im not ok, im not o fucking k

Apr 18, 2005 21:17

I feel really shitty tonight. I had a lot of fun last night and went to a concert and was all happy and today just sucked. I went to class at 8 and got a 58 on my sociology test. Then I went to the gym for the first time in almost a week which pisses me off I don't have time or when I do have time I don't go enough anymore. Then I went back to class at 1 and I just felt shitty more. Then I had work 3:30-7:30 and I was just miserable. I hated being there and Bob was an ass to me and people were bitchy and I wanted to go home and crawl in my bed.
I don't like where my life is right now. I don't know if I am unhappy or if I just want a change. I feel like I am being really fucking nice and trying so hard to have fun and just enjoy being 18 and it being 80 degrees out and I'll never be a fucking 18 year old with hardly any worries again and I cant even enjoy it lately. People fucking hate me for no reason and are bitchy to me for no reason and I am upset at myself for a personal issue that seriously like fills my mind 24/7 and I don't tell anyone about it but its all I think about and its like taking over my life and I can't stop it. I just keep giving too much of myself to people that will never give back and it sucks. Lately for the first time in months I have really wanted a boyfriend. I think its mostly because I need something to grasp on to and be in my life and can kind of depend on. I haven't had that in months and its all I want. To feel stable or like I don't have to try so much. Life use to just happen. There were always plans, nothing needed to be discussed, we always had fun, there was never stupid fucking drama, and people never bitched at me or ignored me for doing nothing to them. I want that back.
I can't do my homework at all tonight and thats probably why I am failing school. All I do is sit around and think about how different my life is and how much I hate it but I don't really want my old life back because I hated that life too. I want something different. Not perfect at all just different.
I wasn't going to post this because I usally dont tell anyone at all how I feel. Not even my close friends but lately I don't give a fuck. I don't really care about anyone right now so if you think I am crazy or stupid then oh well I probably don't like you anyway.
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