hopefully this explaing my behavior lately...
I stopped by the highschool today and picked up my yearbook and I'm upset. It's like a glossy image or how highschool should be and the fun times that make you look back and wish you could live it all over again. It doesn't show the drama, the boring times, the rules, the work, but you forget about all that when you see the smiling faces in expensive gowns or hanging out in the cafeteria. I don't know...there were 6 pictures of me in the yearbook and it was just like wow..like all those times were fun I kind of want them back. High school is over for me. It ended 6 months ago. If I stayed I think I would have hated it and myself for not graduating. I really don't mind so much either because it's been 6 months and I've talked to maybe 10 people from Shaker and none of them frequently so obviously no one was a good enough friend to make it past the halls of that fucking school. They were all a bunch of jokes. Even the good friendships ended over shit so obviously they never were good friendships to begin with, which makes me upset I wasted all that time and all that effort keeping them together for what? Not a damn thing I can think of...a few good memories I guess. It's sad though when something is over the good memories are always covered by the bad. I think I grew a lot these last months. I've definitly changed. I can't even remember how I use to be or how I use to act or what use to be fun. None of that seems like it ever even happened. To live the life I lived 6 months ago today I don't think would be possible. I've experienced too much, met too many new people, seen the world outside of fucking high school where the world does not revolve around you, you have to work a lot for what you want, and bad things can happen without warning.
I'm just rambeling on now I guess but it's just so weird how different everything is. I don't know how much I like my life right now. Lately, I'm happy sitting home reading a book all day or playing music or my guitar, bringing my dog to the park, and going to the gym for 2 hours. That to me is a perfect day. I don't even want to go out anymore really. I don't want to deal with people. (I'm sorry to all the people I do hang out with now, I do enjoy the fun times we have just lately I need something more...) I guess I knew this yearbook would piss me off. That's why I skipped the awards assembly, I "accidently" got too drunk and slept through the senior picnic, worked the night of prom, and waited 5 days to pick up my yearbook. Now my mom is planning this huge graduation party for me in June and I don't want it. 50 people from my family who I hate, have no idea what there name is or how I am related to them because I've seen them all twice in my life, my parents friends from work that mean nothing to me, and she keeps begging me to invite people and I'm like everyone from Shaker will have their own thing going on, my other friends are like 21 and in college and dont want to hang out in the backyard with my Aunt Betty celebrating a high school graduation...so wooo this will be a depressing event lets spend a month planning it. I'll be the guest of honor who everyone ignores as usual because everyone thinks I'm a loser...can't wait!
It just sucks my life revolves around 45+ hours at 2 jobs I hate. One is almost like highschool where everyone sleeps with everyone and I feel like I have to impress everyone to be accepted. The other is just boring and filled with drama and just a nasty job I don't want to do anymore. That's my life...
I'm 18 with a few friends, crappy jobs, a huge car payment so I can't quit my jobs, no real interests anymore they all seem boring to me now, living home another 2 years to go to a college I never wanted to go to because I have no money, living with parents that hate me and know nothing about me because I have to lie to them constantly, no boyfriend even though latley it seems like there are 10583 possiblities everytime I get close to having one or find someone that's a possibility I freak out and run away because I guess in my heart I don't want one I just feel I need one because everyone else has one. It's probably more I've been hurt too much lately and couldn't deal with losing another person I let get so close to me, and my emotions so bottled up in me this fucking post isn't even honestly how I feel. It's all sugar coated because I don't express myself anymore so I can't anymore....fuck it all...
I'm just rambeling on now I guess but it's just so weird how different everything is. I don't know how much I like my life right now. Lately, I'm happy sitting home reading a book all day or playing music or my guitar, bringing my dog to the park, and going to the gym for 2 hours. That to me is a perfect day. I don't even want to go out anymore really. I don't want to deal with people. (I'm sorry to all the people I do hang out with now, I do enjoy the fun times we have just lately I need something more...) I guess I knew this yearbook would piss me off. That's why I skipped the awards assembly, I "accidently" got too drunk and slept through the senior picnic, worked the night of prom, and waited 5 days to pick up my yearbook. Now my mom is planning this huge graduation party for me in June and I don't want it. 50 people from my family who I hate, have no idea what there name is or how I am related to them because I've seen them all twice in my life, my parents friends from work that mean nothing to me, and she keeps begging me to invite people and I'm like everyone from Shaker will have their own thing going on, my other friends are like 21 and in college and dont want to hang out in the backyard with my Aunt Betty celebrating a high school graduation...so wooo this will be a depressing event lets spend a month planning it. I'll be the guest of honor who everyone ignores as usual because everyone thinks I'm a loser...can't wait!
It just sucks my life revolves around 45+ hours at 2 jobs I hate. One is almost like highschool where everyone sleeps with everyone and I feel like I have to impress everyone to be accepted. The other is just boring and filled with drama and just a nasty job I don't want to do anymore. That's my life...
I'm 18 with a few friends, crappy jobs, a huge car payment so I can't quit my jobs, no real interests anymore they all seem boring to me now, living home another 2 years to go to a college I never wanted to go to because I have no money, living with parents that hate me and know nothing about me because I have to lie to them constantly, no boyfriend even though latley it seems like there are 10583 possiblities everytime I get close to having one or find someone that's a possibility I freak out and run away because I guess in my heart I don't want one I just feel I need one because everyone else has one. It's probably more I've been hurt too much lately and couldn't deal with losing another person I let get so close to me, and my emotions so bottled up in me this fucking post isn't even honestly how I feel. It's all sugar coated because I don't express myself anymore so I can't anymore....fuck it all...