hate me today.

[plasticrice]

i have a disease.
this is the only way i can think of describing it.

i have a virus,
eating me from the inside out.
if i could think of one time i have made a sincere effort to not hurt someone, who only tried to love me,
i could start to cure myself, i think.

i don't know how to be loved, anymore..
i don't think.
i do these things,
like... i lie.
to myself, and to the person, usually the one person, that doesn't deserve it.
and i do things
unforgivable things, most of the time...
and i don't keep them secrets for fun, or out of guilt..
i keep them to myself because, i can hang on to them, so that at the end,
which im sure there always will be,
i can replay them in my head, and remind myself that those are the reasons
i lost, or those are the reasons that kept my so undeserving.

i make so many mistakes.
and i don't know how to find it in myself
to forgive myself anymore.
i hold on to people for convience, its true.

i lose people who i should fight to keep around.
and i don't tell anyone how bad it hurts me.

i think im starting to get homesick,
which is ironic, i know, because i am home...
but i miss my mom
and my dad.
and christopher and taylor and nicky and katie.
and i don't think i made the wrong choice,
i still thing they did.
and i hate them for leaving,
and i hate them for not coming home with me.

i hate myself for going there
and falling in love with eric,
and i hate myself for never being able to fall out of love with him.

i hate myself for running away again.
i ran from evan.
and i ran from eric.
because i don't yet know how to properly lose someone,
that i want so badly to stay around.

i'm a coward.
and i hurt people.
but, i am a good person.
and i do things right.

i just have disease,
that unfortunately, i'm not even willing to fight.