"Simian Stresses" PG, SGA, Gen
So I'm studying for my GRE and in the process, I've signed up for a word-a-day email thing. I figured the best way to learn these words was to use them in fic!
Title: Simian Stresses
Rating: PG
Pairing: possible Lorne/Kavanagh pre'ship; definite unrequited Monkey love toward Kav;
Warnings: crack; did I mention unrequited Monkey love?
Summary: "The people of M8X-117 have turned Maj. Lorne into a monkey?"
Definition: "Prosaic, meaning 'dull or ordinary.'"
In hindsight, it should've been obvious. Monday dawned bright and beautiful after two prosaic weeks. It shouldn't have been odd. There were often stretches when things didn't happen on Atlantis. But nothing had happened anywhere. No off world missions had been attacked; no one had seen the Wraith; there had been no explosions or anything that would've been out of the ordinary anywhere else.
So when the tribes people of M8X-117 turned Lorne into a monkey, it came almost as a relief.
“Why the hell is there a monkey in my lab?” Kavanagh shrieked. “Get that damn primate off the damn lab table! This is not a zoo! Have all of you idiots forgotten proper lab procedures?”
“But Dr. Kavanagh--”
“'But Dr. Kavanagh' what? Do we need another lesson in how to act in a lab?” he asked.
“But Dr. Kavanagh, he's Maj. Lorne.”
The tall man stopped and turned to face the lab assistant. “The monkey is who?”
“Major Lorne, sir. I-I don't know his first name.” Which was coincidental considering Kavanagh didn't know the assistant's name.
“If you're lying to me...”
“I swear, sir, that I'm not.” Kavanagh glared at the man and walked over to the ape. It made an odd noise and climbed up to throw its arms around Kavanagh's shoulders.
“It's Maj. Lorne all right.” He petted the monkey awkwardly on the head and it climbed up to sit on him as if the smelly beast was a young child. “How did this happen?” The monkey made an “ook” noise and started trying to remove the hair tie from Kavanagh's hair.
“The indigenous people of M8X-117 did--”
“How?” Kavanagh interrupted.
“We don't know, sir,” the assistant said, flinching.
“Who are they sending to the planet?” he asked, batting the simian hand away from his head.
“Um...I think it's Sgt. Stackhouse's team.”
Kavanagh nodded before slapping the monkey's hand again. “Stop that! Why do you have a problem with my hair being tied up? I like it, therefore you will deal with it, monkey brain!” He stared at the monkey. “You know what I mean.”
Twenty minutes later, Kavanagh with Maj. Monkey stood before the 'Gate. Stackhouse went around and pressed his forehead to the forehead of the team members. He finally walked up to Kavanagh.
“If you do that damn Athosian--” Kavanagh stopped when the Marine pressed his forehead against the monkey's.
“Sorry, Doc,” he said as he straightened up. “It's tradition.” Next thing, the scientist knew the sergeant had his forehead pressed against his.
“Alright, gentlemen!” Stackhouse yelled as he pulled himself away from the scientist. “Let's go get our major back! No offense, sir.” He tipped his hat at the monkey and headed through the wormhole.
“I never thought I'd agree with a grunt,” Kavanagh muttered as he followed.
The village closest to the 'Gate on M8X-117 was beautiful. It looked like something from a travel show about Polynesia. Kavanagh adjusted the monkey resting on his hip, batted his hand away from his hair tie, and followed the grunts into the village. And stopped short at what he saw.
“Hey, guys. I thought you weren't supposed to come back 'til Friday.”
“Lorne!” Kavanagh shrieked gleefully. “What the hell are you doing, you son of a bitch? Thought you'd take some time off to play with the natives in the sun while we all worried sick about you?”
“Uh, Doc, this was agreed upon by my team,” Lorne said, pulling himself up to a sitting position. The gorgeous, scantily clad men and women that were sitting around him sighed a bit. “It's a sort of cultural exchange and I figured since nothing was happening on Atlantis...”
“Sir, your team thought you had been turned into a monkey,” Stackhouse said. “In fact, we all thought you were the monkey trying to pull down Dr. Kavanagh's hair.” The scientist slapped the simian hand.
“Stop that!” he told it. He turned to face Lorne. “You've not been turned into a monkey?” Lorne patted himself down.
“Not that I've seen.”
The angry scientist strode toward him, thrusting the monkey toward him. “Then you can be the monkeysitter.”
“Uh, sir,” Stackhouse said. “As befitting a punishment as that is, I think Weir wants Lorne back.” Kavanagh huffed as Lorne stood up and handed the monkey to one of the villagers.
“I have to go,” he said. It was obscene how disappointed they looked as the group walked back toward the 'Gate. “You know, Stack, I think we should just let everybody think I was actually turned into a monkey.” He bumped his shoulder against Kavanagh's who pulled back. “It'll be fun, right, Doc?”
“Hilarious. I really enjoy being made fun of.”
“At least, you didn't let the monkey pull your hair down,” Lorne said, reaching for the hair tie. Kavanagh slapped his hand away.
“And you wonder why it was so easy for all of us to believe you'd been turned into a primate?”
