Coming Out Day 2022 (archived from Facebook)
It's been a tradition of mine to write something every year on Coming Out Day that bares a core part of my identity, and this year is no exception. This post is particularly huge and scary for me to make.
I'm an agnostic atheist.
Some of you are reading this and thinking "What's the big deal?" or "Wait, that was a secret?" My target audience right now is those of you to whom this IS news, IS a big deal, or DOES change how you feel about me.
I'd like to start by apologizing to those who feel blindsided by this information. Many of you are friends and family that I have gone to church with or kept in my prayers throughout the years. Many of you are people who I met through church or campus ministry, so I understand if you feel lost or confused right now. I like to tell myself that while I've certainly lied by omission, I've never lied when directly asked what I do or don't believe. I'm not certain whether that's true, but in any case, I have misled you and misrepresented myself for many years. It was never my intention to do this to people I care about; nevertheless, it is what happened.
Now I'd like to go back to where it all began: when I was a 6-year-old girl who found herself reading about Pascal's Wager. If you don't know what that is, it's essentially a mathematical proof that you should believe in God, or at least try your best to believe in God, because of the potential infinite reward. Being an analytical-minded person, I thought, "Okay, this makes sense. I'll go along with all this church stuff, and hopefully that will satisfy God, if he exists." I had already doubted God's existence as far back as I can remember, but it seemed like a fun game of make-believe, so I was happy to go along with it. Where I went wrong was assuming that everyone else was doing the same thing.
For many years, I treated religious activities as role-playing games. In my mind, we were all agreeing to suspend our disbelief, share the same fantasy world, and reap the personal and social rewards that came from that practice. I already knew how to play make-believe, but this was exciting because so many other people were playing with me.
It wasn't until I was around the (ridiculous, in my opinion) age of 20 that I started to suspect other people actually believed this stuff. By that time, I felt I was in too deep to admit that I'd had such a monumental misunderstanding. Plus, if I voiced those thoughts, it could shatter the illusion that other people had created for themselves. And I wasn't about to be responsible for holding anyone back from heaven. Even now, I have similar fears, as if reading this post might cause someone to "stray."
I kept going to church for a couple more years, because "all are welcome," and I wasn't hurting anyone. But I reached a natural exit point upon graduating from college, and I never attempted to join a religious community after that.
The truth is, I just don't feel like there's a sentient creator out there. It seems far more likely to me that everything arose randomly and naturally, not as some part of God's plan. I think people invented the concept of a god because it helped them to make sense of the world. I am completely open to the possibility that a god exists. I just don't have the faith required to accept that reality without proof. Thus, "agnostic atheist."
I don't mind at all if YOU feel that there is a creator, or that everything is part of God's plan. I am okay with any personal beliefs you might have, unless they cause harm to other people. In fact, I invite everyone regardless of what you do or don't believe, to think critically about the way your beliefs impact the people around you, and consider what it takes to do right by your fellow humans.
Finally, I would like to clarify one thing: If I've ever told you that I was praying for you or your loved one, I meant it. I may not believe that there's a god, but I'll still pray to your god if that's important to you. I'll meditate on your situation, and I'll visualize the desired outcome. I think this practice connects us more strongly to each other and creates a sense of equanimity and internal peace, regardless of whether there's a god listening. And if you have ever felt or feel compelled to pray for me, it means a lot to me that you'd do such a thing.
Similarly, it means a lot to me that you've read this far. As always, if you're reading this, it means I value having you in my life.
Peace and love be with you always.