deep breath.
i've been searching for words,
that i admitt, should have come sooner. easier. better than they will.
but this is what i've got.
and if you want it, take it...
because it's the only time i'll ever make this exception,
it's the only time i'll ever make an explanation for my actions
for recent events.
you dont know me, really..
which means, by default and because of all of this,
you're not going to believe me when i say
i really am a good person.
i was only brought up to understand one thing,
selflessness.
because in a family like mine,
in the world i was raised in,
it's easy to forget about other people, and to be totally honest, my mom's too good to have let me become that
probably because at one point, she did.
so i meant it when i said i'd let anyone walk all over me,
as long as they said please
but allowing that to be your daily life, for almost 20 years... starts to take a toll
and one morning, you wake up in a bed that isnt yours and you wonder, what the hell am i doing here
and you start understanding who it is you want to be, what it is that matters, and who you want to waste your time with.
and all of a sudden, i did. and i let go, and i made the decision to be selfish, knowing it would hurt a lot of people, and knowing i might lose a lot of what i worked for, and knowing, it might not be worth it in the end.
but every time i saw him, i got this unsettling feeling like, it could be. like, if i didn't try, i'd never know what the feeling in the pit of my stomach was all about.
i didn't really mean to take anything from you, and i know you'll never believe that so it won't matter if i don't apologize for letting the excitement of every moment of every day i spent with him take over.
it sounds so stupid to try and use the over played line, " it just sort of happened" or " you can't controll who your heart falls for "
because, believe me, there was a point in my life where i sat where you right now and read those lines and thought fuck off
because you're right, it doesnt "just happen" and you can controll it.
people make the choice to love, or not to love.
but in this instance, i made the choice to let myself go...for once, and for all.
no matter the consequences, because day in and day out of fighting with my heart only led to exhaustion
and this nagging feeling
and the intense realization that, oh shit, i let it happen. i fell for him
and it wasnt fair, it never will be.
i know i'll always be the bad guy, i'll always carry that burden of the girl i swore i could never become
( the same girl i hated two years ago for doing the exact same thing i've just done )
and i don't have to explain to you
why he was worth the risk... you probably know better than i do
and you might just know better than i'll ever be able to.
contrary to what you might have believed,
or do believe, or what i've made you feel...
i do have a respect for what you had
and a healthy fear
( and god, this is going to sound so harsh, but please, i dont mean it the way its going to sound)
but it's a healthy fear that, i'll let it slip away like you did,
or i'll hurt him the way you did.
and i'll lose him the way you did.
i know you think im crazy
and a terrible person
but i'm not.
i don't think i could hurt him, if i tried my hardest.
so if its any consolation, and im sure its not,
but one day it might be...
he's safe with me, im not just another girl.
and what we feel for each other, isnt just an accident
or temporary.
im sure this doesnt make it easier for you,
or make you want to understand anymore that you have to.
or hate me less than you do, and always will...
but, its all i had.
it's the only explanation i know how to give.
it's the respect you asked for. in the only way i know how to give it.
i love him, and i hope one day, you'll be okay with that.