(no subject)
Have you ever sat back and analyzed your feelings towards a specific person? Being the shallow person I am, I think about things like that. By liking this person, what will people think? Not even that. By liking a person so not in my usual preference, what will happen? Liking someone younger, and far too good for me, what does that mean? I know its a silly crush, and ive revisited it a million times. Every time I talk to this person, I can feel the attraction. But I know it will go nowhere. Its kind of like that stupid school girl crush that you never really get over. I usually go for assholes who are older than me, but this person is so different. I fall in and out of contact with him over and over again. We have spurts of friendship, and with that comes my attraction. Nothing to even persue, kind of like someone else hmm. When I think of these things, I feel weird. When i think of him, or him even, I feel weird. Like its not allowed. Certain people I know I will never be able to have. Both prime examples of such. Either tried and failed, or rejected on my part. A miserable feeling really. But im not upset. It gives me some satisfaction that my feelings are begining to make sense to me again. Honestly? My fling with Devin was a much needed reminder that I am able to feel again. I want a relationship, one that lasts this time. Im so tired of messing around, hooking up...Im 16, but im over it. I know that I still will, because lasting relationships seem to avoid me, but still. Two people, equally unattainable on opposite sides of the spectrum, are here to offer solstice. One is the object of many of my dreams and nightmares, the other a simple whim. Neither will prove to be fruitful, I know that, but I feel that these feelings are here to make me realize something. Im not sure what yet, but I know it means something.
I think im slowly moving past that pathetic stage in which I wallow.
I was thinking today about hanging out with Ruben and Jerm and Stephanie. For once, it makes me happy. I thought of all the smiles I had. How much that time period made me grow up.
I talked to Jerm today, and it doesnt make me upset, or unhappy. Hearing about him with other people makes me happy. I know ive said this million times before, but I dont think i meant it till now. I realized how stupid the whole thing was.
In a lot of ways I did regret everything that happened, but I came to understand that there was absolutly no reason for it. You cannot change the past, only learn from it. I think I used it as an excuse to be unhappy. But I dont want to do that anymore. Why was I blaming him for my bullshit? A lot of repressed feelings I guess. Everyone knows all that damn shit, but now...when I look back and think of everything that reminds me of him and Ruben and Steph, I smile.
I wouldnt change any of it for the world.
If anything, im happier now. In the past 5 hours, ive thought about a lot of stuff.
How much I miss the past, but how I cant sit here and miss it. Becuase thats not going to bring it back. I need to change the NOW so that im happy again.
If anyone has hung out with me, then yuo know that ive changed. Im more like how I used to be before I was hurt. And I think its getting better. I dont feel so damn sad, or whatever.
I realized that I depended on guys to make me happy. Even till Devin. I needed him to be happy. As I sit here, I realize thats so stupid. Im not saying that guys dont make me incredibly happy, but they cannot be my sole source of happiness. Because they arent always going to be there. Neither are friends.
I need this school change a lot. I need to get out of this damn crowd. We all date eachother, then there is so much drama. So much of the past just lingering around. Grudges, stereotypes, just bullshit.
There are only a few people I truly wish I hadnt lost contact with (over the years or just the past few weeks), and some might agree or disagree. A few im becomming friends with again, others are lost causes. For the most part, I could say I miss: Janet, Kerry, Jeremy, Ruben, Steph, Joey, Rocky, Jessica, Andrew Jaffee, and Domenic. Ive made some new friends, which I appreciate more than anything. Stef borges is anything but what I hated her for, and Lauren Marino is just amazing. As is Brit, Andy, Jesse, Devin, and the rest. Im greatful for the people that still put up with me after all this shit ive done, said, etc.
I know im far from perfect, and ive hurt a lot of people. I know ive also said a lot of shit I didnt mean, and done some stuff imnot proud of. I admire anyone whos still with me, and I dont blame everyone else. But I can say that right now, im sorry.
Im sorry for the bullshit. Im sorry for the fucking depression. Im sorry for not being there for you. Im sorry for being a shitty friend.
But now, im ready. Im ready to be that friend that I needed everyone else to be. Because first, I have to prove to everyone that im back. The real me. Who you first got to know and liked.
No more regret, its pointless.
No more complaining that life sucks, because we all deal with the same shit with different faces. Im just sorry it took me till I was 16 to realize all this.
Im writing this with a few people in mind. Whether or not those people will read this, doubtful. But I just feel it needed to be said.
Im sorry to everyone ive hurt, or pushed away.
I miss you.
I think im slowly moving past that pathetic stage in which I wallow.
I was thinking today about hanging out with Ruben and Jerm and Stephanie. For once, it makes me happy. I thought of all the smiles I had. How much that time period made me grow up.
I talked to Jerm today, and it doesnt make me upset, or unhappy. Hearing about him with other people makes me happy. I know ive said this million times before, but I dont think i meant it till now. I realized how stupid the whole thing was.
In a lot of ways I did regret everything that happened, but I came to understand that there was absolutly no reason for it. You cannot change the past, only learn from it. I think I used it as an excuse to be unhappy. But I dont want to do that anymore. Why was I blaming him for my bullshit? A lot of repressed feelings I guess. Everyone knows all that damn shit, but now...when I look back and think of everything that reminds me of him and Ruben and Steph, I smile.
I wouldnt change any of it for the world.
If anything, im happier now. In the past 5 hours, ive thought about a lot of stuff.
How much I miss the past, but how I cant sit here and miss it. Becuase thats not going to bring it back. I need to change the NOW so that im happy again.
If anyone has hung out with me, then yuo know that ive changed. Im more like how I used to be before I was hurt. And I think its getting better. I dont feel so damn sad, or whatever.
I realized that I depended on guys to make me happy. Even till Devin. I needed him to be happy. As I sit here, I realize thats so stupid. Im not saying that guys dont make me incredibly happy, but they cannot be my sole source of happiness. Because they arent always going to be there. Neither are friends.
I need this school change a lot. I need to get out of this damn crowd. We all date eachother, then there is so much drama. So much of the past just lingering around. Grudges, stereotypes, just bullshit.
There are only a few people I truly wish I hadnt lost contact with (over the years or just the past few weeks), and some might agree or disagree. A few im becomming friends with again, others are lost causes. For the most part, I could say I miss: Janet, Kerry, Jeremy, Ruben, Steph, Joey, Rocky, Jessica, Andrew Jaffee, and Domenic. Ive made some new friends, which I appreciate more than anything. Stef borges is anything but what I hated her for, and Lauren Marino is just amazing. As is Brit, Andy, Jesse, Devin, and the rest. Im greatful for the people that still put up with me after all this shit ive done, said, etc.
I know im far from perfect, and ive hurt a lot of people. I know ive also said a lot of shit I didnt mean, and done some stuff imnot proud of. I admire anyone whos still with me, and I dont blame everyone else. But I can say that right now, im sorry.
Im sorry for the bullshit. Im sorry for the fucking depression. Im sorry for not being there for you. Im sorry for being a shitty friend.
But now, im ready. Im ready to be that friend that I needed everyone else to be. Because first, I have to prove to everyone that im back. The real me. Who you first got to know and liked.
No more regret, its pointless.
No more complaining that life sucks, because we all deal with the same shit with different faces. Im just sorry it took me till I was 16 to realize all this.
Im writing this with a few people in mind. Whether or not those people will read this, doubtful. But I just feel it needed to be said.
Im sorry to everyone ive hurt, or pushed away.
I miss you.