(no subject)
So, i'm quite the emotional woman these days. I would actually consider taking some sort of pils to make myself chill out. My highs are so high, but my lows are so low, and both are set off too easily. When i'm having my highs, i am adamantly against taking any kind of mind controlling drug, aside from recreationally in moderation. I always say that it's worth it because my highs are so good. I feel like i can be much happier than most people, and i have a lot more love to give. I always say i wouldn't trade that for anything, even if i do get lows. But as Rilo Kiley said "The lows are so extreem that the good seems fucking cheap" and it's during these times that i feel like i'd sacrifice the highs to not feel this way.
The problem is, i get stuck in a cycle. I get set off by something and feel horrible. I then realize that (most of the time) whatever is upsetting me is ridiculously trivial, and i get equally as upset that i'm being so stupid. I continue to do this, getting lower and lower until i hit rock bottom- all because of some minor comment or event.
It's pathetic as fuck, and i don't know how to fix myself. I hope this is just some stupid teenager thing that i'll grow out of. I thought i was more mature than this...
I want to call Tony. I need company, and a bottle. "I only really needed alcohol, Something that'll treat me okay". The only reason i'm not is because i have tons of work to do, and if i don't get it done then i'll just be even more upset later. As bad as this situation sounds, i'm actually glad i feel this way. It means i'm improving a lot in my self control, at least in the way of self medication. I should also note that i have my pipe back and some leftover weed, and i'm not smoking it. Go me. Swish!
A short list of things that are bothering me a lot more than they should:
- My decision to not persue college this year
- I have relationship paranoia- i sometimes convince myself that; Andy is getting sick of me, falsley thinks he loves me, is too concerned with sex, is getting tired of dealing with my lows, doesn't care for me as much as i do for him, is too okay with leaving me when we go off for college.
- The amount of work that i have (and am often not doing)
- How far behind i am in music
- The mother.
-i almost want to break it off with Andy before i fuck it up, and make it harder.
...
__________________________phone interruption____________________________
see now i'm fine. it takes so little to switch my emotions. It's not good. Damn it!
The problem is, i get stuck in a cycle. I get set off by something and feel horrible. I then realize that (most of the time) whatever is upsetting me is ridiculously trivial, and i get equally as upset that i'm being so stupid. I continue to do this, getting lower and lower until i hit rock bottom- all because of some minor comment or event.
It's pathetic as fuck, and i don't know how to fix myself. I hope this is just some stupid teenager thing that i'll grow out of. I thought i was more mature than this...
I want to call Tony. I need company, and a bottle. "I only really needed alcohol, Something that'll treat me okay". The only reason i'm not is because i have tons of work to do, and if i don't get it done then i'll just be even more upset later. As bad as this situation sounds, i'm actually glad i feel this way. It means i'm improving a lot in my self control, at least in the way of self medication. I should also note that i have my pipe back and some leftover weed, and i'm not smoking it. Go me. Swish!
A short list of things that are bothering me a lot more than they should:
- My decision to not persue college this year
- I have relationship paranoia- i sometimes convince myself that; Andy is getting sick of me, falsley thinks he loves me, is too concerned with sex, is getting tired of dealing with my lows, doesn't care for me as much as i do for him, is too okay with leaving me when we go off for college.
- The amount of work that i have (and am often not doing)
- How far behind i am in music
- The mother.
-i almost want to break it off with Andy before i fuck it up, and make it harder.
...
__________________________phone interruption____________________________
see now i'm fine. it takes so little to switch my emotions. It's not good. Damn it!