"... I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for."
18 years of a father with anger problems who blamed it on everyone else, and never accepted any of it, or admitted to any self-faults. 18 years of a mother who was forced to carry the burden of family repsonsibilities and chores all on her own (with my bro and I helping, of course) but was passive agressive and never stood up for herself or anyone else - in fact she muted us when we were unfairly treated just to appease to our father. 18 years of a troublesome brother who bullied me, beat me up, told me to shut up when I couldn't take any of it anymore and spoke up for all of us, and myself. Three months with a Foster Family because I stood up for the whole family and Dad would'nt hear it, and still nothing changed.
Five years of living on my own since (and at times, other roommates), and I've been happy, and my parents are still having their problems, and my brother is still having his problems, and both of their problems are all of our problems, and we talk more, and love more, and try more - things are better between all of us though. We're more family, and less ferile.
I know we all have faults, I know we all have obsticles and get over things. I'm glad it all happened, simply because I think we may have learned a little from it. I feel I've learned a lot, if anything.
Almost two years in a job that sucks, but I love it. Much like my family. It sucks, but I love it - faults and all. I suck it up and step down and let things roll, because sometimes it's better to let things be. When people are treated misfairly, I'll talk to them about it to see how they feel about it.
Some time ago, the whole crew I was working with (all the hot bars) did an incredible job on a horribly busy day - every single crewmember I was working with was complimented by different guests for being quick and in good spirits - and we were so excited we praised eachother for kicking major booty. Our crew leader at the time saw it differently. She put herself on her own at the salad bar away from us all that time, and still came up to us at the end of the day to tell us how tired she was from doing all the work and how we were too busy talking and slacking to get anything done.
Disrespectful and unfair. If she were in the right, and we had been slacking, I wouldn't have said anything, in fact we all would've agreed with her. We hadn't had so much positive feedback in one night in a long time, so what she said had no barring and I was taken aback.
Instead of yelling like my father, instead of shutting up like my brother would've told me to, instead of huffing and sighing and complaining about The Crewleader later, I stepped up. I don't approach things in a confronting manner, because people put up defenses when you do that. I did, in a relaxed fashion, mention that every member was complimented by a different guest for being quick and chipper and we totally rocked the house - every one of them. She then put the crew down by mentioning that she didn't see that - we were slackers and she was forced to do all the work (when really she only worked the salad bar all that time).
We pre-closed at a decent rate that night, with some time to sit and take a breather before closing down all the bars. I sat down with everyone and bragged because I was really excited about what a great job we pulled off, and everyone joined in with their own bragging rights. It was mutually aknowledged that The Crewleader had been pretty unfair that night in how she treated everyone, and my feathers were pretty fluffed with pride in everyone, so I spoke up a little and congratulated us all, and told them that while we all see things differently from eachother and The Crewleader sometimes, I felt we were in the right, and shouldn't let someone be disrespectful to the whole crew like that, when it'd be more effective to be a leader and encourage, and cheer the crew on.
Later that night The Crewleader came up to me and brought up that she noticed I was upset. I started with, "We busted our butts and the bars were great - every single employee was complimented, and we were upbeat and still had time to talk as we went - with eachother and our guests - " and she cut me off, "You always get distracted with talking and the work gets ingnored... etc." she just wouldn't aknowledge the good job everyone did, and only held on to the bad habit EVERYONE falls into at times, even her - but that wasn't even the issue that night! I admitted we all can fall into talking at times, but that it was unfair for her to tell us we didn't do our jobs that night and she did it all (when it turned out she sat around instead of closing with us that night, and did a poor job on the salad bar leaving a large mess on the bakery counter), but she cut me off, and laughed thinking we were just having a 'disagreement'. I simply shut my mouth and walked away. The next day it was Forgive and Forget/Live and Let Live.
Every once in a while The Crewleader will nitpick and point me out as the slow one who's talking too much. I can do the salad bar like it's the back of my hand, so when I'm talking, I'm going going going going going. It's been mentioned to me by other employees that it annoys them that she picks on me like that, and takes everyone else's credit as though she's carrying the workload on her own. I've agreed, and have tried talking to her about it, but she's stubborn and does NOT want to hear it differently than she sees it. No one else has spoken up with her, except for management - and things haven't changed.
Tonight.
