over. I'm miserable about how I look and don't care enough to do anything about it. It's really a sickening circle. I feel more and more like I cannot connect with those around me, like I really don't fit in anywhere. Am I just doing that to myself? Probably. Well, I don't fit in anywhere but home. That is the one thing that I am most thankful for these days, Eric. I have a man that loves me more than I could have ever hoped or dreamed for. He knows all of my faults and still wants to spend the rest of his life with me. How did I ever stumble on that? With all the decisions I have made in my life, I figured I would not have someone to love me regardless and yet I do.
I feel alone most days, especially since Eric is now on nights. I should go out and see my friends, but really when I do, I feel like I don't know how to relate to them. Like the fucked up part of me is just to fucked up to really show to anyone. I have made the decision to cut certain people out of my life as I cannot take the hurt they insist on handing out. Speaking of that, am I really a horrible person? That is what has been said over and over about me. But what have I done that makes me this? I dont' really think that the things I have done in my life are awful or hateful. I really do try to be caring and accepting of others no matter what, but in return I get bad mouthed and put down. Do I invite this type of person into my life? Is that awful dark place I have inside of me what attracts them? I cannot help the things I feel and the thoughts I have. They are an unfortunate by product of the disease I suffer from. I don't love that part of me, but it is just that, a part of me, something that I was handed to deal with and I'm doing the best I can.
It's a crazy place inside my head and I would give most anything to feel "normal".
Then there is Eric. Our love is my sanctuary, the only place I feel completely at home and safe. There was a time where I only had this feeling in my burner community, but that too has changed. Some days, if not most, I just wish I didn't have to leave the safety of our home and go out where I am a target for those that can't get enough of hating me.
I know a lot of these feelings are just depression and I will be fine. And life will go on. I know soon enough I will be able to be back on my meds and feeling better, but until then... I could just stare at the ceiling and let the hours pass. Hoping it doesn't make too big of a scare on me in the meantime. I miss feeling inspiration and hope. I miss feeling lighthearted and free. Although, I don't know if I was ever able to really FEEL those things freely. I wish I could just be ok. I'd kill for confidence, in anything really.
This is kinda weird for me, cause there are only a handful of people in this world that I have ever even hinted to that I have a disease that controls me. But, well, I guess I've just gotten to a point where I'm either trying my damndest to be truthful or I'm just hoping for more people to run away... I couldn't really tell you right now if I tried.
Give it an hour, my mood will change... maybe tomorrow I will be trying to take over the world... who fucking knows?