All around the world we swing, like a penny in a spin.
These have been a rough three years for me, no matter what else I might tell you. Let's be honest for a moment. Let's sit and have a talk, as friends. My life is very lonely. Did I ever tell you that I sometimes go to malls simply to watch people enjoy the company of their friends? I did. I don't do that anymore though. I've been through loneliness. I've been so far through loneliness that I've come out the other side. And do you know what I found on the other side? I found a wonderful thing. I found power. Not in that ultra-dramatic-goth-loner-nerdy-wannabe-magician kind of way. In a very personal kind of way, I found power. It's the power of freedom. You see, I've had a few heartaches. Not very many, but as is so often the case, these few are very big. I'm beginning to think that there is a maximum amount of heartache that a person can hold, and our experiences shrink and grow and change shape to fit. This would be why, when we are young and our hearts are broken, it feels so monumental, but as we grow older they seem to hurt less and less until we can look back to that first and think of it as a small thing. Perhaps the first heartache fills the entirety of the available space, the second occupies half of the space and shrinks the first to only have, the third splits it into thirds, and so on. Did you follow that? No? That's alright. This is a conversation after all. We're allowed to tangent. At this point in a dialog with a friend, I find it refreshing to enjoy a cigarette and a beverage, and I will do so now.
So, friend... do you want to know how this power affects me? No? I'm going to tell you anyway. This power frees me in a very simple way. If I fail or succeed, collapse or overcome, let myself be crushed or find someone else to flatten, if I do any of these things, I have only myself to be accountable to. I say this with more heart than grammar, I realize, but at this point in the conversation, I am often thinking and speaking faster than my brain can filter. Friend, I have found power in solitude. I am free. There is another aspect to this that I should note. I am no longer afraid. This is your cue to roll your eyes, displaying skepticism. But it's true. I'm don't have any reason to live my life in fear anymore.
What scares you? No, really, I mean it. You can confide in me. I'd very much like to know. Are you afraid of untimely death? Timely death? Painful death? Not afraid of death at all, you say? Well, are you afraid of losing someone you love? Losing love? Falling in love again? No, no, you're perfectly at ease with love. Hmm... how about money? Are you afraid of overdraft? Repossession? Not being able to afford gas? Well, you're fine with money, too. This is a pickle, no doubt about it. You're probably afraid of spiders, or snakes, or bees or birds. Are you afraid that someone will find out who you really are? Are you pretending to be someone you really aren't? Are you pretending to be someone you really are? Are you afraid of being caught in a lie, or caught doing something you shouldn't? Hand-in-the-cookie-jar-syndrome? I apologize for this litany, but it's part of my point. These things are without exception all things I used to fear. I don't fear them anymore. Why? Because it doesn't matter. And do you know why they don't matter? Yes, good guess. Because I am alone. I am alone, will always be alone, and am comfortable in that knowledge!
If, when I die, I open my eyes on the other side and stand before my Maker, I will do so proudly. I will stand tall, because what other option do I have? I'm probably going to get what's coming to me, and I deserve nothing less. No nilly-willy salvation concept will save me. I'll be proud of the life I've lived, and I'll look the Creator straight in the eye. If given the chance to speak, I will probably say something along the lines of "Ummmmm... this is sweet." What I will WANT to say is this: "How can you condemn something for behaving the only way it knows how? I became a mean, callous, selfish and wretched creature because of my circumstance, and you will condemn me for behaving accordingly? It's very easy to be kind to your neighbor when you both live a pleasant life in the suburbs. It's very easy to turn the other cheek when you have a family to support you. It's very easy to love others as yourself when you're able to love yourself in the first place. You don't want people as they are. You tell people to come as they are so that you can change them. Well, my Lord, I rather like who I am and have no need of your enforced obedience, and I'm sure I wouldn't be happy here with you, so kindly show me to the exit." "Oh dude, this is cool!" lacks a certain something by comparison, but it'll be the best I can do.
Anyhow, it's late, and I have a plane to catch in the morning, so we're going to have to wrap this up. Thank you for this little chat. I really love to talk to you, and I can't wait to see you face to face, even if I have to wait until the next life. Until then, goodbye for now.
So, friend... do you want to know how this power affects me? No? I'm going to tell you anyway. This power frees me in a very simple way. If I fail or succeed, collapse or overcome, let myself be crushed or find someone else to flatten, if I do any of these things, I have only myself to be accountable to. I say this with more heart than grammar, I realize, but at this point in the conversation, I am often thinking and speaking faster than my brain can filter. Friend, I have found power in solitude. I am free. There is another aspect to this that I should note. I am no longer afraid. This is your cue to roll your eyes, displaying skepticism. But it's true. I'm don't have any reason to live my life in fear anymore.
What scares you? No, really, I mean it. You can confide in me. I'd very much like to know. Are you afraid of untimely death? Timely death? Painful death? Not afraid of death at all, you say? Well, are you afraid of losing someone you love? Losing love? Falling in love again? No, no, you're perfectly at ease with love. Hmm... how about money? Are you afraid of overdraft? Repossession? Not being able to afford gas? Well, you're fine with money, too. This is a pickle, no doubt about it. You're probably afraid of spiders, or snakes, or bees or birds. Are you afraid that someone will find out who you really are? Are you pretending to be someone you really aren't? Are you pretending to be someone you really are? Are you afraid of being caught in a lie, or caught doing something you shouldn't? Hand-in-the-cookie-jar-syndrome? I apologize for this litany, but it's part of my point. These things are without exception all things I used to fear. I don't fear them anymore. Why? Because it doesn't matter. And do you know why they don't matter? Yes, good guess. Because I am alone. I am alone, will always be alone, and am comfortable in that knowledge!
If, when I die, I open my eyes on the other side and stand before my Maker, I will do so proudly. I will stand tall, because what other option do I have? I'm probably going to get what's coming to me, and I deserve nothing less. No nilly-willy salvation concept will save me. I'll be proud of the life I've lived, and I'll look the Creator straight in the eye. If given the chance to speak, I will probably say something along the lines of "Ummmmm... this is sweet." What I will WANT to say is this: "How can you condemn something for behaving the only way it knows how? I became a mean, callous, selfish and wretched creature because of my circumstance, and you will condemn me for behaving accordingly? It's very easy to be kind to your neighbor when you both live a pleasant life in the suburbs. It's very easy to turn the other cheek when you have a family to support you. It's very easy to love others as yourself when you're able to love yourself in the first place. You don't want people as they are. You tell people to come as they are so that you can change them. Well, my Lord, I rather like who I am and have no need of your enforced obedience, and I'm sure I wouldn't be happy here with you, so kindly show me to the exit." "Oh dude, this is cool!" lacks a certain something by comparison, but it'll be the best I can do.
Anyhow, it's late, and I have a plane to catch in the morning, so we're going to have to wrap this up. Thank you for this little chat. I really love to talk to you, and I can't wait to see you face to face, even if I have to wait until the next life. Until then, goodbye for now.