This is the fifth part of Master Plan. The first part can be found
here. If you just want a quick brush up, the fourth part can be found
here.
Title: Master Plan: Stage One: Operation Fifth Date
Rating: R for language
Pairing: pre-Kav/Lorne
Disclaimer: SGA belongs to SciFi; Winnie the Pooh belongs to A.A. Milne; Corpse Bride belongs to Tim Burton amongst others.
Summary: Kavanagh and Lorne's fifth date is interrupted by an insane little problem.
Definition: Gesticulate meaning to wave one's hands about wildly.
On the fifth date, Lorne decided to make their relationship public. Well, as public as you could get when you were a member of the US military in a homosexual relationship with the most hated man in all of Atlantis.
Tonight, Lorne was going to take Kavanagh to the weekly movie night. A lot of people went to the movie together without it meaning anything, but a lot of people meant something by it. And Lorne meant something with Kavanagh.
He shut down his laptop and prepared to leave the closet that acted as his office when his headset clicked.
“Lorne.”
“Evenin’, sir,” Beau drawled. “I’m up here in the control room and there’s some sorta blip out near where you are. You mind checking it for us, sir?”
“What kind of blip, corporal?” Lorne asked, setting his laptop on the desk and checking his holster.
“The mechanical kind, sir.”
“I have a thing in about twenty minutes, Beau,” Lorne replied. “Can I deal with it before my thing starts?”
“You should, sir,” Beau responded. He sounded slightly amused as he said it.
“You’re still on probation, corporal. I just want you to remember that.” Lorne stepped out of his closet office and followed Beau’s careful directions.
The blip turned out to be a burned out light bulb. Lorne thought at it for a while and it did some odd spinning thing that caused the bulb to be as good as new. Deciding he didn’t want to know what he had done, the major keyed his headset.
“Okay, Beau, that should’ve stopped your blip.”
“Yessir, that was it.” Lorne started headed back through the newly illuminated hallway toward the transporter. “And good news, you can make your movie.”
“Beau, with all due respect, what the hell’s the matter with you?” Lorne asked.
“You’re lucky I’m Southerner or I’d take offense at that, sir. And I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m off now so TTFN.”
“What?”
“TTFN: Ta Ta For Now. Did you never watch Pooh when you were younger?” Beau asked.
“I just don’t feel the need to use terms for cartoons as a grown adult.” Lorne stepped into the transporter and hit the screen.
“Maybe you should. I bet your date would like it.”
“Beau, did you ever look into psychiatric treatment?”
“I’m working on it, sir,” the Cajun replied. “Since you’re there, I’m gonna sign off now. Have a nice night, sir.” The headset clicked off and Lorne looked at the battered number of the door in front of him.
“That’s creepy, Beau,” he said to no one. Quickly, he ran a hand through his hair and patted down his clothes. “I can do this,” Lorne muttered softly. He reached out and knocked on the door, almost immediately panicking.
Fortunately, Kavanagh opened the door before the Airman could get too far gone. “Major.”
“Doc. How are things?” Lorne asked, trying to act like he wasn’t freaking out a moment ago.
“Well.” He paused. “Better.” Lorne gave him a look. “Okay.” Lorne rolled his eyes at Kavanagh. “Today sucked.”
“McKay?” Lorne asked as they headed toward the transporter.
“When is it not?” Kavanagh sighed. “I work very hard to do things the way I like them to be done. I know I’m a perfectionist; I know that he doesn’t like me. I get this! But yelling at me, because I’m taking too long to complete the power consumption reports? That’s unacceptable behaviour from the CSA!”
Lorne just let his scientist’s rant wash over him. He basked in the way Kavanagh called McKay names while bringing up legitimate concerns and the way his eyes lit up when he was angry. Lorne wanted nothing more than to snatch the scientist’s gesticulating hand out of the air, wind his fingers in it, and kiss him like Lorne was a drowning man and Kavanagh was the last person with oxygen in the universe.
The Airman was on the verge of reaching for the hand when they arrived outside the Multipurpose Room. “What are we going to see anyway?” Kavanagh asked.
“Corpse Bride,” Lorne replied. “I love this movie.”
“Never seen it. Is it scary?”
Lorne laughed as they entered. “No. It’s a love story. A sad love story, but a love story nonetheless.”
