Adventures In Spam Episode 7
Tomorrow is my birthday and this means I am going to post something easy to write and enjoyable to all. Also, Cracked.com recently ran an article too similar to something I was working on for this post for me to avoid accusations of plagiarism, so I bring you my most popular filler piece. For anyone just tuning in, this is the part where I willfully misinterpret the meaning of spam subject lines despite the hard work the spammers put into writing them.
1. Invest in a walk-in tub
I am pretty sure that a walk-in tub is a shower. Additionally, how is this an investment? Are walk-in tubs actually expected to appreciate in value? Is mildew valuable? Perhaps we are moving to the mold standard.
2. View Photos of Millionaires Near You
I can get behind this one. If there is one thing the 99% needs, it is photos of successful job creators to inspire them. Besides, if they spend all their time looking at pictures of rich people, they will know who to throw tomatoes at while they are occupying things.
Alternate response: Mitt, the caucuses are over here. You can stop campaigning.
Mitt Romney, formerly known as D.J. R. Money, posing with the likeness of his favorite robot clone.
3. INSTRUCTIONS TO CREDIT YOUR ACCOUNT WITH THE SUM OF (US$22Million)
I took an accounting class in law school and even worked in a financial office for a couple of years, so I know that when you put a number in parentheses that makes it a negative number. So yes, Department of Education, I get it. I owe you a ton of money, but do you really need to try to take it from me by tricking me? I mean, you should know that I went to college for seven years and would not be so easily fooled because you paid for it!
4. Get a grip on your arthritis
But not too tight, or if the weather is cold. And it probably helps if you take a Tylenol before you try.
5. Max-Gentleman Enlargement*Pills
As what one might describe as a Max-Gentleman, I can assure you I do not need to be enlarged. Much like my hero, William Howard Taft, I am already quite large and feel that any further enhancements to my largeness would be in poor taste when there are so many in the world who have yet to achieve this level of largeness, and others still who are mired in smallness.
So, on behalf of Max-Gentlemen everywhere, I appreciate the offer, but really, I will practice some humility and leave some largeness for others.
The one true real Max-Gentleman
6. Improve your skills with a Degree in Criminal Justice
This ad sounds like it is targeted to someone who is already doing work in criminal justice, has some skills, but has no formal training in the field. Perhaps a vigilante, who hunts down evildoers by the cover of darkness. In fact, this message seems to be accusing me of being Batman. Well, I am here to set the record straight. I am not Batman. Batman is a dangerous vigilante. I am just a blogger. But I must run now because I am the blogger the internet deserves, but not the one it needs right now.
I'll just let Robin deal with the comments about how this blog is getting repetitive and all the Russian phishers.
1. Invest in a walk-in tub
I am pretty sure that a walk-in tub is a shower. Additionally, how is this an investment? Are walk-in tubs actually expected to appreciate in value? Is mildew valuable? Perhaps we are moving to the mold standard.
2. View Photos of Millionaires Near You
I can get behind this one. If there is one thing the 99% needs, it is photos of successful job creators to inspire them. Besides, if they spend all their time looking at pictures of rich people, they will know who to throw tomatoes at while they are occupying things.
Alternate response: Mitt, the caucuses are over here. You can stop campaigning.
Mitt Romney, formerly known as D.J. R. Money, posing with the likeness of his favorite robot clone.
3. INSTRUCTIONS TO CREDIT YOUR ACCOUNT WITH THE SUM OF (US$22Million)
I took an accounting class in law school and even worked in a financial office for a couple of years, so I know that when you put a number in parentheses that makes it a negative number. So yes, Department of Education, I get it. I owe you a ton of money, but do you really need to try to take it from me by tricking me? I mean, you should know that I went to college for seven years and would not be so easily fooled because you paid for it!
4. Get a grip on your arthritis
But not too tight, or if the weather is cold. And it probably helps if you take a Tylenol before you try.
5. Max-Gentleman Enlargement*Pills
As what one might describe as a Max-Gentleman, I can assure you I do not need to be enlarged. Much like my hero, William Howard Taft, I am already quite large and feel that any further enhancements to my largeness would be in poor taste when there are so many in the world who have yet to achieve this level of largeness, and others still who are mired in smallness.
So, on behalf of Max-Gentlemen everywhere, I appreciate the offer, but really, I will practice some humility and leave some largeness for others.
The one true real Max-Gentleman
6. Improve your skills with a Degree in Criminal Justice
This ad sounds like it is targeted to someone who is already doing work in criminal justice, has some skills, but has no formal training in the field. Perhaps a vigilante, who hunts down evildoers by the cover of darkness. In fact, this message seems to be accusing me of being Batman. Well, I am here to set the record straight. I am not Batman. Batman is a dangerous vigilante. I am just a blogger. But I must run now because I am the blogger the internet deserves, but not the one it needs right now.
I'll just let Robin deal with the comments about how this blog is getting repetitive and all the Russian phishers.