I don't want to crash and burn
HOLY MOLEY the past week has been one hell of a freak show! I actually sat there, halfway through Maths P1, asking myself why I was so stupid, had I totally wasted Mum’s money on tuition fees, damn this headache is bad, oh no what if tomorrow’s Lit turns out as bad? And meanwhile Bernard was behind asking for paper (“A lot. Just give me a lot.”) and muttering, “Oh my f******* God!” which almost made me laugh. So Maths was a train wreck twice over. I never had such bad time management for Lit before and was left with half an hour for the third essay, both times. And instead of writing ‘Lit P3’, my mind was so muddled that I wrote ‘Lit H3’ instead haha.
I’ve not taken so much Panadol in a single week before. And it’s so horrible, I sit there studying, stressing over notes and stressing over whether all the stressing will cause a breakout. And I get all these butt aches from all the sitting. I suspect that today’s terrible cramps were due to the fact that I’ve not been exercising. Treadmill, I will utilise you every day I can once the Chemistry paper is over! Oh yeah and after Chemistry P2 I was still feeling so-so until the guys talked about the last essay question and Wayne said, “It’s benzene right?” and I’m like, “WHAT BENZENE??”
It doesn’t help that the afternoons are so lovely and that’s there’s this gorgeous glow even at 7pm. I just want to sit by the window and stare into the distance. Then at night the moon is so round and brilliant magnesium-white. Sigh. But most of all, I feel like I thwart myself. I guess that’s the worst (but most responsible) thing to realise: that there’s no one else to blame and your future lies entirely in your hands. By all means possible, I certainly won’t allow a repeat of this nightmare.
P.S. On a happier note, I’m decidedly done with my H3 Lit essay! I’m not gonna mess with it anymore. When you actually dream about going to school to look for Mr. Harris but can’t find him anywhere, you know this H3 thing is starting to become madness.