Kavanagh was enjoying the movie, but Lorne was far more interested in the scientist. He glanced at the screen and realised that Victor was getting ready to meet Victoria for the first time. That would be the perfect moment to put his arm around Kavanagh.
The moment was right.
Lorne began to stretch. His arm was inches away from resting around Kavanagh’s shoulders.
His headset clicked..
Lorne rolled his eyes and brought his hands back to himself before keying his headset.
“Maj. Lorne, this is Sgt. Davis. We have a small problem.”
“Excuse me,” Lorne said to Kavanagh with a smile before leaving the room. “You’re who?” he asked when he was in the corridor.
“Sgt. Davis.” Lorne began to mentally run through his men and kept coming up blank. “Chuck the Control Room guy.”
“Oh! That Sgt. Davis. All I could think of was the guy in the SGC’s control room,” Lorne replied.
“My brother, Walter. Um, I know you’re off duty, but we have a small problem and you’re head of security so it’s your job to deal with it,” Chuck said.
“I thought Walter was American.”
“Nope. He moved to America and joined the Air Force,” Chuck replied. Lorne hit the button on the transporter.
“I thought you had to be American to be in the Air Force.”
“No! You don’t even have to be a citizen. In fact, joining the military doesn’t even make you an American citizen anymore.”
“You’re kidding me!” Lorne replied as he stepped out of the transporter and hurried toward the Gatrium. “So people die for a country that they aren’t citizens of?”
“Some people are crazy,” Chuck said as he turned toward the man entering the room. “Since you’re the head of security this falls in your jurisdiction.”
“Nothing good ever starts with that,” Lorne mentioned, climbing the stairs.
“This is a good example of that.” Chuck motioned toward something on the screen. “The green dots are the night patrols.”
“Which one is Beau?”
“The one that’s bouncing around like it’s insane.”
“You’re not letting them move around?” Lorne asked.
“I was getting to that. See the red dots?” Lorne nodded. “We don’t know what they are, but they’re not human.”
“Shit. Who’s on Ready Room duty?”
Chuck pulled it up on his computer. “Looks like it’s Stackhouse’s team.” Lorne quickly figured out who was on that team and how many there were.
He keyed his radio. “Sgt. Stackhouse, this is Major Lorne. I’m coming to you and then we’re going hunting.”
“Yes, sir.” That was what Lorne loved about Stackhouse; no stupid questions just a simple ‘yes, sir’ and the belief that he would explain it all when he got there.
“Thanks, Chuck.” Lorne was gone before the technician even realised it.
Stackhouse’s men were ready when Lorne reached the Ready Room. Lorne nodded at the men before pulling Stackhouse aside.
“Sergeant.” He held up the LSD. “See the red dots?” Stackhouse nodded his ascent. “Well, they’re not human and we need to find them and determine if they’re a threat.”
“Wraith?”
“Probably not. Teyla would’ve noticed before now.”
Stackhouse nodded and gathered his men. “There’s something in Atlantis. Our job is to find them and determine if they are a threat. Whatever they are, it isn’t Wraith so you can stow that talk right now. Let’s go!”
They decided to attack the dot furthest from the control hub first. That way if the blips were a threat, other teams could be quickly dispatched to deal with the others.
It was just Lorne’s luck that the first red dot was in one of the lower areas that still hadn’t been properly explored. He stepped out of the transporter into knee-high water.
“Dammit. Watch your step, gentlemen.” Stackhouse and his team sloshed out into the water after the major. “Why the hell is Beau all the way out here anyway?”
“Sir, there’s another green blip with Beau so...”
Lorne rolled his eyes. It would be just like Beau to bring a date to the worst part of Atlantis. Keeping one eye on the LSD and the other on his surroundings, Maj. Lorne began to move toward the green dots.
“Fan out, men,” he called. “We’re going to grab Beau and his friend first and see if they saw anything. Then, we’ll go after the red specks.” The men did as he ordered.
The water was only knee-high and luke warm; debris floated in it, but they were mostly small pieces easily moved out of the way. The real problem was that wet trousers tend to stick to skin and it was discomforting.
Lorne rounded the corner and came face to face with the room that was housing Cpl. LeBeau and his friend. The major’s mouth dropped open and he sagged back a bit. As he stared in horror, he wondered how much therapy it would take for him to stop having nightmares.
“Beau, where the hell are your pants?”
