Time Takes A Cigarette

[plaidtuchpherd]

Ambulance men had to come into Fedex Kinkos to pick me up. Is it because of the cigarettes? Diagnosed "Maybe Menstrual Migrane; Moreover, Malnourished, But Basically Benign."

Then I had to walk home. I went to Longs and bought soap.

Rad hospital bracelet! HAY CAN I GET INTO FROGGYS WITH THIS

Comments

[plaidtuchpherd]

I misz you too!!!!!! My wrist is creepy sometimes from the side so I cover it up with bracelets. And now I have smoker's twitch >__< what's crazy is that in the hospital our dreams overlapped somewhat; i spent the whole time in a kind of haze, from the medicine they gave me and also because i had to try to make myself loony to avoid feeling the pain of the migrane and to keep from throwing up the pills they gave me. when i closed my eyes i had dreams where it was hideously bright outside and i was in plaster-walled rooms in toronto. i felt like i was way up high in a building but if I looked around there was no building i was just in midair in a kind of suspended cage. if i went down to earth it was all the way in west dundas and west queen, or i'd be up walking past the paradise kind of northwards. but in my dream i was dead and there was nobody in the streets and it was like i had died and was visiting the place i wanted to be. i walked past walmart and the church and the park on dufferin and it was totally empty. i was thinking that the difference between being dead and alive is that it takes no effort to move, you just float and you cant feel your body at all, there's no weight to it or mass to it, even though you know your shape is the same and that it exists astrally. and i was thinking i got to see this place one last time before i am in the blackness forever...the other difference is that when you're alive you never know anything for sure, you never know if something is the last time, the last word or sight or embrace or moment, you have to hold everything so tight or you're afraid that if you let go its lost forever, but when you're dead you know that its the final time and there comes a sense of completion and closure, but really its closure thats the saddest, knowing for sure something's gone from you, knowing for sure that you're dead. and i'm still alive because my heart's still beating but i'm dead inside, i don't have the cognizence of finality that exists after death, and i don't know when i can ever come back because i dont really know anything. once on maury povich there was a girl with a disease that she was born with, wherein by the time she was 11 she would die because her skeleton would slowly slide to the outside of her body, engulfing all the skin and brains and muscles. It was the strangest disease I had ever heard of. She was 8 and already she could not walk because her bones were outside of her legs. I feel like that a lot, like slowly the dead shell inside is eclipsing the flesh, supersceding it with fatal urgency and before I die I will never have a "last time" for anything. The last times already happened to me and when I close my eyes I have to wonder if they'll open again and have to breach my palpitations and override with apathy to keep me from sweating or crying about foolish things like loss. I want to go to the other side of the universe to see if anything really has dimension or is the moon paper thin as well and is the sky an inkwell spilt upon neurons and where does physics end.

I totally totally miss you.