(no subject)
i am ok.
there have been so many things racing through my mind these past few weeks. i've been talking to a lot of my friends and they all say that i'm doing an amazing job all things considered. just going through the motions and existing is all i really can do. i've been meeting a lot of new people and thats awesome. trying to prove that i can be perfectly happy without a significant other is sometimes very easy and sometimes very hard. i dont want to sound all whiny and complaining stuff, but i just miss him. and today it hit me pretty hard when i woke up on the verge of tears due to a dream i had. like, i know that this is what both of us really need right now, more than anything. but there are sometimes when i just miss things about us so much. i mean, i have been having a lot of fun these past few weeks. but as one of my friends told me, i'm still in relationship mode. i need to get myself out of that mode and into single college student mode. life has been good to me. life has always been really good to me. ever since i was in middle school, life has really been over all good. this is the first major negative event thats happened to me in the past few years. and its been so hard. god, i dont even know what this entry is about. i think its me really finally coming to terms with things. i'm coming to terms with the fact that my life is really just me and myself now. yes, i have all of my friends who i know will talk to me whenever. but, it was just different with him. it was so different. and i need to realize that that isn't there right now. i'm not sure if it will ever be back; i can certainly hope that one day everything will be back to normal. i just never realized how hard this could actually be. holding back tears makes everything so clear. jesus christ. if you asked me if i wanted everything to go back to normal, i wouldn't because this is what he ultimately wanted first. i just agreed. i'd rather he be happy and me die inside rather than me be happy. i've always said that and now its really coming into play. i just hope he is happy. i really do. i need to move on and get past this but oh god is it easier said than done. i dont even know what to do to help me with this. not think about it? think about it? find another guy? become a lesbian? heh, i dont know. GAH! ya know, i just need to keep going through the motions. i just need to realize that i will be ok. i need to stop realizing it and i need to know it. i do know it. i know i will be ok. i know i am ok.
i AM ok.
there have been so many things racing through my mind these past few weeks. i've been talking to a lot of my friends and they all say that i'm doing an amazing job all things considered. just going through the motions and existing is all i really can do. i've been meeting a lot of new people and thats awesome. trying to prove that i can be perfectly happy without a significant other is sometimes very easy and sometimes very hard. i dont want to sound all whiny and complaining stuff, but i just miss him. and today it hit me pretty hard when i woke up on the verge of tears due to a dream i had. like, i know that this is what both of us really need right now, more than anything. but there are sometimes when i just miss things about us so much. i mean, i have been having a lot of fun these past few weeks. but as one of my friends told me, i'm still in relationship mode. i need to get myself out of that mode and into single college student mode. life has been good to me. life has always been really good to me. ever since i was in middle school, life has really been over all good. this is the first major negative event thats happened to me in the past few years. and its been so hard. god, i dont even know what this entry is about. i think its me really finally coming to terms with things. i'm coming to terms with the fact that my life is really just me and myself now. yes, i have all of my friends who i know will talk to me whenever. but, it was just different with him. it was so different. and i need to realize that that isn't there right now. i'm not sure if it will ever be back; i can certainly hope that one day everything will be back to normal. i just never realized how hard this could actually be. holding back tears makes everything so clear. jesus christ. if you asked me if i wanted everything to go back to normal, i wouldn't because this is what he ultimately wanted first. i just agreed. i'd rather he be happy and me die inside rather than me be happy. i've always said that and now its really coming into play. i just hope he is happy. i really do. i need to move on and get past this but oh god is it easier said than done. i dont even know what to do to help me with this. not think about it? think about it? find another guy? become a lesbian? heh, i dont know. GAH! ya know, i just need to keep going through the motions. i just need to realize that i will be ok. i need to stop realizing it and i need to know it. i do know it. i know i will be ok. i know i am ok.
i AM ok.