[[getsu]]
[ a mixed bag ]
i don't even know how to start this post.. originally i just wanted to say that i was feeling good about finishing my section of the bar exam indexes on time (when i thought i would be a day late). then i recalled my strange feelings about friends and people in general... then when i opened this post i thought of the fact that i had finished school, maybe for good.
it's really a mixed bag of feelings, though again and as always, i'm mostly blank.
i'm a little hesitant to broach that second topic... i think maybe i have some sort of psychological disorder that doesn't allow me to make lasting friendships as a defence mechanism against potential heartache.
superficial, mundane result: i don't trust people, though i "believe" in the essential goodness that shows up sometimes, and i treat everyone with that same goodness (or, i try to.. sometimes it's really hard).
deeper, troubling result: ...i don't believe in friendship????
before my one reader starts panicking: i only "don't believe in friendship" as it comes in my direction... i am intensely loyal as a person and will never abandon you (/"our friendship") unless i have been forced to do so, by the friend in question (or morbidly: one of us dies).
however, i do not hold the same expectations for how people will treat me: i somewhat believe(?) that anyone can and will drop me for whatever/no reason, and i have always been "accepting" of that, since.. well, what can you do if someone decides that they want to stop being your friend, right?
i've alluded to this before in a previous post, but this concern (or lack thereof) about friendship is probably a result of my (relatively isolated) childhood. other than my Old Friend, lasting friends from elementary school were few - only my best(?) friend and another good friend remain, though i've become slightly distant from the latter.
and to be sure, i feel terrible about the "(?)" after best, since.. well, she's getting married in september and i'm going to be a bridesmaid. you're probably not a stranger if you're asked to be a bridesmaid. i always called and call her my best friend, but sometimes (half? the time) i'm not sure if the feelings are reciprocated. ever since our geographic separation became greater and greater, we'd been progressively losing touch.. we hardly rely on each other for anything... does she think she can't trust me? as for me... it's not that i don't trust her, it's just that i don't rely on anyone unless i have to (bar exam indexing.. ugh).
my not relying on people stems from a degree of lack of trust and a large helping of self-effacement - i don't think i'm important enough for anyone to waste their time helping. which is also a part of the recurring theme of "why would anyone want to be my friend" - this thought process makes it understandable and acceptable to me if people just stop being my friend.
i guess i should caveat my earlier statement: i am intensely loyal and i will never stop being your friend, but i may push you away when i think we all need to be spared the hassle. the feeling that spawned this post in particular was .. an internal (i.e. mental) falling out i had with the guys (spurred by a phone conversation with them yesterday). i suddenly feel very ambivalent towards them, as if i don't really need to see them after all. i guess i'm losing patience with them... maybe that's a good thing? our friendship can't possibly last, right? i'm never here.. i don't even want to be here.. i definitely feel/worry that i care way more about them than they do about me.
and the problem is partly when they are all together, they are hella annoying. i don't particularly have a problem with them individually, and i can think of the ones i will miss - and painfully so - if we abruptly stopped being friends because of a real falling out. perhaps more so now than eight years ago.. if i lose one i have to lose all of them.
well.. i guess our communication is few and far between anyway... it wouldn't be too different if we weren't friends anymore.
i wondered why i felt this way, and realised that perhaps it's because my life is really uncertain and unsettled. who knows where i'll be living and what i'll be doing even three months from now? it may be the beginning of an extended absence from here... which means i better push everyone away so that i don't miss anyone and no one misses me.
some of my friends are "pressuring" me to find someone (i.e. to get married), but i really am not interested. i am much more suited to the solitary wanderer lifestyle than perhaps anyone i've ever met, and have no fear of death or dying, particularly dying alone. my only worry is that the ones i've left behind will be sad... so let's solve this problem by making sure i won't have anyone to leave behind. not in a mean way, just... gradually losing touch and not doing anything to keep it up.
i'm sort of concerned that these thoughts will slip out in one of the many verbal altercations with the guys, and then... that will be that. adios, amigos.
but maybe it will be for the best. they will be free of me, and i will be ... free to be.