Well, at least, abysmal_seraph finally got her harem.
Title: Simian Stresses
Rating: PG
Pairing: possible Lorne/Kavanagh pre'ship; definite unrequited Monkey love toward Kav;
Warnings: crack; did I mention unrequited Monkey love?
Summary: "The people of M8X-117 have turned Maj. Lorne into a monkey?"
Definition: "Prosaic, meaning 'dull or ordinary.'"
In hindsight, it should've been obvious. Monday dawned bright and beautiful after two prosaic weeks. It shouldn't have been odd. There were often stretches when things didn't happen on Atlantis. But nothing had happened anywhere. No off world missions had been attacked; no one had seen the Wraith; there had been no explosions or anything that would've been out of the ordinary anywhere else.
So when the tribes people of M8X-117 turned Lorne into a monkey, it came almost as a relief.
“Why the hell is there a monkey in my lab?” Kavanagh shrieked. “Get that damn primate off the damn lab table! This is not a zoo! Have all of you idiots forgotten proper lab procedures?”
“But Dr. Kavanagh--”
“'But Dr. Kavanagh' what? Do we need another lesson in how to act in a lab?” he asked.
“But Dr. Kavanagh, he's Maj. Lorne.”
The tall man stopped and turned to face the lab assistant. “The monkey is who?”
“Major Lorne, sir. I-I don't know his first name.” Which was coincidental considering Kavanagh didn't know the assistant's name.
“If you're lying to me...”
“I swear, sir, that I'm not.” Kavanagh glared at the man and walked over to the ape. It made an odd noise and climbed up to throw its arms around Kavanagh's shoulders.
“It's Maj. Lorne all right.” He petted the monkey awkwardly on the head and it climbed up to sit on him as if the smelly beast was a young child. “How did this happen?” The monkey made an “ook” noise and started trying to remove the hair tie from Kavanagh's hair.
“The indigenous people of M8X-117 did--”
“How?” Kavanagh interrupted.
“We don't know, sir,” the assistant said, flinching.
“Who are they sending to the planet?” he asked, batting the simian hand away from his head.
“Um...I think it's Sgt. Stackhouse's team.”
Kavanagh nodded before slapping the monkey's hand again. “Stop that! Why do you have a problem with my hair being tied up? I like it, therefore you will deal with it, monkey brain!” He stared at the monkey. “You know what I mean.”
Twenty minutes later, Kavanagh with Maj. Monkey stood before the 'Gate. Stackhouse went around and pressed his forehead to the forehead of the team members. He finally walked up to Kavanagh.
“If you do that damn Athosian--” Kavanagh stopped when the Marine pressed his forehead against the monkey's.
“Sorry, Doc,” he said as he straightened up. “It's tradition.” Next thing, the scientist knew the sergeant had his forehead pressed against his.
“Alright, gentlemen!” Stackhouse yelled as he pulled himself away from the scientist. “Let's go get our major back! No offense, sir.” He tipped his hat at the monkey and headed through the wormhole.
“I never thought I'd agree with a grunt,” Kavanagh muttered as he followed.
The village closest to the 'Gate on M8X-117 was beautiful. It looked like something from a travel show about Polynesia. Kavanagh adjusted the monkey resting on his hip, batted his hand away from his hair tie, and followed the grunts into the village. And stopped short at what he saw.
“Hey, guys. I thought you weren't supposed to come back 'til Friday.”
“Lorne!” Kavanagh shrieked gleefully. “What the hell are you doing, you son of a bitch? Thought you'd take some time off to play with the natives in the sun while we all worried sick about you?”
“Uh, Doc, this was agreed upon by my team,” Lorne said, pulling himself up to a sitting position. The gorgeous, scantily clad men and women that were sitting around him sighed a bit. “It's a sort of cultural exchange and I figured since nothing was happening on Atlantis...”
“Sir, your team thought you had been turned into a monkey,” Stackhouse said. “In fact, we all thought you were the monkey trying to pull down Dr. Kavanagh's hair.” The scientist slapped the simian hand.
“Stop that!” he told it. He turned to face Lorne. “You've not been turned into a monkey?” Lorne patted himself down.
“Not that I've seen.”
The angry scientist strode toward him, thrusting the monkey toward him. “Then you can be the monkeysitter.”
“Uh, sir,” Stackhouse said. “As befitting a punishment as that is, I think Weir wants Lorne back.” Kavanagh huffed as Lorne stood up and handed the monkey to one of the villagers.
“I have to go,” he said. It was obscene how disappointed they looked as the group walked back toward the 'Gate. “You know, Stack, I think we should just let everybody think I was actually turned into a monkey.” He bumped his shoulder against Kavanagh's who pulled back. “It'll be fun, right, Doc?”
“Hilarious. I really enjoy being made fun of.”
“At least, you didn't let the monkey pull your hair down,” Lorne said, reaching for the hair tie. Kavanagh slapped his hand away.
“And you wonder why it was so easy for all of us to believe you'd been turned into a primate?”
Well, at least, abysmal_seraph finally got her harem.