Tonight Jennifer pre-closed the salad area in the back perfectly, and I used a quicker-n-easier pre-close that Ashley taught me recently, so I was actually ahead of the Hot Bar closers (which is usually not the case!). As I was pulling the last of the food, and wrapping everything, Jake, who was off and clocked-out already, was having a serious conversation about something and I was talking with him while wrapping - I've closed the bar almost two years, it's a second nature now, I have the right to say so - and The Crewleader told Jake to stop talking to me because it was slowing me down, and I wouldn't get anything done with him bugging me. I stopped for a moment and looked up at her, "I'm actually well ahead of you guys for once, and I'm working while we're chatting - he's not slowing me down at all!" and she wouldn't hear it. Jake left me be while I kept closing. I wheeled my now full cart to the back cooler and came back to pull the metal divider-frames from the bar and was putting them next to the bar as usual, and The Crewleader then went off about how I was throwing things around with a bad additude, and I WAS in a bad mood, but I wasn't throwing anything - they're METAL, and metal things go "CLANG!" when you put them on a hard tile floor - and I wasn't sighing or saying ANYthing. I was already past my peak of anger, though.
When I was a kid and my dad was reeming me out for something I had nothing to do with, and Mom was sighing and telling dad to calm down (but left it at that), and I was about to stand up for myself (and the rest of the family, since I knew something unmentioned was bothering dad, and he wasn't addressing it but was taking it out on everyone instad of facing the issue), and my brother would tell me to shut up - it would all end with me being sent to my room with the family in an uproar, well... Dad was roaring, Mom was about ready to scream, and my brother was swearing and threatening me, and I would slam my door, jump on my bed and scream so loud in my head that I would end up holding my breath until I had a headache and felt dizzy and tired. I would feel so angry that no one talked to eachother about what was really the problem. I was so angry and tired of being told that I was a Princess and was perfect for suggesting we all TALK about the problem, so we should all listen to me, little miss smart-ass. Then I would be stormed at and swung at, and screamed at and I hated that I loved them even though they acted so passive, and agressive and hateful. Minutes later downstairs, I'd hear them all talk as if nothing happened, or say insulting things about me.
I hated that I would stand up for Dad's right to be upset sometimes (though we shoud all talk about it), Mom's right to not have to do all the chores by herself, and my brother's right to ... whatever he needed the right to do... and my right to be able to speak up, and all I got was flack, threats, welts and crying myself to sleep.
It's been 5 years since my family's been throught that, and here I am faced with it again at work. Only with The Crewleader. I tried to speak up and compromise, but she refuses to hear it. I get told off, and told I'm wrong and she's right, and no one else speaks up. They tell me they don't want to make her worse. Thanks, guys. I stood up for ALL of them in a fair way, and no one else had the respect or even guts to do it for me. Not once, in every time that The Crewleader put me down - yet they tell ME they can't stand her for it, and say I (and everyone) deserve better. I KNOW THAT. YOU KNOW THAT. Why don't you tell HER that?! Why am I the only one standing up again?? I've talked to HER. I've talked to MANAGEMENT. I've talked to everyone!!
So I'm being internally angry, and The Crewleader attempted niceness in casually and slightly yet touch-ily admitting that maybe I wasn't being slowed down, amd she hadn't actually seen what I was doing to know the difference. I added - tired of having to go through this SAME problem so much, "... It's still not okay for you to talk like that to me. Maybe you could look to see if I'm working next time?" and then she talked over me, and I kept trying to get the point across, and I just went more into my work and went straight to Ignore Mode. Everyone had been quite before, but then they all acted as though nothing was wrong and laughed and chatted with eachother. I started to shake uncontrollably.
The Crewleader then came over to me and told me she was NOT going to put up with my bad attitude and I should just leave if I don't want to work. I kept working, and said "I have no problem with working, I'm almost done, working is fine." and she repeated herself, "Go clock out. I wont have you having a bad attitude like this, so you might as well just leave this for me to do and just go home."
I've never been told this at work in my life. I've seen other people get in a fight at work and be told to leave, and they simply stormed off, but I refused to leave like that. I wanted to finish my job like everyone else and help out.
I defended very loudly, "I have the right to be angry. Why can't I be pissed off right now? I'm usually happy all the time, I have the right to be angry this time, this isn't fair!"
The Crewleader wouldn't stand for it, so she dismissed me again, and told me to leave. I walked off to the back to get my things from my locker, totally broke down and the shaking got worse out of sheer anger, and I cried like I haven't cried since I was a kid.
...and I left, feeling totally defeated.
I wish she would listen, like I've listened to her even when what she was saying wasn't necessarily fair to anyone, or was even the case - I've even apologised to her when it wasn't my fault. I wish someone ELSE would stand up with me when it gets to be totally disrespectful, not to win the argument, but to speak up for OUR sake, and the sake of maybe getting a point across to her and reaching a compromise. I wish people would stop telling me how unfair I've been treated, when I obviously KNOW it and have tried to change it while no one else has. I wish people would stop acting like nothing is wrong, and they shouldn't speak up for fear of confrontation.
