Nip / Tuck
It's getting harder and harder for me to decide which monster has gotten bigger in the past few weeks, my personality disorder, my body dismorphic disorder, or my eating disorder. It's pretty neck and neck to be honest with you, since whenever one achieves a major leap forward, the others become inspired to close the gap. As a result, it's a
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No one said you had to be thin. And anyhow I don't see a direct correlation between weight and demeanor. I think I'm a pretty nice person, and I'd seriously wonder about the sanity of anyone who labeled me thin.
I'm not so sure I'd really like to do anything about it
I would have zero problem with this if you were content, but that clearly is not your present situation. And you're ignoring option 2 which is to learn to accept yourself, which is probably the healthiest option, at least mentally. It's definitely not the easiest, but seems to be the most rewarding from my experience, and it can lead you into action.
The thing is, past about age 5, I've wished I was petite - somewhere around a size 4 or 6. Early in high school was when I was in peak shape, dancing ballet several hours a day. At the time I was a size 12/14 and weighed about 175 pounds - but everyone consistently guessed I was much lighter. Any of the height/weight charts would have told you I was overweight, but my BMI was 17-18%, which is actually considered underweight. I was so unhappy though, I was so much bigger than most kids at school. It made me miserable, it just wanted to be like the other girls (who were actually much "fatter" than I was). Then finally, somewhere along the line (approximately 10 years and an additional 100# later) I figured out that being a size 4 wasn't in the cards for me and it was silly to aspire to it. But I could be healthy again if I wanted too. So that's what I work towards. I try not to let the scale define me anymore. I focus on healthy choices not on pounds and inches. I forgive myself for slipping, especially when there are lots of other things going on, but work hard not to use at as an excuse to give up. I don't think I'll ever get down to that low a BMI again, because I like bread and ice cream and gooey melty cheese way too much, but I can be a smaller version of me if that's what I decide.
Believe me, I hear you loud and clear on the whole fat/exercise thing. But it truly does get easier as you develop a routine and get some practice. And although exercise sucks, not all of is completely horrid. One of the things I miss most about Seattle is walking around at night. And we're coming into one of the best times of year for taking evening strolls.
The truth is, I love chocolate way to much to ever be able to lose any weight.
You can still eat chocolate and lose weight, IF you ever decide you want to do that. But this post wasn't about little indulgences here and there. And the whole mashed potato/diet coke/snickers thing obviously isn't working for you. I know what it's like to go to the drive through and order so much food, that you order an extra drink in hopes they think that you're bringing it to someone else. And then park in a secluded place and start gobbling down the entire contents and finally break down in tears, because even though you're stuffed you can't make yourself stop eating. It sucks. And no one should have to live their life like that.
There are low cost treatment options that are worthwhile. My biggest therapeutic breakthroughs occurred when I was seeing a student doing a practicum through Portland State's psych program. It cost me all of $10 a week to help them cover cost, and that fee was waived for those that couldn't afford it. You need an objective party to help you more realistically evaluate yourself. If OA isn't your thing, how about looking into Harborview's Mental Health Services? I don't have any experience with that specific clinic, but I've used another Harborview clinic when I was near broke and needing treatment. I could have walked out of there for free, but decided to go ahead with an optional test that cost me $20, well below its actual value. I'm not sure what the scale is, and if the focus would serve you, but it's a place to start. At the very least you'd probably end up with a referral. 206-744-9600.
Take care of yourself. And let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.
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