(no subject)
hi, my name is amie and i'm a sexual abuse survivor. i hate that term but it is true when u break it down. it was my 13th bday when it first happened. i was waiting in my (ex) brother-in-law's apt so the rest of my family could decorate for my party. as we were waiting he started to tickle me. we did this sort of stuff b/c i had known him since i was 3 and he felt like a brother to me. the tickling turned into wrestling and soon i was under him. he started to grind up against me. i was so confused. i knew what he was doing but i didnt think he did. it didnt go any further but i knew what happened shouldnt have. i didnt say anything b/c i didnt think it would happen again and i didnt want to make anyone mad. slowly over 3 years he got braver. i never told because all i could think about was how upset my mom and sister would be. when i was 16 i was definitely old enough to know what to do. but this wasnt some stranger. i started to become upset when we were around other family. my mom just thought it was pms or being a teenager. he started to become more aggressive and i would try to fight him. i punched his back and said no. he never raped me in the way people think of rape. he molested me while my sister slept in the other room. sometimes my nephew(who was a toddler)would see and think we were playing the "tickling game." i know it would have been over if i just screamed but the idea of my sister seeing me like that was enough to keep my quiet. sometimes i cried after and sometimes i felt dead. when my family went to KY to visit my grandma he snuck into my room. he laid next to me and i pretended to still be asleep. when he put his hand on my thigh i told him no and said he was disgusting. he left but the abuse didnt stop. needless to say i began to lash out in other ways. those were my most depressing years. he pushed me over and called me a brat b/c i wouldnt move. he always initiated it by "wrestling." i felt ashamed dirty and even more confused than when i was 13. people who are abused feel ashamed for ever admitting that it felt good. well before its violent it does and no one can help that. u know its wrong and u dont want it to happen. finally one night i broke down after he left for work. i felt so disgusted and hurt. i told a friend but she wanted me to go t the police. i couldnt i wasnt ready to tell my family so she pretty much abandoned me. i never meant for anyone else to find out. i thought i could wait until i got away to college before getting help. it was one day that my mom caught on to my attitude w/ him and finally asked me if he had touched me. i just started crying. even then i didnt want anyone to know i didnt feel relieved. i never took him to court b/c that would hurt my sister. she told me once to forgive her if she couldnt leave him. that hurt the worst. she did leave him eventually but i still see his picture all the time and my nephew still sees him. my family never talks about it and i think my sister doesnt really believe everything that happened. i act like it doesnt hurt or like it didnt even phase me. i still have problems w/ being ina n intimate situation. its easy not to care about ur body. to hurt it for betraying u. i have healed alot but obviously it still haunts me. this all came to me at once so its a lil scrambled. i want others to know they are not alone.