I wish I didn't feel lost, angry, sad and totally helpless like I did when I was a kid.
I wish things would change.
Five years of living on my own since (and at times, other roommates), and I've been happy, and my parents are still having their problems, and my brother is still having his problems, and both of their problems are all of our problems, and we talk more, and love more, and try more - things are better between all of us though. We're more family, and less ferile.
I know we all have faults, I know we all have obsticles and get over things. I'm glad it all happened, simply because I think we may have learned a little from it. I feel I've learned a lot, if anything.
Almost two years in a job that sucks, but I love it. Much like my family. It sucks, but I love it - faults and all. I suck it up and step down and let things roll, because sometimes it's better to let things be. When people are treated misfairly, I'll talk to them about it to see how they feel about it.
Some time ago, the whole crew I was working with (all the hot bars) did an incredible job on a horribly busy day - every single crewmember I was working with was complimented by different guests for being quick and in good spirits - and we were so excited we praised eachother for kicking major booty. Our crew leader at the time saw it differently. She put herself on her own at the salad bar away from us all that time, and still came up to us at the end of the day to tell us how tired she was from doing all the work and how we were too busy talking and slacking to get anything done.
Disrespectful and unfair. If she were in the right, and we had been slacking, I wouldn't have said anything, in fact we all would've agreed with her. We hadn't had so much positive feedback in one night in a long time, so what she said had no barring and I was taken aback.
Instead of yelling like my father, instead of shutting up like my brother would've told me to, instead of huffing and sighing and complaining about The Crewleader later, I stepped up. I don't approach things in a confronting manner, because people put up defenses when you do that. I did, in a relaxed fashion, mention that every member was complimented by a different guest for being quick and chipper and we totally rocked the house - every one of them. She then put the crew down by mentioning that she didn't see that - we were slackers and she was forced to do all the work (when really she only worked the salad bar all that time).
We pre-closed at a decent rate that night, with some time to sit and take a breather before closing down all the bars. I sat down with everyone and bragged because I was really excited about what a great job we pulled off, and everyone joined in with their own bragging rights. It was mutually aknowledged that The Crewleader had been pretty unfair that night in how she treated everyone, and my feathers were pretty fluffed with pride in everyone, so I spoke up a little and congratulated us all, and told them that while we all see things differently from eachother and The Crewleader sometimes, I felt we were in the right, and shouldn't let someone be disrespectful to the whole crew like that, when it'd be more effective to be a leader and encourage, and cheer the crew on.
Later that night The Crewleader came up to me and brought up that she noticed I was upset. I started with, "We busted our butts and the bars were great - every single employee was complimented, and we were upbeat and still had time to talk as we went - with eachother and our guests - " and she cut me off, "You always get distracted with talking and the work gets ingnored... etc." she just wouldn't aknowledge the good job everyone did, and only held on to the bad habit EVERYONE falls into at times, even her - but that wasn't even the issue that night! I admitted we all can fall into talking at times, but that it was unfair for her to tell us we didn't do our jobs that night and she did it all (when it turned out she sat around instead of closing with us that night, and did a poor job on the salad bar leaving a large mess on the bakery counter), but she cut me off, and laughed thinking we were just having a 'disagreement'. I simply shut my mouth and walked away. The next day it was Forgive and Forget/Live and Let Live.
Every once in a while The Crewleader will nitpick and point me out as the slow one who's talking too much. I can do the salad bar like it's the back of my hand, so when I'm talking, I'm going going going going going. It's been mentioned to me by other employees that it annoys them that she picks on me like that, and takes everyone else's credit as though she's carrying the workload on her own. I've agreed, and have tried talking to her about it, but she's stubborn and does NOT want to hear it differently than she sees it. No one else has spoken up with her, except for management - and things haven't changed.
Tonight.
Tonight Jennifer pre-closed the salad area in the back perfectly, and I used a quicker-n-easier pre-close that Ashley taught me recently, so I was actually ahead of the Hot Bar closers (which is usually not the case!). As I was pulling the last of the food, and wrapping everything, Jake, who was off and clocked-out already, was having a serious conversation about something and I was talking with him while wrapping - I've closed the bar almost two years, it's a second nature now, I have the right to say so - and The Crewleader told Jake to stop talking to me because it was slowing me down, and I wouldn't get anything done with him bugging me. I stopped for a moment and looked up at her, "I'm actually well ahead of you guys for once, and I'm working while we're chatting - he's not slowing me down at all!" and she wouldn't hear it. Jake left me be while I kept closing. I wheeled my now full cart to the back cooler and came back to pull the metal divider-frames from the bar and was putting them next to the bar as usual, and The Crewleader then went off about how I was throwing things around with a bad additude, and I WAS in a bad mood, but I wasn't throwing anything - they're METAL, and metal things go "CLANG!" when you put them on a hard tile floor - and I wasn't sighing or saying ANYthing. I was already past my peak of anger, though.
