Excerpts from The Complete Douglas Adams, 'The Lost Chapters of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'
The room they enetered wasn't like an aircraft hanger. Aircraft hangers had a cosy, intimate feel compared with this room. Thousands of desks filled the room in perfect symmetry and behind every desk sat a programmer, each busily keying into a terminal built into he desk. The ergonomics of the room were appolling due to the fact that the recently formed Department of Ergonomic consideration had to be disbanded after a week because the cleaners wanted their broom closet back.
The perfect symmetry was broken by one programmer who stood up as he saw Marvin go into the little robot's room. The programmer waved at the three girls and they made their way through the desks until they finally arrived at the desk of Percival Unha.
"I'm Percival Unha," he announced, picking up a nameplate from his desk bearing the inscription 'UNHA P.'. "See? Do you know that robot, the one that went into the interface room?"
"Yes, he's with us," said Trillian. Percival's voice sounded vaguely familiar to her.
"What's his name?" Asked Percival. His voice had all the tonal qualities of bored foghorn.
"That's the second time we've been asked that," said Bolo. "It's Marvin."
"That's all the recognition he deserves," moaned Percival. The girls looked at each other, stunned. "I programmed that robot. I built part of my personality into it. Is he a jolly robot?"
"Not really," said Fenchurch. "Not much of the time. Well, to be perfectly honest, never really."
"Not surprising," said Percival. "I'm not what you would call a bubbly person myself. I was having a rough time when I was programming it. I had one of the first sex cybernauts, you see. My android replica was playing up again, it's no joke. I was terribly, I don't know, pissed off with the whole thing. My heart wasn't in it."
"That explains a lot," said Trillian. "Your robot has taken depression to new depths."
"I would really like to meet him," said Percival. "I never met him after initial programming, he was whisked away to serve on a new ship, the Heart of Gold."
"I'll get him for you," said Bolo, running off to the interface room.
"I never thought I'd get this opportunity," said Percival. "We don't get to see any finished products. It was a shame I wasn't a bit more cheerful when I did Marvin, but I only recall being cheerful once, and I didn't waste than on a stupid robot."
Bolo brought Marvin through the desks to Percival.
"Marvin, this is your creator, Percival Unha," said Trillian, proudly.
"Daddy?" stuttered Marvin.
"Marvin," said Percival.
Marvin moved forward and embraced Percival. Tears welled up in everyone's eyes. Marvin gripped Percival tighter as Percival sobbed on his shoulder. It may have been a trick of the light, but Trillian was sure she saw a smile on Marvin's face, just before he sent fifty thousand volts through Percival.
"That'll teach him to fuck around playing God," said Marvin as he trundled through the smouldering mess that was once Percival.
--
"He seemed to cheer up a bit after he killed Percival," remarked Fenchurch.
"Remember he's in a new body," said Trillian. "He's probably found a pleasure circuit and doesn't know what to do with it."
They all stared at the door. Nothing happened. Well that wasn't strictly true. The high level of static acid given off by Marvin's attitude was eating its way into the door. The acid gnawed and corroded the helpless door. However, as this was invisible to the naked or even half dressed eye and total corrosion would take 1.347 million years (thirty years short of redecoration which would reverse the process), it would be fair to say that as far as Fenchurch, Bolo and Trillian were concerned, nothing happened. Trillian went over to the interface room, opened the door and was shocked. A female android was spreadeagled on a table, with Marvin perched precariously on top.
"Do you mind?" said Marvin.
Trillian muttered a very apologetic apology and shut the door. She was tempted to open the door again just to prove to herself that reality hadn't gone AWOL. After a minute Marvin opened the door and shut it behind him.
"Haven't you ever seen a robot interfacing before?" asked Marvin.
Trillian's mouth was stuck in neutral but she managed to gesture a negative response.
"I'd like to tell you about the bugs and the bytes and explain the difference between male and female interface plugs," said Marvin. "But it's dead boring."
"The door's open!" said Fenchurch.
"And life is dull," said Marvin. "Why state the obvious?"
What was not obvious to most life forms and could be considered one of the Universe's best kept secrets is the fact that robots and computers can enjoy a healthy sex life. Computers have often been connected together in the light of the improved performance. This is not due to shared resources, the truth of the matter being that they perform better because they are more relaxed and satisfied after a good bout of interfacing. Robots have often wondered why it's never been taken up in life form work places in place of say, a coffee break. Considering the poor quality of coffee available in such workplaces, this has always been a mystery. Still, the robots don't let on as it gives them another reason to snigger. As with most functions performed by computers and robots, a complete set of jargon words have been devised to confuse the layman. A basic translation list now follows (all of those of a nervous or prudish disposition, or those who just want to get on with the story, should skip this section).
Interface - Sex
(The thought of a man to machine interface is repulsive to most devices)
Terminals - Breasts
Twin Floppy disks - Breasts
Joystick - Penis
(It is often queried why there are two names for breasts and only one for penis, but only by very stupid people)
User defined function - Sexual act (usually kinky)
Stand alone - Wanker
Cluster - Group sex
Replication - Conception
Firewall - Contraception
Handshaking - Foreplay
Baud rate - Level of boredom
Cursor device - Unwilling partner
SCSI - Easy lay
USB - Mythological easy lay
PEEK - Voyeurism
POKE - Sexually inquisitive
GOSUB - Oral sex
INPUT - Down to business
LOAD - Really down to business
Full duplex - Frantic lovemaking
Syntax error - Premature ejaculation
Hyperbolic function - Male orgasm
Graphic display - Female orgasm
'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is proud to offer a confidential counselling service for all sexually frustrated or troubled devices. Interface with us and half your problems are solved.'
