out of reach.
it's amazing the emotional clarity you enter after a relationship is over and done with. at that point when you know, for certain, you've reached the end. it's as if everything, every tiny detail of your relationship is magnified, and replayed, over and over again when you close your eyes or get trapt in those moments between blinking.
it's 4:15 in the morning,
about an hour before it would be time to hear my alarm going off, turn over kiss your cheek and stare at you for a minute before we tip-toed downstairs, turned the alarm off and said goodbye for a few hours. and before this moment, before this clarity- i remembered everything, or i thought i did. but now, i remember it all, ever last second of it. the way it wasn't really the alarm i woke up to, but the changes in the rythm of your heart that kept me up. i could always tell what the momentum of your dreams was depending on how quickly i could hear your heart beat. and i remember how i loved your hair, at this time of morning more than any because you as you slept, you finally left it alone, you didn't flatten it every 10 minutes, or fix it when i ran my fingers through it, so every curl- went its own way, didn't match any other, and surprisingly, they all fit together, and made you look so natural...so perfect.
and it wasnt the goodbye kiss that i remembered this morning, but it was your lips, and the way every morning we said goodbye, i knew it was only temporary, only hours until i'd see you again, with either ihop or tin star. i never had to wonder when the next time was. you didn't even have to tell me. it was the way you kissed me, like it was a habbit. there was never doubt, rush, or morning breath. at the door, my world always stopped for a minute to say goodbye, i lost all urges of panic that my mom would wake up and realize you had been in my bed all night long.
it's the way you held my hand. your thumb...its movement let me know when you were concentrating, and when you were only pretending to not be thinking about me. i knew you were in the middle of loving me, when your thumb moved up and down over my hand, while your other fingers were busy being laced with mine. and how every so often, if your thumb went too long without producing your lips a kiss, you wouldn't wait for me any longer, you'd just lean over and kiss the top of my head, to remind me you were there. no one but you has ever kissed the top of my head. i don't think i'd let anyone if they tried.
i remember the exact tempture of your counter around the sink and how it felt on the hands i used to brace myself as i sat there, and waited for you to come around the corner. and i remember the way your lips turned up and that goofy grin appeared, i remember the pitch of your laugh, and the ways your eyes moved - up and down for a moment, but once you looked into mine, you never stopped. i remember where my legs, arms and lips landed every single time we were there.
i remember losing ourselves between my sheets, and falling into one another like we had waited to our whole lives. i remember the time right before i left, when right in the middle you stopped to look me in my eyes, and kiss me and i thought- i finally got it, it was the first time i'd ever really understood how to 'make love' it had finally become something more, something deeper with someone. coincidentally, that really was the first time i made anything tangible with an act like that, and only weeks later, i woke up in pain, and heard i had lost the love you and i created that night...without even knowing it was there all along. that will always tie my heart to yours. forever i will know that you and i, really did share something bigger than i have shared with anyone else. and i lost it, i know. and i blame myself every day for that, no matter how many times i hear it was nothing i had any controll over. i'll always feel like i took something from you, and did nothing but lose it.
i've only been weak enough to need a hero one time. that was the first time i was helpless enough to need saving. the cold, it was biting that night, and it was wet, and darker then most nights i'd ever seen in Texas. and i knew- i was driving to the wrong house, i was going to the wrong boy, my mind was elsewhere, my mind was on you, it was racing, from the minute i left my house, i knew- i had made a mistake, i went the wrong way. and i didn't get far before my mind raced me into the biggest, darkest hole i'd ever find myself in. and only one person came to my rescue, probably the one person who deserved to ignore my calls and not answer my cries for help. you saved me, you rescued me, and from that night on...from that night to this night, you are still my only hero. still the only person i owe my rescue from this whole world to.
when i drove away from you, and out of this state, i was whole. i didn't have a need in the world as long as i had a love like yours. and as i settled in, and as time, and fate gradually took their courses, that dark, deep, wet hole... dug itself all over again. and i found myself alone, at the bottom, with no chance of saving myself. so i sat in the bottom, and i waited for you to come. i kept sitting, and i kept waiting, i kept fooling myself into thinking you would be coming any minute to tell me things were going to be all right, to take me by the hand, and let your thumb do the talking, to kiss me on my head and kill the cold. but you didn't. and i chased it, i came all the way back thinking- maybe if you bring the darkness closer to him, he'll find his way to it. but, it only seemed darker, and colder, and deeper. you only ran further. the states away we were from each other felt closer than these cities now that i'm here.
you know, i drove by that hole today. i tried to pull into that empty building, but its chained off- they're remodeling and opening as another store. and my hole is almost all filled in. it's even got grass growing there, and i found that you can easily pull over into it, and get yourself out with no effort. i wouldn't need a hero if i turned too early tonight.
and the emotional clarity, it tells me, among other things...i was never really stuck in that hole, it wasn't as dark as i remember either. i let myself wait at the bottom, and i convinced myself over and over that my hero was coming back. my knight in shining armor wasn't far down the road, he was coming...which was believable until i saw the hole today. if i turned to early this time, i wouldn't need you any way. which is good, because you're not coming to save me, you weren't coming in the first place.