When I was a kid and my dad was reeming me out for something I had nothing to do with, and Mom was sighing and telling dad to calm down (but left it at that), and I was about to stand up for myself (and the rest of the family, since I knew something unmentioned was bothering dad, and he wasn't addressing it but was taking it out on everyone instad of facing the issue), and my brother would tell me to shut up - it would all end with me being sent to my room with the family in an uproar, well... Dad was roaring, Mom was about ready to scream, and my brother was swearing and threatening me, and I would slam my door, jump on my bed and scream so loud in my head that I would end up holding my breath until I had a headache and felt dizzy and tired. I would feel so angry that no one talked to eachother about what was really the problem. I was so angry and tired of being told that I was a Princess and was perfect for suggesting we all TALK about the problem, so we should all listen to me, little miss smart-ass. Then I would be stormed at and swung at, and screamed at and I hated that I loved them even though they acted so passive, and agressive and hateful. Minutes later downstairs, I'd hear them all talk as if nothing happened, or say insulting things about me.
I hated that I would stand up for Dad's right to be upset sometimes (though we shoud all talk about it), Mom's right to not have to do all the chores by herself, and my brother's right to ... whatever he needed the right to do... and my right to be able to speak up, and all I got was flack, threats, welts and crying myself to sleep.
It's been 5 years since my family's been throught that, and here I am faced with it again at work. Only with The Crewleader. I tried to speak up and compromise, but she refuses to hear it. I get told off, and told I'm wrong and she's right, and no one else speaks up. They tell me they don't want to make her worse. Thanks, guys. I stood up for ALL of them in a fair way, and no one else had the respect or even guts to do it for me. Not once, in every time that The Crewleader put me down - yet they tell ME they can't stand her for it, and say I (and everyone) deserve better. I KNOW THAT. YOU KNOW THAT. Why don't you tell HER that?! Why am I the only one standing up again?? I've talked to HER. I've talked to MANAGEMENT. I've talked to everyone!!
So I'm being internally angry, and The Crewleader attempted niceness in casually and slightly yet touch-ily admitting that maybe I wasn't being slowed down, amd she hadn't actually seen what I was doing to know the difference. I added - tired of having to go through this SAME problem so much, "... It's still not okay for you to talk like that to me. Maybe you could look to see if I'm working next time?" and then she talked over me, and I kept trying to get the point across, and I just went more into my work and went straight to Ignore Mode. Everyone had been quite before, but then they all acted as though nothing was wrong and laughed and chatted with eachother. I started to shake uncontrollably.
The Crewleader then came over to me and told me she was NOT going to put up with my bad attitude and I should just leave if I don't want to work. I kept working, and said "I have no problem with working, I'm almost done, working is fine." and she repeated herself, "Go clock out. I wont have you having a bad attitude like this, so you might as well just leave this for me to do and just go home."
I've never been told this at work in my life. I've seen other people get in a fight at work and be told to leave, and they simply stormed off, but I refused to leave like that. I wanted to finish my job like everyone else and help out.
I defended very loudly, "I have the right to be angry. Why can't I be pissed off right now? I'm usually happy all the time, I have the right to be angry this time, this isn't fair!"
The Crewleader wouldn't stand for it, so she dismissed me again, and told me to leave. I walked off to the back to get my things from my locker, totally broke down and the shaking got worse out of sheer anger, and I cried like I haven't cried since I was a kid.
...and I left, feeling totally defeated.
I wish she would listen, like I've listened to her even when what she was saying wasn't necessarily fair to anyone, or was even the case - I've even apologised to her when it wasn't my fault. I wish someone ELSE would stand up with me when it gets to be totally disrespectful, not to win the argument, but to speak up for OUR sake, and the sake of maybe getting a point across to her and reaching a compromise. I wish people would stop telling me how unfair I've been treated, when I obviously KNOW it and have tried to change it while no one else has. I wish people would stop acting like nothing is wrong, and they shouldn't speak up for fear of confrontation.
I wish I didn't feel lost, angry, sad and totally helpless like I did when I was a kid.
I wish things would change.