(no subject)
Ah.
I'm completely terrified.
I'm going to do veterinary. That has been finally decided, that is what is going to happen, that is what I will do, and I want to do it.
But... I don't think I can. I'm glad I took a year out, I like the way things have ended up, mostly, but I'm afraid now, I'm afraid of going to college, of long hours of study and tests and work, I'm afraid of how I get when it comes to tests and study and work. I'm afraid of losing my freedom, and of losing Niall. I'm afraid I'm losing even more of the friends I've already lost. I'm afraid of losing the time I have to train and get fit and run. I'm afraid of quitting my job and not having enough money and scabbing off my parents and feeling guilty for 5 years. I'm afraid of not being able for the course, of the practical end of things, of the going-out-late-at-night-in-the-mud-and-the-rain thing that everyone cites at me as being the reason I won't be able for it. I'm afraid of not earning enough money later in life.
I hate it when I lose faith in myself.
And I also hate whining when I'm luckier than most. Damn perfectionism. It's a disease.
I'm completely terrified.
I'm going to do veterinary. That has been finally decided, that is what is going to happen, that is what I will do, and I want to do it.
But... I don't think I can. I'm glad I took a year out, I like the way things have ended up, mostly, but I'm afraid now, I'm afraid of going to college, of long hours of study and tests and work, I'm afraid of how I get when it comes to tests and study and work. I'm afraid of losing my freedom, and of losing Niall. I'm afraid I'm losing even more of the friends I've already lost. I'm afraid of losing the time I have to train and get fit and run. I'm afraid of quitting my job and not having enough money and scabbing off my parents and feeling guilty for 5 years. I'm afraid of not being able for the course, of the practical end of things, of the going-out-late-at-night-in-the-mud-and-the-rain thing that everyone cites at me as being the reason I won't be able for it. I'm afraid of not earning enough money later in life.
I hate it when I lose faith in myself.
And I also hate whining when I'm luckier than most. Damn perfectionism. It's a disease.