it's 4:15 in the morning,
about an hour before it would be time to hear my alarm going off, turn over kiss your cheek and stare at you for a minute before we tip-toed downstairs, turned the alarm off and said goodbye for a few hours. and before this moment, before this clarity- i remembered everything, or i thought i did. but now, i remember it all, ever last second of it. the way it wasn't really the alarm i woke up to, but the changes in the rythm of your heart that kept me up. i could always tell what the momentum of your dreams was depending on how quickly i could hear your heart beat. and i remember how i loved your hair, at this time of morning more than any because you as you slept, you finally left it alone, you didn't flatten it every 10 minutes, or fix it when i ran my fingers through it, so every curl- went its own way, didn't match any other, and surprisingly, they all fit together, and made you look so natural...so perfect.
and it wasnt the goodbye kiss that i remembered this morning, but it was your lips, and the way every morning we said goodbye, i knew it was only temporary, only hours until i'd see you again, with either ihop or tin star. i never had to wonder when the next time was. you didn't even have to tell me. it was the way you kissed me, like it was a habbit. there was never doubt, rush, or morning breath. at the door, my world always stopped for a minute to say goodbye, i lost all urges of panic that my mom would wake up and realize you had been in my bed all night long.
it's the way you held my hand. your thumb...its movement let me know when you were concentrating, and when you were only pretending to not be thinking about me. i knew you were in the middle of loving me, when your thumb moved up and down over my hand, while your other fingers were busy being laced with mine. and how every so often, if your thumb went too long without producing your lips a kiss, you wouldn't wait for me any longer, you'd just lean over and kiss the top of my head, to remind me you were there. no one but you has ever kissed the top of my head. i don't think i'd let anyone if they tried.
i remember the exact tempture of your counter around the sink and how it felt on the hands i used to brace myself as i sat there, and waited for you to come around the corner. and i remember the way your lips turned up and that goofy grin appeared, i remember the pitch of your laugh, and the ways your eyes moved - up and down for a moment, but once you looked into mine, you never stopped. i remember where my legs, arms and lips landed every single time we were there.
i remember losing ourselves between my sheets, and falling into one another like we had waited to our whole lives. i remember the time right before i left, when right in the middle you stopped to look me in my eyes, and kiss me and i thought- i finally got it, it was the first time i'd ever really understood how to 'make love' it had finally become something more, something deeper with someone. coincidentally, that really was the first time i made anything tangible with an act like that, and only weeks later, i woke up in pain, and heard i had lost the love you and i created that night...without even knowing it was there all along. that will always tie my heart to yours. forever i will know that you and i, really did share something bigger than i have shared with anyone else. and i lost it, i know. and i blame myself every day for that, no matter how many times i hear it was nothing i had any controll over. i'll always feel like i took something from you, and did nothing but lose it.
i've only been weak enough to need a hero one time. that was the first time i was helpless enough to need saving. the cold, it was biting that night, and it was wet, and darker then most nights i'd ever seen in Texas. and i knew- i was driving to the wrong house, i was going to the wrong boy, my mind was elsewhere, my mind was on you, it was racing, from the minute i left my house, i knew- i had made a mistake, i went the wrong way. and i didn't get far before my mind raced me into the biggest, darkest hole i'd ever find myself in. and only one person came to my rescue, probably the one person who deserved to ignore my calls and not answer my cries for help. you saved me, you rescued me, and from that night on...from that night to this night, you are still my only hero. still the only person i owe my rescue from this whole world to.
when i drove away from you, and out of this state, i was whole. i didn't have a need in the world as long as i had a love like yours. and as i settled in, and as time, and fate gradually took their courses, that dark, deep, wet hole... dug itself all over again. and i found myself alone, at the bottom, with no chance of saving myself. so i sat in the bottom, and i waited for you to come. i kept sitting, and i kept waiting, i kept fooling myself into thinking you would be coming any minute to tell me things were going to be all right, to take me by the hand, and let your thumb do the talking, to kiss me on my head and kill the cold. but you didn't. and i chased it, i came all the way back thinking- maybe if you bring the darkness closer to him, he'll find his way to it. but, it only seemed darker, and colder, and deeper. you only ran further. the states away we were from each other felt closer than these cities now that i'm here.
you know, i drove by that hole today. i tried to pull into that empty building, but its chained off- they're remodeling and opening as another store. and my hole is almost all filled in. it's even got grass growing there, and i found that you can easily pull over into it, and get yourself out with no effort. i wouldn't need a hero if i turned too early tonight.
and the emotional clarity, it tells me, among other things...i was never really stuck in that hole, it wasn't as dark as i remember either. i let myself wait at the bottom, and i convinced myself over and over that my hero was coming back. my knight in shining armor wasn't far down the road, he was coming...which was believable until i saw the hole today. if i turned to early this time, i wouldn't need you any way. which is good, because you're not coming to save me, you weren't coming in the first place.