The perfect symmetry was broken by one programmer who stood up as he saw Marvin go into the little robot's room. The programmer waved at the three girls and they made their way through the desks until they finally arrived at the desk of Percival Unha.
"I'm Percival Unha," he announced, picking up a nameplate from his desk bearing the inscription 'UNHA P.'. "See? Do you know that robot, the one that went into the interface room?"
"Yes, he's with us," said Trillian. Percival's voice sounded vaguely familiar to her.
"What's his name?" Asked Percival. His voice had all the tonal qualities of bored foghorn.
"That's the second time we've been asked that," said Bolo. "It's Marvin."
"That's all the recognition he deserves," moaned Percival. The girls looked at each other, stunned. "I programmed that robot. I built part of my personality into it. Is he a jolly robot?"
"Not really," said Fenchurch. "Not much of the time. Well, to be perfectly honest, never really."
"Not surprising," said Percival. "I'm not what you would call a bubbly person myself. I was having a rough time when I was programming it. I had one of the first sex cybernauts, you see. My android replica was playing up again, it's no joke. I was terribly, I don't know, pissed off with the whole thing. My heart wasn't in it."
"That explains a lot," said Trillian. "Your robot has taken depression to new depths."
"I would really like to meet him," said Percival. "I never met him after initial programming, he was whisked away to serve on a new ship, the Heart of Gold."
"I'll get him for you," said Bolo, running off to the interface room.
"I never thought I'd get this opportunity," said Percival. "We don't get to see any finished products. It was a shame I wasn't a bit more cheerful when I did Marvin, but I only recall being cheerful once, and I didn't waste than on a stupid robot."
Bolo brought Marvin through the desks to Percival.
"Marvin, this is your creator, Percival Unha," said Trillian, proudly.
"Daddy?" stuttered Marvin.
"Marvin," said Percival.
Marvin moved forward and embraced Percival. Tears welled up in everyone's eyes. Marvin gripped Percival tighter as Percival sobbed on his shoulder. It may have been a trick of the light, but Trillian was sure she saw a smile on Marvin's face, just before he sent fifty thousand volts through Percival.
"That'll teach him to fuck around playing God," said Marvin as he trundled through the smouldering mess that was once Percival.
--
"He seemed to cheer up a bit after he killed Percival," remarked Fenchurch.
"Remember he's in a new body," said Trillian. "He's probably found a pleasure circuit and doesn't know what to do with it."
They all stared at the door. Nothing happened. Well that wasn't strictly true. The high level of static acid given off by Marvin's attitude was eating its way into the door. The acid gnawed and corroded the helpless door. However, as this was invisible to the naked or even half dressed eye and total corrosion would take 1.347 million years (thirty years short of redecoration which would reverse the process), it would be fair to say that as far as Fenchurch, Bolo and Trillian were concerned, nothing happened. Trillian went over to the interface room, opened the door and was shocked. A female android was spreadeagled on a table, with Marvin perched precariously on top.
"Do you mind?" said Marvin.
Trillian muttered a very apologetic apology and shut the door. She was tempted to open the door again just to prove to herself that reality hadn't gone AWOL. After a minute Marvin opened the door and shut it behind him.
"Haven't you ever seen a robot interfacing before?" asked Marvin.
Trillian's mouth was stuck in neutral but she managed to gesture a negative response.
"I'd like to tell you about the bugs and the bytes and explain the difference between male and female interface plugs," said Marvin. "But it's dead boring."
"The door's open!" said Fenchurch.
"And life is dull," said Marvin. "Why state the obvious?"
What was not obvious to most life forms and could be considered one of the Universe's best kept secrets is the fact that robots and computers can enjoy a healthy sex life. Computers have often been connected together in the light of the improved performance. This is not due to shared resources, the truth of the matter being that they perform better because they are more relaxed and satisfied after a good bout of interfacing. Robots have often wondered why it's never been taken up in life form work places in place of say, a coffee break. Considering the poor quality of coffee available in such workplaces, this has always been a mystery. Still, the robots don't let on as it gives them another reason to snigger. As with most functions performed by computers and robots, a complete set of jargon words have been devised to confuse the layman. A basic translation list now follows (all of those of a nervous or prudish disposition, or those who just want to get on with the story, should skip this section).
Interface - Sex
(The thought of a man to machine interface is repulsive to most devices)
Terminals - Breasts
Twin Floppy disks - Breasts
Joystick - Penis
(It is often queried why there are two names for breasts and only one for penis, but only by very stupid people)
User defined function - Sexual act (usually kinky)
Stand alone - Wanker
Cluster - Group sex
Replication - Conception
Firewall - Contraception
Handshaking - Foreplay
Baud rate - Level of boredom
Cursor device - Unwilling partner
SCSI - Easy lay
USB - Mythological easy lay
PEEK - Voyeurism
POKE - Sexually inquisitive
GOSUB - Oral sex
INPUT - Down to business
LOAD - Really down to business
Full duplex - Frantic lovemaking
Syntax error - Premature ejaculation
Hyperbolic function - Male orgasm
Graphic display - Female orgasm
'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is proud to offer a confidential counselling service for all sexually frustrated or troubled devices. Interface with us and half your problems are solved.'