i think the absolute sincerity part is the most important...
oh my god. i wish that i didn't have to do anything anymore. i am so sick of not being able to sit down and chill or read. i haven't even written anything in over a month. i think that attributes to my sudden off and on craziness. The show opens on Friday and today we had rehearsal and some dumb ass thought it was from 12:30 at night to 2:30 in the morning and others were missing so we got nothing done. My mother is in town. And you know what? It fucking sucks. I don't make plans and haven't gone out since she has been in Fort Meyers and I only see her for like 2 hours and by the time we are all together her and my father "go to bed". What the fuck is the point? I will definitely be fired (i know i say this a lot but it is for real this time) because I need to tell them tomorrow that i can't work all week. I am debating leaving and cleaning houses for my sister, her mom, and my sister's best friend because they will pay me more money, it won't take real long, and i pick my own damn hours. Cleaning sucks but I am good at it so it may not be too bad of a deal. I have to read A Farewell to Arms this weekend. I read fifteen pages when I was at Sacred Ground yesterday and I wanted to cry it was so boring. I hear it gets better but I am quite skeptical. I am in one of those I-want-to-read-the-Bell-Jar-over-and-over-so-I-can-get-really-depressed moods and that's no good. I am jealous of everyone and everything in the world right now. I am jealous of Sean's job and mad that he told me he was gonna stop doing shit and I just talked to him and could BARELY UNDERSTAND HIM and when I pretended I wasn't mad but obviously was he just left it at that. And I'm jealous because I don't know something about my best friend that someone else does, and I am mad that my parents are moving and that they bitch and say I should spend all summer there and make me feel bad for being busy all the time, when I have always been busy all the time and I HAVE NOT changed it's THEM who decided to move to another city during the middle of everything. I am jealous and mad at everyone in the show because i feel like i suck in it and am not funny and can never be funny like chris or marcelle and that i really should have never gotten into theatre at all. I fucking hate school and I am not motivated to do any of my work or go to school at all and I wish it was over. I am so tired of not being able to sleep at night and then getting up early to not really do anything or learn anything too wonderful. I think that is about it. I doubt anyone read this all the way through and if someone did I apologize. I, however, feel much better. Good night.