I Gave a Letter to the Postman
I realize that I have not posted anything here in well over a month. I have been very busy writing things both for school and the Georgetown Law Weekly, our on-campus newspaper, of which I have recently ended my term as editor of the opinions section. All told, I wrote 17,500 words for the paper in the past year, with one third of that having produced in the past month.
I now return to blogging with a return to a classic theme. I present Adventures in Spamland II: The Phishers Strike Back.
1. Use Mind to Improve Your Fang
Assuming for a moment that this has nothing to do with Twilight, which is a big assumption, I have some serious questions. Why do you assume I have only one fang? Don't most people who have any fangs have two? Or perhaps one of my fangs is okay and only the other, lesser fang needs improving. Secondly, why use my mind? Is the spammer Obi Wan or something? I have a dentist and an orthodontist. I am pretty sure they can take care of it.
2. Bump Her All The Time!
I question why I should want to bump someone all the time. It is probably annoying enough that I bump people as often as I do, but at least now I am just doing it out of clumsiness and not an active desire to knock into them. What if she is serving drinks? Is that really a good time to bump her? I think not.
3. Send Your Kids A Personalized Santa Letter
I assume that this company is advertising a service wherein they send my hypothetical kids a letter from Santa with their names on it. However, I wonder how having them do this is somehow more personalized than me doing this myself. Presumably I would know these kids well enough to write their names on it and maybe even work in some inside knowledge of things they had done to prove that Santa is really watching. I rather hope that this company does not have that same depth of information about my children.
Secondly, I have to question the ability to personalize of a company that sends me spam messages advertising services targeted to children that I don't have.
4. Your Cat Safely Files Its Own Claws
Thanks for the warning buddy! If my cat file its own claws, it can hold a file. If it can do that, it can hold a knife. I don't trust a cat that can hold a knife. I will have to have my cat de-clawed and de-thumbed next time I take it to the vet.
5. It's Never Too Early To Take A Look At Retirement Communities
I beg to differ on this point. As I have yet to leave school, let alone retire, I think it is probably a bit premature to start deciding what corner of Boca Raton in which I want to spend my golden years.
6. Time To Stop Those Harassing Calls
Okay, you caught me. I have been making the harassing calls and they will stop. For now...
7. Your Recourse To Meeting Christian Singles
This is exactly what I need. Every day, just walking down the road, I meet at least one unattached person who also happens to have a belief in the divinity of Jesus Christ. I never know what I can do when this happens. Do I call the police? Do I take the situation into my own hands? Is it a civil matter? Now I know that there is a recourse of which I can avail myself when forced to meet Christian singles. I can now rest soundly at night.
8. Discover The Reliable Source Of Cheap And Quality Drugs
The source of cheap and, depending on your definition, quality drugs is the alley next to my house. Seriously. If you want it, you can get it there. And these aren't just the "FDA approved" drugs that the man wants you to have. You can fill a prescription for pretty much anything in that alley. Need "enhanced" Tylenol? They've got it. Need ground up hemlock to dispatch philosophers who have corrupted the youth? They are happy to oblige. I did not know that had started a direct marketing campaign, but given the amount of business they get it was only a matter of time before they opened an online store.
9. Your Favorite Love-doping
Love-doping sounds like something that they warn people about in freshman orientations in college. I wonder if there are really people who have tested so many systems of "love-doping" that they have a favorite. And if there are, why have they not been arrested yet?
10. Erase The Memories of Your Bedtime Failures
This is a perplexing concept. I can imagine a meaning of the phrase "bedroom failures" but not bedtime failures. Are these the times when I was a small child that I failed to be in bed at the time my parents stated? Or when I broke curfew as a teenager? If so, I don't think I want to erase those memories.
Or does this refer to other possible bedtime failures? Perhaps I sucked at reading a bedtime story to a child, or maybe accidentally gave someone cold milk instead of warm milk. Or maybe it was just a time that I never managed to fall asleep. Nonetheless, I cannot imagine that any of these situations would warrant erasing my memories by some sort of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind method.
