scattered.
i found this letter i wrote on january 26th of 2006 and i like it. i think it a little ironic reading it now, but also reassuring.
Dear Chris,
There are so many thoughts all swirling around in my head at once. The top two go something like this: "But what about Jamie?" and "Seriously, i've only been home a few weeks."
And I try to let those two thoughts bring me to some level of normalcy, because this is all crazy and wonderful and crappy and confusing and completely tragic all at once.
I just want to talk to you all day long forever and tell you everything there is to know about me. And I want to hear everything there is to know about you. But then I get absolutely petrified about everything. I just start thinking about everyone I've ever known, and what has been successful, and all the many, many, many failures. And I think of what those failures did to me. And I just feel broken, like maybe I should not even be near you, because I'll never be remotely trustful enough.
I wanna marry you when I grow up.
I want a million things that I can't express, and I want to tell you everything, but the words just get caught up inside.
I wish I could fast forward to the end of this semester or next year or two years from now and have a look at what we become. And then, maybe I could find some comfort in something more than just liking you.
I wish this felt more real, and it scares me.
So, umm...if I were the boss of you (which we both know I am), I'd tell you to stay with me forever, and not give me shit for being such a scaredy cat, and just be nice and understanding and patient.
Because, if I trusted myself, I'd think this thing could go for a while. Forever doesn't seem like such an impossibility.
....and now i sit here and i think, thank god i took that risk. what if i hadn't where and who and how the hell would i be?
it's been almost 2 years since i wrote that letter and i am still just as crazy for him as i was then. and every now and then, i still get butterflies when i think about him.
Dear Chris,
There are so many thoughts all swirling around in my head at once. The top two go something like this: "But what about Jamie?" and "Seriously, i've only been home a few weeks."
And I try to let those two thoughts bring me to some level of normalcy, because this is all crazy and wonderful and crappy and confusing and completely tragic all at once.
I just want to talk to you all day long forever and tell you everything there is to know about me. And I want to hear everything there is to know about you. But then I get absolutely petrified about everything. I just start thinking about everyone I've ever known, and what has been successful, and all the many, many, many failures. And I think of what those failures did to me. And I just feel broken, like maybe I should not even be near you, because I'll never be remotely trustful enough.
I wanna marry you when I grow up.
I want a million things that I can't express, and I want to tell you everything, but the words just get caught up inside.
I wish I could fast forward to the end of this semester or next year or two years from now and have a look at what we become. And then, maybe I could find some comfort in something more than just liking you.
I wish this felt more real, and it scares me.
So, umm...if I were the boss of you (which we both know I am), I'd tell you to stay with me forever, and not give me shit for being such a scaredy cat, and just be nice and understanding and patient.
Because, if I trusted myself, I'd think this thing could go for a while. Forever doesn't seem like such an impossibility.
....and now i sit here and i think, thank god i took that risk. what if i hadn't where and who and how the hell would i be?
it's been almost 2 years since i wrote that letter and i am still just as crazy for him as i was then. and every now and then, i still get butterflies when i think about him.