reason, season, lifetime
i don't even know how to start this post.. originally i just wanted to say that i was feeling good about finishing my section of the bar exam indexes on time (when i thought i would be a day late). then i recalled my strange feelings about friends and people in general... then when i opened this post i thought of the fact that i had finished school, maybe for good.
it's really a mixed bag of feelings, though again and as always, i'm mostly blank.
i'm a little hesitant to broach that second topic... i think maybe i have some sort of psychological disorder that doesn't allow me to make lasting friendships as a defence mechanism against potential heartache.
superficial, mundane result: i don't trust people, though i "believe" in the essential goodness that shows up sometimes, and i treat everyone with that same goodness (or, i try to.. sometimes it's really hard).
deeper, troubling result: ...i don't believe in friendship????
before my one reader starts panicking: i only "don't believe in friendship" as it comes in my direction... i am intensely loyal as a person and will never abandon you (/"our friendship") unless i have been forced to do so, by the friend in question (or morbidly: one of us dies).
however, i do not hold the same expectations for how people will treat me: i somewhat believe(?) that anyone can and will drop me for whatever/no reason, and i have always been "accepting" of that, since.. well, what can you do if someone decides that they want to stop being your friend, right?
i've alluded to this before in a previous post, but this concern (or lack thereof) about friendship is probably a result of my (relatively isolated) childhood. other than my Old Friend, lasting friends from elementary school were few - only my best(?) friend and another good friend remain, though i've become slightly distant from the latter.
and to be sure, i feel terrible about the "(?)" after best, since.. well, she's getting married in september and i'm going to be a bridesmaid. you're probably not a stranger if you're asked to be a bridesmaid. i always called and call her my best friend, but sometimes (half? the time) i'm not sure if the feelings are reciprocated. ever since our geographic separation became greater and greater, we'd been progressively losing touch.. we hardly rely on each other for anything... does she think she can't trust me? as for me... it's not that i don't trust her, it's just that i don't rely on anyone unless i have to (bar exam indexing.. ugh).
my not relying on people stems from a degree of lack of trust and a large helping of self-effacement - i don't think i'm important enough for anyone to waste their time helping. which is also a part of the recurring theme of "why would anyone want to be my friend" - this thought process makes it understandable and acceptable to me if people just stop being my friend.
i guess i should caveat my earlier statement: i am intensely loyal and i will never stop being your friend, but i may push you away when i think we all need to be spared the hassle. the feeling that spawned this post in particular was .. an internal (i.e. mental) falling out i had with the guys (spurred by a phone conversation with them yesterday). i suddenly feel very ambivalent towards them, as if i don't really need to see them after all. i guess i'm losing patience with them... maybe that's a good thing? our friendship can't possibly last, right? i'm never here.. i don't even want to be here.. i definitely feel/worry that i care way more about them than they do about me.
and the problem is partly when they are all together, they are hella annoying. i don't particularly have a problem with them individually, and i can think of the ones i will miss - and painfully so - if we abruptly stopped being friends because of a real falling out. perhaps more so now than eight years ago.. if i lose one i have to lose all of them.
well.. i guess our communication is few and far between anyway... it wouldn't be too different if we weren't friends anymore.
i wondered why i felt this way, and realised that perhaps it's because my life is really uncertain and unsettled. who knows where i'll be living and what i'll be doing even three months from now? it may be the beginning of an extended absence from here... which means i better push everyone away so that i don't miss anyone and no one misses me.
some of my friends are "pressuring" me to find someone (i.e. to get married), but i really am not interested. i am much more suited to the solitary wanderer lifestyle than perhaps anyone i've ever met, and have no fear of death or dying, particularly dying alone. my only worry is that the ones i've left behind will be sad... so let's solve this problem by making sure i won't have anyone to leave behind. not in a mean way, just... gradually losing touch and not doing anything to keep it up.
i'm sort of concerned that these thoughts will slip out in one of the many verbal altercations with the guys, and then... that will be that. adios, amigos.
but maybe it will be for the best. they will be free of me, and i will be ... free to be.
reason, season, lifetime