Staying alive.
So, I thought about calling this post "dying", but I decided I'd rather call it "Staying alive" cause from now on I am going to try to see the glass as half full instead of half empty.
Now, a little summary of today's events.
I woke up when I received a phone call that my dentistappointment for the day was moved to next week, and so I went upstairs to call my mom and tell her. She told me that she was going to wait to tell me until after I had been at the dentist's, but seeing as I was not going she told me that the condition of my great-grandfather had gotten worse. A couple of weeks ago I had visited him, and he was very ill. But he was awake, could barely talk (but talk) and even joke. Then later that night I received note that he had gotten pneumonia, and I knew that when old people get pneumonia they are too week to fight it, and it is like the last stadium before they die.
So, today he was even worse. They had thought he was going to die last night, but he is still alive. He is only sleeping, but it's a very deep sleep that he is unlikely to wake up from. So I went there earlier today, and it was really hard to see him like that. I could see that he was floating somewhere between consiousness and unconsiousness, not quite being able to separate what we said from what was in his head. I also think he tried to wake up as we could see him trying to break out of the sleep and he had cramps from the pain caused mostly by his cancer. And I don't really think he knew just how to wake up, so we were all sorta just waiting for him to draw his last breath. I left, but went back a couple of hours ago. He had gotten worse again, but he was still alive. He has a strong heart, but he doesn't have much time left. And it's really hurting me to think about it. I told him goodbye and that I love him, and some part of me believes he heard it. But I really wish he would wake up so that I could have the chance to say all the things I did't quite know how to say the time I was there when he was awake.
About a year ago my great-grandmother died. She was one of the most important people in my life, and we had a very special bond. But even though she had been sick for a long time, she was still up and going. So it came very sudden when she just collapsed on the floor. I still had so much to ask her, so much to tell her. When she died it was like my anchor loosened and I've been floating around on constant autopilot ever since.. just drifting along. Being alive, but not really living. And now I'm gonna lose my great-granddad too? It's not fair. I know we all have to depart from our loved once at one point, but I think I've had my share of loss already. It's like I'm a magnet for unfortune and bad things.
I can't stop thinking about him. I think he's ready, but am I? I hope I can handle it.. when it hurts like this now, I think it'll be unbearable when he actually goes. Maybe he'll live until tomorrow, so that I can see him again? I really, really hope so.
Pray with me?
-Nadia.