Nip / Tuck
It's getting harder and harder for me to decide which monster has gotten bigger in the past few weeks, my personality disorder, my body dismorphic disorder, or my eating disorder. It's pretty neck and neck to be honest with you, since whenever one achieves a major leap forward, the others become inspired to close the gap. As a result, it's a
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ANYWAY, I am thinking about how much time and energy I wasted thinking about how horrible my body was.
You still are wasting time and energy on this. The way I see it you have three options:
1) Do something about it
2) Accept yourself for how you are now
3) Continue to loathe yourself until you completely self destruct.
The latter is the worst possible, and yet it seems to be where you're headed. It really worries me. While I can't pretend to know exactly what you're going through, I do know the emense pain associated with depression and eating disorder. You'll probably need help getting thourgh this. Are you currently receiving any professional care? From your previous post it doesn't sound like you have a strong support system around you, making professional supervision that much more crucial.
Also, have you considered a peer support group, like OA? They have some really good resources to help combat binging. Here's a list of the meetings held in the Seattle area. There's also a online chapter, The Recovery Group, if you can't go to a physical meeting. They hold meetings every three hours, and there are usually people milling in the room, so you can typically talk to someone if you need to. You are not alone in this struggle.
There are people that care about you Naite. I know we've never met, but from our online interactions I can tell you are a good person. I realize I've only seen a glimpse of who you are on the inside, and you keep a lot of stuff shielded, but nevertheless, I've seen enough to know that although you struggle you are full of amazing talent. Don't let these other things get in the way of that. You are stronger than them, and the times when you feel you are not, there are people to help you through.
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No, I'm not under any professional care because I cannot afford it, and frankly the free shit sucks. Like OA. I've been to OA. Buncha hand-holding narcicists who think if you eat a lot you must have been abused as a child. Being that I am an in-your-face kind of narcicist prevents me from respecting people like that.
And I'm not so sure I'd really like to do anything about it. The truth is, I love chocolate way to much to ever be able to lose any weight. And pizza. Grease in general, I think. And dough. Oh god, anything that's like a doughy cakey concoction, hell yeah. Chuck Klosterman said in one of his books that he hates running, and physically never gets anything positive out of it. But when it's over, he feels a little tougher mentally. So he runs, and he runs with focus, and he runs fast. He runs every day because this is what lets him eat whatever he wants and drink everyday if he needs to. He's in pretty good shape. And this is why he can run. I can't run. I can barely ride a stationary bike. It's easy to run every day when you're thin to begin with. But when you're fat to begin with, you can't hardly do excercise. I think I'm going to do a post about why I have failed at every excercise program I have started.
Anyway, this is why I will never be thin, and that is why I can never be nice, and that is the reason I will, I suspsect, ultimately self destruct, as you put it.
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