(no subject)
I used to think I was a pretty patient person, but I continue to prove myself wrong. Especially when it comes to having patience with myself. I just sat and tried to draw, and I've got a pretty clear picture of how I want my drawing to look like. But I can never achieve my goal. I get so freaking pissed off, I more or less always write shit, fuck or whatever all over my sketches. I can look at pictures and copy them pretty well, like my vampire, although that wasn't a drawing I copied or anything. But it's like I can't get the shadowing and just plain details right. I suck at drawing hands. I can do a cartoon face, that's about it.
I feel unstable. My mood swings pretty drastically. Sunday I started off being pretty damn depressed, but I ended up feeling really great. My long walk and my photos really made me happy. But it switches fast. Today my stupid ass drawing ticked me off really bad. I've gone from happy to depressed to pissed off to sad to whatever. Am I going through menopause? I haven't noticed any hotflashes. Come to think of it, I was pretty sweaty this morning when I woke up.
I've got wishes, wants, expectations of myself, and I don't feel like I ever accomplish want I set out to. It's frustrating, a let down. I have somewhat a fear of failing, most people probably do. But I can't help to think that I fail most of the time. And I think most people think that about me too. Just to make it clear though, I know some people don't think that. I try to be independent, not care what other people think, be laid back. But I'm the opposite. I've always had a need to be validated by others. Before I state my opinion, I need to see if it's ok for me to think that way. There's a select few I don't completely feel that way around. I find it easy to be critical, but hard as hell do admit to things I like. Admitting to love one thing says a million more things about you, than admitting to hate a thousand. And I guess I have a hard time showing myself to people. Going back to the validation thing. Because I see myself as ugly, and expect other to see the same. Not ugly as in a horrific monster, just not a thing of interest.
I've always had this idea that the world is composed of servants and "servees". I fall into the servant category. It doesn't really have anything to do with class, just personallity. It applies to most circumstances. But what has somewhat bothered me lately is it applies to friends and friendship too. I haven't really explained my idea properly, but it doesn't really matter. What bothers me is the fact that at work, for example, I walk around and I persue "friends" of mine. I walk around the store to see who's working, and talk to people. It's never the other way around though. It has always been the same. Even as a kid, I was the one who always called other friends to see if we could hang out. If I left messages, my friends were never too eager to call me back. I really hate what I'm typing right now, cause it's such a pity avalanche, but I'm not aiming for it. Just voicing my mind. What I'm trying to say is, I'm in a general sense not an interesting, likeable, nice person. I've always been the side kick. There's never been an instance were I haven't been. And it bothers me.
I just find it really hard to function. Not only in society, where I'm completely lost, I can't function with just myself. It's tiring. I just want to be happy. But it's sooo easy to immerse myself in depression or being sad. Do I need medication?
Can't help but to feel very pityful for posts like these. I promise I don't write them for attention. I just try to make sence to myself....
Well, I watched "Chumscrubber" and "The squid and the whale" today. Chumscrubber was ok. If you get a chance to see it when you're totally bored and nothing else to do, watch it. It was watchable. I might give it another shot, so it wasn't that bad.
The squid and the whale. Wow. Don't really know what to say or think about that one. I'm very torn. I loved it and didn't really care for it. It had some really funny parts, really disturbing parts, depressing parts. It had a mix of everything. Well, it wasn't scary or anything. But I think it's a keeper. I really liked it. It had a Royal Tenenbaums think going on, with the mix of different moods. You're not sure if it's comedy or drama, if a scene is funny or sad. The more I think about it, the more I like it. The fact that Wes Anderson produced it put me off a little bit, since I could have seen him direct it. But oh well, I guess I should take it for what it is and not be bothered by what surrounds it.