Fears of blackness, a governmental design.
This may be my first actual rant.
I moved to the south when I was approximately five years old. I was met with the immediate beauty of fall. In my mind, that of a child, I can distinctly recall the fall foliage. I imagined the bright pinks, greens and reds of trees were all lined up to greet us. Waving like leafed hands in the breeze. It was lovely, especially the vibrant, red dirt that I loved to dig in. The black dirt I had once played in was now red, how curious it seemed. It stained most of my clothes and I was promptly told not to play in it. I also remember the schools that I attended and the children that found me different. I said “hi” instead of “hey”, “pop” instead of “soda”. Now, I imagine I carried myself with the pomp and gait of someone surrounded by security, siblings, spirituality and wonder. I was often accused by my peers, mostly black, of trying to be white. I cannot properly explain how badly this hurt my self esteem. I only ever spoke the way I did because I felt it the best way of expressing myself. I would correct any southerner who called me “Kar-ler”. No, it’s “Kar-la”. This only fueled those who wished to ridicule my personality. I could not understand what this beast was, this so called acting white. This acting?! I wasn’t fucking acting, I was being myself or rather trying to be myself and it was my own people of African descent who wouldn’t let me be comfortable in my own skin, our skin. At some point, in my adolescence, I was testing better than my peers. I was moved into different classes and found myself even more alienated because I was the only one there that looked anything like myself. I was wholly unprepared for a transition like that and that was also damaging to my psyche. For many years I could not figure out where I belonged or where I should want to belong. To this day I do not agree with or admire much about black culture, however, I believe it has been adapted to spite society. It is in fact a societal rebellion. Many of our young men let their pants hang below their waist, they wear fitted caps and oversized jerseys and sport expensive or even more disgusting, fake gold and diamond chains. They even wear gold teeth, for fashions sake. This behavior is all in the name of street credibility or "blackness". On the strangely perverse and ironic, opposite end of the spectrum, we have the behavior of our black women. Many of which wear long acrylic nails and European hair extensions while their own beautiful wooly, curly or kinky hair is in unspeakable condition due to improper haircare. I used to do the same things to get away from my blackness, I cannot claim innocence in trying to hide my heritage. Most black women chemically straighten their hair and many wear weaves. Hair weaving has become a lot more common, therefore, acceptable due to the perpetuation of Beyonces’s and Ashanti’s shaking their asses on television for our men’s enjoyment. This is the image of black women that they are taught to desire, this is the image of feminine blackness that I nolonger aspire to uphold. Because of this, I often find it hard to date inside of my race, it seems I cannot bond with a man of black descent on a spiritual level or a cultural level or any other aspect of myself that should be shared with a potential mate. Moreover, when I feel as though I have met a like minded male, they don't seem very interested in dating inside of their race either. The eurocentric bonds called Christianity are very prevalent in the black community, I cannot stand it because it's white images are subtlety but totally oppressive to our heritage, it is so far removed from what we have been. European idealization seems to have noosed the entire world at it's neck, for many thousands of years, seated in it's balcony as they set the stage and laugh at our tragedies and comedies. Must we forget that we are worshipers of the earth, prayers to the land? I find it important to mention that this is the very same religion that we used against those in society to gain back the rights and powers that were sold and stolen from us. Dr. King was a preacher and a civil rights activist, this is irony, this is why it’s roots run so deeply throughout our African American ancestry. Through Christianity, God's name, we were delivered from oppression. I have been aggressively discouraged from dating outside of my race, more so, than my lighter siblings because they are in fact fairer skinned. I believe this because I find the concept thrust in my face, irrelevantly, in the heat of disagreement. I have also been told that my sisters have the ”good hair”, this has been ongoing. My mother, having grown up in a previous era, has said some very racially heinous things, things that would deny a person the ability to love what should be an accepted aspect of their heritage. I have often told myself that she didn’t/doesn't know any better, that it is simply ignorance, that she heard and lived through much worse. After all, she was fed propaganda that made blackness into ugliness, our heritage was made unacceptable. Our heritage is still mostly denied and racism is now directed inward, against one another and determined by ones degree of blackness or lack thereof. This is not a false reality that I have concocted, but a truth that I have to deal with and witness regularly. Being that I have found myself more fully again, I become enraged by others ignorance to these situations. Here are some of the ignorant things that others have to say…. These are all comments by blacks except for the "Little Rascals", Buckwheat comparison and the one by my former professor, said to one of my peers.
“I’m not trying to be funny, but you got some real nigga hair.”
“You look like Buckwheat with your hair like that.”
“Are you going to get some hoop earrings to go with that hairdo?”
-When in college, with a so called professional instructor, “Come on homie, show us what ya got, my brotha.”
"You look good with natural hair, not everyone looks good with natural hair."
“I started to go natural when I was in the military, I was for a little while, but it is considered to be unkempt.”
"Are you going to loc that shit up, What are you going to do with it?"
“I wanted to grow dread locs but there are a lot of bad things associated with them, I am also trying to get a new job.”
*Why is our natural beauty still condemned? Because It dilutes cultural power.
