(no subject)
I think I might've been given THE most confused mind on the face of this earth and its history of mankind. Okay, that probably is way overshot, but it feels like it. Feelings are so invalid. I remember I felt this way so many times before and now that feeling is gone, and here it is again in another form... and I could swear at this moment it is so genuine. But will it be there tomorrow? Is it only here because of the circumstances? Why do I write in ambiguous rhetorical questions to a bunch of anonymous readers who probably gave up a long time ago trying to figure out what I mean?
I'm assuming it's safe to write what I really mean here. Eff it I'm going to. In one month it'll have been one year ago that I broke up from a three year relationship (if that's not confusing enough.) And I really thought to myself that if I could go a whole year just focusing on myself and how I need to change that it would be such a good thing for me. It was relatively easy. Old doors shut just as mine opened, and I was grateful because I didn't think getting involved with anyone would be healthy. I had doors open and it took everything in me to walk past them, and now that I'm nearing my year mark somehow every door either shut or has construction tape all over it and big blinking sign that says walk near this door and you will die. Ha. But anyway. My biggest prediction is that all of a sudden I'm furious there aren't any doors open because now I'm permitting myself to walk into one. And I just want a door and not a room or a home or whatever other freaking analogies I can make up on the spot on a night I should be sleeping because I have a really early class tomorrow ah. Anyway, there is also the temptation to go back through the door I originally closed a year ago. Are you really getting this?
I need God to directly descend from his throne and enter my bedroom, sit at my desk and map out how I should be feeling. Because right now feelings are spilling out all over and I have no clue which are momentary chemical confusions and which are genuine, deeply repressed feelings that have been there all along. I guess intuition doesn't lie.
Well fooey.
Last night at midnight I had the biggest urge to paint, something I haven't done in a very long time. So I got all my acrylic paints and decided not to use a brush. I continued to finger paint a silver cross in the midst of a sea of finger-sized colorythings. I am the MOST articulate person in the world. And I really like it. It makes sense.
okay. I'm over this.
Ciao.
I'm assuming it's safe to write what I really mean here. Eff it I'm going to. In one month it'll have been one year ago that I broke up from a three year relationship (if that's not confusing enough.) And I really thought to myself that if I could go a whole year just focusing on myself and how I need to change that it would be such a good thing for me. It was relatively easy. Old doors shut just as mine opened, and I was grateful because I didn't think getting involved with anyone would be healthy. I had doors open and it took everything in me to walk past them, and now that I'm nearing my year mark somehow every door either shut or has construction tape all over it and big blinking sign that says walk near this door and you will die. Ha. But anyway. My biggest prediction is that all of a sudden I'm furious there aren't any doors open because now I'm permitting myself to walk into one. And I just want a door and not a room or a home or whatever other freaking analogies I can make up on the spot on a night I should be sleeping because I have a really early class tomorrow ah. Anyway, there is also the temptation to go back through the door I originally closed a year ago. Are you really getting this?
I need God to directly descend from his throne and enter my bedroom, sit at my desk and map out how I should be feeling. Because right now feelings are spilling out all over and I have no clue which are momentary chemical confusions and which are genuine, deeply repressed feelings that have been there all along. I guess intuition doesn't lie.
Well fooey.
Last night at midnight I had the biggest urge to paint, something I haven't done in a very long time. So I got all my acrylic paints and decided not to use a brush. I continued to finger paint a silver cross in the midst of a sea of finger-sized colorythings. I am the MOST articulate person in the world. And I really like it. It makes sense.
okay. I'm over this.
Ciao.