(no subject)
i'm losing myself here. but i'm also convinced i never really had myself either. i go through moments of, what i believe to be, clarity and then something happens that challenges that clear vision and everything goes gray again.
since i was 15/16years old, i was involved in some sort of romantic situation. i always had a boyfriend or, at the very least, a boy i was pinning after. i based my world around what this significant other may or may not like, what they would or would not do, and how i should or should not act. this isn't to say i was never my own person, because i was and i believe that i am, however i definitely questioned all these things about myself based on what i knew about the guy i was with at the time. constantly trying to appease someone else prevented me from ever establishing a genuine sense of what i want, what i would do, or how i want to act.
this is the first time in my life that i am living 100% on my own. financially and actually.
this is the first time in 6-7 years that i do not have one object of my affection. when you think about how these two facts play off one another, i think it becomes pretty clear that a small breakdown is emminent; and it's happened.
last weekend was a whirlwind. homecoming came and went before i could even realize it and, in the end, nothing turned out the way i thought it would. friday night's party came the closest to what i thought homecoming would be, but the rest of the night certainly wasn't. i had a good time, don't get me wrong, but on sunday evening, when i started to reflect on it all, i began to feel like a hot mess. this weekend gave me the opprotunity to rectifiy some of the poor decisions i had made the weekend before. in some ways, i did; in others, i certainly did not. and here i am again on a sunday night thinking, "Jillian Marie, what are you doing?"
i'm struggling right now to find my identity outside of so-and-so's girlfriend. i'm trying to figure out how to be alone when i'm home. i'm deciding what it is that is most important to me and what i want to be able to say that i know for a fact i am. i'm beginning to realize that it's not just a problem to have had a significant other for 7 years because i was young and should have been enjoying my youth, but it's a serious issue because during those years i should have been growing and defining my identity. although i grew and defined it was always squealched in some way by the daunting presence of another person to please and appease. now, i'm looking for a gauge, but i have no one and nothing but my heart and my head. and it's so freaking hard.
breaking up with kevin was one of the most difficult things i've ever had to do. all of the pictures in my apartment would lead everyone to believe that we are still dating, and up until now, i didn't really see a big issue with it; i've been incredibly busy (i know it sounds cheap, but it's true) and simply havent gotten around to it. but tonight, i realized it's something else. those pictures represent the most healthy, rewarding, and loving relationship i've been in up until this point in my life. to me, our relationship was absolutely idea and in a sense, picture perfect. i can honestly say that it is a sincer worry of mine that i will not find that same kind of love again, and at the end of the day, i think that is the reason i haven't taken the pictures down. it's clear now that i'm afraid to change them because it means the best thing i had, the one thing i put my heart and soul into for 2 years, is over. i legitimally believe that i am in denial and for that reason, with tears in my eyes, i'm changing the pictures once and for all. keeping the reminder of our relationship around will never allow me to move forward. and i need to.
all in all, a lot of self reconstruction needs to take place here. i'm nostalgic for times i felt that i knew who jillian was through-and-through. i'm missing my family and friends from home tremendously. this new, exciting, independent life that i've been living for the past few months with nothing but enthusiasm is starting to wear on me and i'm hoping that i can get it together soon.
since i was 15/16years old, i was involved in some sort of romantic situation. i always had a boyfriend or, at the very least, a boy i was pinning after. i based my world around what this significant other may or may not like, what they would or would not do, and how i should or should not act. this isn't to say i was never my own person, because i was and i believe that i am, however i definitely questioned all these things about myself based on what i knew about the guy i was with at the time. constantly trying to appease someone else prevented me from ever establishing a genuine sense of what i want, what i would do, or how i want to act.
this is the first time in my life that i am living 100% on my own. financially and actually.
this is the first time in 6-7 years that i do not have one object of my affection. when you think about how these two facts play off one another, i think it becomes pretty clear that a small breakdown is emminent; and it's happened.
last weekend was a whirlwind. homecoming came and went before i could even realize it and, in the end, nothing turned out the way i thought it would. friday night's party came the closest to what i thought homecoming would be, but the rest of the night certainly wasn't. i had a good time, don't get me wrong, but on sunday evening, when i started to reflect on it all, i began to feel like a hot mess. this weekend gave me the opprotunity to rectifiy some of the poor decisions i had made the weekend before. in some ways, i did; in others, i certainly did not. and here i am again on a sunday night thinking, "Jillian Marie, what are you doing?"
i'm struggling right now to find my identity outside of so-and-so's girlfriend. i'm trying to figure out how to be alone when i'm home. i'm deciding what it is that is most important to me and what i want to be able to say that i know for a fact i am. i'm beginning to realize that it's not just a problem to have had a significant other for 7 years because i was young and should have been enjoying my youth, but it's a serious issue because during those years i should have been growing and defining my identity. although i grew and defined it was always squealched in some way by the daunting presence of another person to please and appease. now, i'm looking for a gauge, but i have no one and nothing but my heart and my head. and it's so freaking hard.
breaking up with kevin was one of the most difficult things i've ever had to do. all of the pictures in my apartment would lead everyone to believe that we are still dating, and up until now, i didn't really see a big issue with it; i've been incredibly busy (i know it sounds cheap, but it's true) and simply havent gotten around to it. but tonight, i realized it's something else. those pictures represent the most healthy, rewarding, and loving relationship i've been in up until this point in my life. to me, our relationship was absolutely idea and in a sense, picture perfect. i can honestly say that it is a sincer worry of mine that i will not find that same kind of love again, and at the end of the day, i think that is the reason i haven't taken the pictures down. it's clear now that i'm afraid to change them because it means the best thing i had, the one thing i put my heart and soul into for 2 years, is over. i legitimally believe that i am in denial and for that reason, with tears in my eyes, i'm changing the pictures once and for all. keeping the reminder of our relationship around will never allow me to move forward. and i need to.
all in all, a lot of self reconstruction needs to take place here. i'm nostalgic for times i felt that i knew who jillian was through-and-through. i'm missing my family and friends from home tremendously. this new, exciting, independent life that i've been living for the past few months with nothing but enthusiasm is starting to wear on me and i'm hoping that i can get it together soon.