like i said
two weeks ago i had this sudden urge to listen to Paul Simon. i couldnt find the cd. i remembered a song they played at the whale flipping shows at miami seaquarium. i just remembered the part where the guy said "im such a baby yeah the dolphins make me cry." i asked my dad about it and he said it was by hootie and the blowfish so i listened to that cd more then some and cried someit reminded me of before my dad was really sick and bonnie and brittany lived with us and we used to drive there in his lincoln playing that song, all 5 of us, with the windows and the sun roof open really loud. and i look back on that part of my life and usually what comes to mind is the dysfunction and my not being okay. i think then we all werent okay-what does okay mean anyways? sometimes i think when ppl ask that all they mean is r u going to live- my dad really blames me a lot for things not working out. he tries to act like that's not true with his little "we all did our part speeches", but he does. that's where a lot of my problems with him stem from. that resentment he has for me. which i dont think is deserved. i wasnt and am not a manipulative, ill-intentioned person. i was just a kid who was really blah and i did things, fine but its immature of him to blame me for something like that. and even now, i still am a kid im just a little taller and i've gained some circumspect. but there were times when i was really happy, when we all were. anyway, this is turning into some lame-ass corney post that id probably roll my eyes or cry if i read depending on my mood but that song reminded me that even when i was really not okay i was still okay, and im still here. and there was goodeven when there was really bad. and after the really bad theres always going to be good again. sometimes i dont see that. my dad came into my room and asked if i had to play that cd so many times and in not so many words i explained why i was and he just started crying. he said it reminded him of something totally different. when he first got divorced from my mom and he was diagnosed with MS and his life was pretty much falling apart, he said he used to listen to that cd in his car, driving around. and he said that from whenbonnie and brittany lived with us, its like the opposite for him, like he only remembers the good times. its weird how the same set of events affect/register with different ppl. its weird how hearing certain music can bring you right back to where you were.
not to totally switch gears or anything but
like a week ago was Ali's movie night. which was totally amazing. sooo glad i went. driving there was even fun. there was a really pretty sunset and the lights from the cars and the roads below us were pretty too. sort of a lot of ppl were there. most i knew if only vaguely. ali picked a really shit movie though. like wow. the only movie that ive seen that was worse was undercover brother. it was supposed to be scary but failed miserably, and ive seen more developed plots on half hour episodes of Are You Afraid Of The Dark. but anyway, after that shit movie we all went out onto her golf course and walked around..and talked..and stripped..not totally though..but its more fun to leave that part out if you're telling someone the story. RJ went all out though. there was this like..big white blotch running ahead in front of us. he gets props. later we went in the pool. which was really cold. and after that we put makeup on JJ. THATs right, Mr. ImgoingtowearaMetallicashirttoaStraylightRun concert had makeup on. after that we took funny pictures. oh alis new prospect asked if i had cancer. she came out laughing with her arms open walking towards me "like nikki i love u billy just asked me if u had cancer snickersnicker" and he was sort of waiting back with this horrified/embarassed look on his face. i felt a little bad. i felt like laughing too. i laughed a lot. anyway, we couldnt sleep over but ali should do that again we got mcdonalds on the way home elanas mean to her dad.
other stuff happened but yeah im done not that im tired. bcuz im not. im probably going to go take the shit offmy bed and pretend to organize while i really mostly watch tv
not to totally switch gears or anything but
like a week ago was Ali's movie night. which was totally amazing. sooo glad i went. driving there was even fun. there was a really pretty sunset and the lights from the cars and the roads below us were pretty too. sort of a lot of ppl were there. most i knew if only vaguely. ali picked a really shit movie though. like wow. the only movie that ive seen that was worse was undercover brother. it was supposed to be scary but failed miserably, and ive seen more developed plots on half hour episodes of Are You Afraid Of The Dark. but anyway, after that shit movie we all went out onto her golf course and walked around..and talked..and stripped..not totally though..but its more fun to leave that part out if you're telling someone the story. RJ went all out though. there was this like..big white blotch running ahead in front of us. he gets props. later we went in the pool. which was really cold. and after that we put makeup on JJ. THATs right, Mr. ImgoingtowearaMetallicashirttoaStraylightRun concert had makeup on. after that we took funny pictures. oh alis new prospect asked if i had cancer. she came out laughing with her arms open walking towards me "like nikki i love u billy just asked me if u had cancer snickersnicker" and he was sort of waiting back with this horrified/embarassed look on his face. i felt a little bad. i felt like laughing too. i laughed a lot. anyway, we couldnt sleep over but ali should do that again we got mcdonalds on the way home elanas mean to her dad.
other stuff happened but yeah im done not that im tired. bcuz im not. im probably going to go take the shit offmy bed and pretend to organize while i really mostly watch tv