(no subject)
Maybe it's not only because of Valentine's Day - it's just as much because of the songs I'm listening to, but I'm nostalgic. I would write down the memories I have, except I don't think I'll ever forget them anyway. The way I see the whole thing overall when I look back keeps changing, or maybe it's just me that's changing. I remember the specific material elements (weather, music, circumstances) of certain moments when I was absolutely overjoyed, and trying to wonder what the moment would be like when I would look back on it in the future (now). I was wondering if the gratitute I felt (towards whatever allowed me to be so happy) would allow it to continue indefinitely.
I know that the way I feel is ridiculous, and not sustainable towards my continued happiness. I've also learned how much it's possible to change yourself, and make yourself into the person you want to be. But for some reason I haven't even tried to change this.
Maybe it's because I feel like I would have to let something go in order to move on - I'd have to convince myself (not superficially but deep down) that the strongest positive feelings I ever felt in my life were not everything I thought they were. I don't really know how to graciously accept that time in my life for everything it was, while still being open to feeling that way again. I understand the theory, but I haven't been able to do it.
Looking back, it wasn't as holy as I thought it was at the time - but I miss thinking that that holiness was possible. That's not really the right word.
I know that the way I feel is ridiculous, and not sustainable towards my continued happiness. I've also learned how much it's possible to change yourself, and make yourself into the person you want to be. But for some reason I haven't even tried to change this.
Maybe it's because I feel like I would have to let something go in order to move on - I'd have to convince myself (not superficially but deep down) that the strongest positive feelings I ever felt in my life were not everything I thought they were. I don't really know how to graciously accept that time in my life for everything it was, while still being open to feeling that way again. I understand the theory, but I haven't been able to do it.
Looking back, it wasn't as holy as I thought it was at the time - but I miss thinking that that holiness was possible. That's not really the right word.