I moved to the south when I was approximately five years old. I was met with the immediate beauty of fall. In my mind, that of a child, I can distinctly recall the fall foliage. I imagined the bright pinks, greens and reds of trees were all lined up to greet us. Waving like leafed hands in the breeze. It was lovely, especially the vibrant, red dirt that I loved to dig in. The black dirt I had once played in was now red, how curious it seemed. It stained most of my clothes and I was promptly told not to play in it. I also remember the schools that I attended and the children that found me different. I said “hi” instead of “hey”, “pop” instead of “soda”. Now, I imagine I carried myself with the pomp and gait of someone surrounded by security, siblings, spirituality and wonder. I was often accused by my peers, mostly black, of trying to be white. I cannot properly explain how badly this hurt my self esteem. I only ever spoke the way I did because I felt it the best way of expressing myself. I would correct any southerner who called me “Kar-ler”. No, it’s “Kar-la”. This only fueled those who wished to ridicule my personality. I could not understand what this beast was, this so called acting white. This acting?! I wasn’t fucking acting, I was being myself or rather trying to be myself and it was my own people of African descent who wouldn’t let me be comfortable in my own skin, our skin. At some point, in my adolescence, I was testing better than my peers. I was moved into different classes and found myself even more alienated because I was the only one there that looked anything like myself. I was wholly unprepared for a transition like that and that was also damaging to my psyche. For many years I could not figure out where I belonged or where I should want to belong. To this day I do not agree with or admire much about black culture, however, I believe it has been adapted to spite society. It is in fact a societal rebellion. Many of our young men let their pants hang below their waist, they wear fitted caps and oversized jerseys and sport expensive or even more disgusting, fake gold and diamond chains. They even wear gold teeth, for fashions sake. This behavior is all in the name of street credibility or "blackness". On the strangely perverse and ironic, opposite end of the spectrum, we have the behavior of our black women. Many of which wear long acrylic nails and European hair extensions while their own beautiful wooly, curly or kinky hair is in unspeakable condition due to improper haircare. I used to do the same things to get away from my blackness, I cannot claim innocence in trying to hide my heritage. Most black women chemically straighten their hair and many wear weaves. Hair weaving has become a lot more common, therefore, acceptable due to the perpetuation of Beyonces’s and Ashanti’s shaking their asses on television for our men’s enjoyment. This is the image of black women that they are taught to desire, this is the image of feminine blackness that I nolonger aspire to uphold. Because of this, I often find it hard to date inside of my race, it seems I cannot bond with a man of black descent on a spiritual level or a cultural level or any other aspect of myself that should be shared with a potential mate. Moreover, when I feel as though I have met a like minded male, they don't seem very interested in dating inside of their race either. The eurocentric bonds called Christianity are very prevalent in the black community, I cannot stand it because it's white images are subtlety but totally oppressive to our heritage, it is so far removed from what we have been. European idealization seems to have noosed the entire world at it's neck, for many thousands of years, seated in it's balcony as they set the stage and laugh at our tragedies and comedies. Must we forget that we are worshipers of the earth, prayers to the land? I find it important to mention that this is the very same religion that we used against those in society to gain back the rights and powers that were sold and stolen from us. Dr. King was a preacher and a civil rights activist, this is irony, this is why it’s roots run so deeply throughout our African American ancestry. Through Christianity, God's name, we were delivered from oppression. I have been aggressively discouraged from dating outside of my race, more so, than my lighter siblings because they are in fact fairer skinned. I believe this because I find the concept thrust in my face, irrelevantly, in the heat of disagreement. I have also been told that my sisters have the ”good hair”, this has been ongoing. My mother, having grown up in a previous era, has said some very racially heinous things, things that would deny a person the ability to love what should be an accepted aspect of their heritage. I have often told myself that she didn’t/doesn't know any better, that it is simply ignorance, that she heard and lived through much worse. After all, she was fed propaganda that made blackness into ugliness, our heritage was made unacceptable. Our heritage is still mostly denied and racism is now directed inward, against one another and determined by ones degree of blackness or lack thereof. This is not a false reality that I have concocted, but a truth that I have to deal with and witness regularly. Being that I have found myself more fully again, I become enraged by others ignorance to these situations. Here are some of the ignorant things that others have to say…. These are all comments by blacks except for the "Little Rascals", Buckwheat comparison and the one by my former professor, said to one of my peers.
“I’m not trying to be funny, but you got some real nigga hair.”
“You look like Buckwheat with your hair like that.”
“Are you going to get some hoop earrings to go with that hairdo?”
-When in college, with a so called professional instructor, “Come on homie, show us what ya got, my brotha.”
"You look good with natural hair, not everyone looks good with natural hair."
“I started to go natural when I was in the military, I was for a little while, but it is considered to be unkempt.”
"Are you going to loc that shit up, What are you going to do with it?"
“I wanted to grow dread locs but there are a lot of bad things associated with them, I am also trying to get a new job.”
*Why is our natural beauty still condemned? Because It dilutes cultural power.