So there you have it, ten new ridiculous spam messages and my return to blogging. Please keep an eye out for my next installment in which I discuss which cases should never be heard by the Supreme Court.
I now return to blogging with a return to a classic theme. I present Adventures in Spamland II: The Phishers Strike Back.
1. Use Mind to Improve Your Fang
Assuming for a moment that this has nothing to do with Twilight, which is a big assumption, I have some serious questions. Why do you assume I have only one fang? Don't most people who have any fangs have two? Or perhaps one of my fangs is okay and only the other, lesser fang needs improving. Secondly, why use my mind? Is the spammer Obi Wan or something? I have a dentist and an orthodontist. I am pretty sure they can take care of it.
2. Bump Her All The Time!
I question why I should want to bump someone all the time. It is probably annoying enough that I bump people as often as I do, but at least now I am just doing it out of clumsiness and not an active desire to knock into them. What if she is serving drinks? Is that really a good time to bump her? I think not.
3. Send Your Kids A Personalized Santa Letter
I assume that this company is advertising a service wherein they send my hypothetical kids a letter from Santa with their names on it. However, I wonder how having them do this is somehow more personalized than me doing this myself. Presumably I would know these kids well enough to write their names on it and maybe even work in some inside knowledge of things they had done to prove that Santa is really watching. I rather hope that this company does not have that same depth of information about my children.
Secondly, I have to question the ability to personalize of a company that sends me spam messages advertising services targeted to children that I don't have.
4. Your Cat Safely Files Its Own Claws
Thanks for the warning buddy! If my cat file its own claws, it can hold a file. If it can do that, it can hold a knife. I don't trust a cat that can hold a knife. I will have to have my cat de-clawed and de-thumbed next time I take it to the vet.
5. It's Never Too Early To Take A Look At Retirement Communities
I beg to differ on this point. As I have yet to leave school, let alone retire, I think it is probably a bit premature to start deciding what corner of Boca Raton in which I want to spend my golden years.
6. Time To Stop Those Harassing Calls
Okay, you caught me. I have been making the harassing calls and they will stop. For now...
7. Your Recourse To Meeting Christian Singles
This is exactly what I need. Every day, just walking down the road, I meet at least one unattached person who also happens to have a belief in the divinity of Jesus Christ. I never know what I can do when this happens. Do I call the police? Do I take the situation into my own hands? Is it a civil matter? Now I know that there is a recourse of which I can avail myself when forced to meet Christian singles. I can now rest soundly at night.
8. Discover The Reliable Source Of Cheap And Quality Drugs
The source of cheap and, depending on your definition, quality drugs is the alley next to my house. Seriously. If you want it, you can get it there. And these aren't just the "FDA approved" drugs that the man wants you to have. You can fill a prescription for pretty much anything in that alley. Need "enhanced" Tylenol? They've got it. Need ground up hemlock to dispatch philosophers who have corrupted the youth? They are happy to oblige. I did not know that had started a direct marketing campaign, but given the amount of business they get it was only a matter of time before they opened an online store.
9. Your Favorite Love-doping
Love-doping sounds like something that they warn people about in freshman orientations in college. I wonder if there are really people who have tested so many systems of "love-doping" that they have a favorite. And if there are, why have they not been arrested yet?
10. Erase The Memories of Your Bedtime Failures
This is a perplexing concept. I can imagine a meaning of the phrase "bedroom failures" but not bedtime failures. Are these the times when I was a small child that I failed to be in bed at the time my parents stated? Or when I broke curfew as a teenager? If so, I don't think I want to erase those memories.
Or does this refer to other possible bedtime failures? Perhaps I sucked at reading a bedtime story to a child, or maybe accidentally gave someone cold milk instead of warm milk. Or maybe it was just a time that I never managed to fall asleep. Nonetheless, I cannot imagine that any of these situations would warrant erasing my memories by some sort of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind method.
So there you have it, ten new ridiculous spam messages and my return to blogging. Please keep an eye out for my next installment in which I discuss which cases should never be heard by the Supreme Court.