(no subject)
It's like... have you ever gone to see a band that you liked pretty well, but they all got drunk or whatever, and for that and other reasons, the show just ended up being not what you expected? Like, they played a song that you totally adore, and it was right on in every way that made it that song, except something was off... and you couldn't put your ears exactly on what it was that was off... but it didn't do it for you. And so you get back in your car, kind of excited but mostly disappointed, and you pop in the CD and get the chills because this is the way it should be?
That's kinda how I feel about life and living it. What I have now is the unimpressive performance. What I remember having in the past is more like the CD. It's cool anyway though, life. It's like this big beautiful amalgam of things that I know must go together, and I've experienced it to be so so good in the past. But this time around it feels off. Just a little off tempo. Just a little flat. It also feels a little contrived and, frankly, a little sad. It's all the worst moments from the best times of my youth so far, that's the only way I can describe it. The awkward silence on a first date. The nausea after a roller coaster. The phone ringing in the middle of a kiss. It's all rolled up into this weird, tangly time that really should be the happiest of my life. It is, in some ways. Not in others. I remember the time when that awkward moment would make us laugh, when the nausea could wait because I was going again, when I would have left my phone on silent. Things were better then. Much better. I remember thinking at the time how much I hated life. Not really life, and not really hated either. I wasn't happy with my existence. There, that's very abstract. Noncommittal. Safe. So I set out to make it better. And it is, in some ways. In other ways, I'm cresting a hill and gazing on a world that wasn't ready for me then and is so over me by now.
And here I am again, 17 years old and shrinking in my skin.
That's kinda how I feel about life and living it. What I have now is the unimpressive performance. What I remember having in the past is more like the CD. It's cool anyway though, life. It's like this big beautiful amalgam of things that I know must go together, and I've experienced it to be so so good in the past. But this time around it feels off. Just a little off tempo. Just a little flat. It also feels a little contrived and, frankly, a little sad. It's all the worst moments from the best times of my youth so far, that's the only way I can describe it. The awkward silence on a first date. The nausea after a roller coaster. The phone ringing in the middle of a kiss. It's all rolled up into this weird, tangly time that really should be the happiest of my life. It is, in some ways. Not in others. I remember the time when that awkward moment would make us laugh, when the nausea could wait because I was going again, when I would have left my phone on silent. Things were better then. Much better. I remember thinking at the time how much I hated life. Not really life, and not really hated either. I wasn't happy with my existence. There, that's very abstract. Noncommittal. Safe. So I set out to make it better. And it is, in some ways. In other ways, I'm cresting a hill and gazing on a world that wasn't ready for me then and is so over me by now.
And here I am again, 17 years old and shrinking in my skin.