A Lesson on Loons
So today I learned that my home state of Maine will spend this weekend conducting the annual loon count. Yes, over one thousand of my fellow citizens are going to take to the state's lake and ponds and count all of the loons. For those of you unfamiliar with what exactly a loon is, here is a picture:
Fig. 1(a): Gavia immer, the common loon
Why are we doing a loon census? I imagined it has something to do with loons being a protected species. And deservedly so, because really, loons are the dorkiest animal in any given lake and if we don't protect them they will be beaten up by cool, athletic, animals like otters, ospreys, raccoons, beavers, or even the occasional turtle that thinks it's cool because an otter is using the turtle to do his math homework. Loons are bad at most sports, like walking on land without falling over, due to having legs set too far back from their center of gravity, and even in the flying department they need about as much runway as a B-52 just to get up to speed.
Seriously, when the lake animals go to lunch, the loon is sitting at a table with a duck with an annoying voice, an ungainly heron, and a smelly muskrat. Every year loons throw parties at their lake and the only ones who show up are other loons. In fact, it appears that the loon is such a social outcast that anyone who has ever been within 50 miles of a lake in Maine knows that the loon spends the entire night lamenting loudly.
Clearly this is bad for the loon's psychology. As seen above, the loon dresses in all black and white, like those depressing goth/emo kids.
And when they have finally had enough, it appears that many loons will serenely drift head first into boat propellers and die, which seems like an odd thing to happen by accident for an animal that, for all of its other shortcomings, is known to be remarkably good at swimming with purpose. So we all say "poor loons" and take pity on them.
But wait a minute! It turns out that there is an even better reason to count the loons. Why, you ask?
Because if you get too close, loons will f*&%ing stab you! You know that I do not like to use profanity in this blog, but I think this fact is shocking enough to warrant an ampersand or two. Yes, this is correct, the common loon, the weird bullied kid of the lake ecosystem, will stab you if you push it too far. Moreover, according to Cornell University's ornithology lab, it will stab you in the neck with its beak. For those who are really unclear how a bird works, that would be like you driving your nose into someone's jugular vein. So maybe the loon is not so harmless. Maybe the other animals shun it because they are terrified of it. And did anyone else notice that this beast has red eyes sufficient to make the demon kid from the Omen movies wet himself?
Fig. 1(b): Encyclopedia Britannica states that the Ojibwa tribe considered the loon to be an omen of death. The Ojibwa were smart people.
Fig 1(c): An idiot's rendering of a loon attack courtesy of flickr.com
When you think about it, there were signs that something like this would happen. There was the killing of the fish and other small animals, the increasing sense of territoriality and withdrawing from society, and the fascination with dark colors and mournful wailing. We really should have seen it coming. But now it is too late and we have lakes full of birds just waiting to go Joe Pesci (see Casino) on whoever dares tread too close.
Ultimately, I think this justifies the loon census. We need to know how many of these neck stabbing psycho birds there are in the state. It is not a matter of conservation, it is a matter of public safety.
Fig. 1(a): Gavia immer, the common loon
Why are we doing a loon census? I imagined it has something to do with loons being a protected species. And deservedly so, because really, loons are the dorkiest animal in any given lake and if we don't protect them they will be beaten up by cool, athletic, animals like otters, ospreys, raccoons, beavers, or even the occasional turtle that thinks it's cool because an otter is using the turtle to do his math homework. Loons are bad at most sports, like walking on land without falling over, due to having legs set too far back from their center of gravity, and even in the flying department they need about as much runway as a B-52 just to get up to speed.
Seriously, when the lake animals go to lunch, the loon is sitting at a table with a duck with an annoying voice, an ungainly heron, and a smelly muskrat. Every year loons throw parties at their lake and the only ones who show up are other loons. In fact, it appears that the loon is such a social outcast that anyone who has ever been within 50 miles of a lake in Maine knows that the loon spends the entire night lamenting loudly.
Clearly this is bad for the loon's psychology. As seen above, the loon dresses in all black and white, like those depressing goth/emo kids.
And when they have finally had enough, it appears that many loons will serenely drift head first into boat propellers and die, which seems like an odd thing to happen by accident for an animal that, for all of its other shortcomings, is known to be remarkably good at swimming with purpose. So we all say "poor loons" and take pity on them.
But wait a minute! It turns out that there is an even better reason to count the loons. Why, you ask?
Because if you get too close, loons will f*&%ing stab you! You know that I do not like to use profanity in this blog, but I think this fact is shocking enough to warrant an ampersand or two. Yes, this is correct, the common loon, the weird bullied kid of the lake ecosystem, will stab you if you push it too far. Moreover, according to Cornell University's ornithology lab, it will stab you in the neck with its beak. For those who are really unclear how a bird works, that would be like you driving your nose into someone's jugular vein. So maybe the loon is not so harmless. Maybe the other animals shun it because they are terrified of it. And did anyone else notice that this beast has red eyes sufficient to make the demon kid from the Omen movies wet himself?
Fig. 1(b): Encyclopedia Britannica states that the Ojibwa tribe considered the loon to be an omen of death. The Ojibwa were smart people.
Fig 1(c): An idiot's rendering of a loon attack courtesy of flickr.com
When you think about it, there were signs that something like this would happen. There was the killing of the fish and other small animals, the increasing sense of territoriality and withdrawing from society, and the fascination with dark colors and mournful wailing. We really should have seen it coming. But now it is too late and we have lakes full of birds just waiting to go Joe Pesci (see Casino) on whoever dares tread too close.
Ultimately, I think this justifies the loon census. We need to know how many of these neck stabbing psycho birds there are in the state. It is not a matter of conservation, it is a matter of public safety.