The semi-nude soldier looked up from his perch on an Ancient console. Showing no shame, he replied, “Honestly?”
“Yes, honestly.”
“They were eaten.”
“Your pants were eaten,” Lorne repeated. He wondered if this was what being crazy felt like.
“By bats.”
“Your pants were eaten by bats?”
“Actually,” a hidden voice replied, “I don’t believe they were bats. More likely, bat-like mammals.” Lorne tried to place the French Canadian accent with a scientist.
“Dr. Parrish?” he asked.
“Oui,” the hidden man replied.
“Are you hiding?” Lorne asked.
“Oui, mon major.” The air man took it stoically.
“Why?”
“Because my pants were also eaten,” Parrish said sheepishly as he stood up behind the console.
“Both of you had your pants eaten by bat-like things?” The two men nodded. “I’m going to have nightmares for the rest of my life.” Dragging a hand through his hair, Lorne turned away from the weird tableau behind him. “Why are you down here anyway?”
“There are some kind--” Beau started but Parrish immediately interrupted.
“The algae that grows in the water down here is fascinating. Not only is it phosphorescent; it appears to use a self-sustaining photosynthesis.” Lorne pondered this for a moment.
“The algae feeds itself by glowing?”
“Oui!”
“Okay. That is kind of cool.” Stackhouse suddenly appeared out of the shadows and Lorne turned toward him.
“Sir, we’ve found the red blips.”
“What are they?” Lorne asked as he followed the other man.
“They look like bats but...” Stackhouse trailed off. “Well, you’d have to see it to believe me.”
“They’re trying to eat someone’s pants?” Lorne asked.
“Last I checked, they’d succeeded.”
“Who’s pantsless?” Lorne asked with a sigh.
“Cadman.”
“Why am I not surprised?” Lorne heard a noise behind him and spun around to see Beau. “What are you doing, corporal?”
The Cajun walked past his superiors, holding a P-90. “Avenging my pants, sir.” Stackhouse and Lorne shared a look.
“Where is your jacket, Beau?” Stackhouse asked. The answer appeared around the corner, surrounding Dr. Parrish’s waist.
“Jacket-skirt. It’s a nice look on you, Dave,” Lorne said with a smirk. The botanist muttered something in French and continued on.
Stackhouse and Lorne turned toward each other and burst out laughing. It was so absurd they had to laugh.
And then the bat came around the corner.
Massive, purple, and insanely fast, it swooped down, grabbed Stackhouse’s hat, and flew off.
"Holy shit!”
“That wasn’t a bat! It was a fucking pterodactyl!”
“Get it!” was the battle cry heard moments before the others came charging through, lead by Beau and Cadman.
“Come back here, you bastard! Those were the only pants that made my butt look good!” Beau yelled as he knocked Lorne into a wall. Most of the rest of the team was missing patches of clothing. Stackhouse stared in fascination for a moment before charging off with them. Lorne managed to struggle to his feet just as Parrish came running by.
“You know, if you take the jacket-skirt off, you could run better.” The botanist panted out something in French and kept on running. Lorne sighed and took off after them.
It took two hours, two ‘Gate teams, Search and Rescue, Ronon, and a handful of Wraith stunners to get the bat-pterodactyls off Atlantis.
Major Lorne stumbled out of the transporter nearest Kavanagh’s quarters and sagged against the wall. Tired, sore, wet, and partially nude as he was, Lorne was determined to apologise to Kavanagh before he went to bed.
The door chimed before he even got there; obviously, Atlantis herself was pitying him. Kavanagh was at the door almost immediately. Wearing only pyjama pants and glasses, his hair was flowing freely down his shoulders.
“Did I wake you?” Lorne asked.
“What the fuck happened to you?” Kavanagh replied, taking a step back to let the other man in.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” the airman responded as he shuffled in. Kavanagh nodded and closed the door.
“Left foot.” Lorne obeyed and the scientist pulled off his boot and sock. “Other foot.” It was in this manner that Kavanagh soon had Lorne stripped down to his boxers. “At least those are acceptable.”
Lorne nodded mutely and slipped into slumber.
Barely catching him in time, Kavanagh gave him a fond smile as he wrestled the sleeping man into bed. He reached out to stroke Lorne’s hair but stopped himself in time. Kavanagh walked around the bed and lay down on top of the covers.
END STAGE ONE
Master Plan: Stage Two