drunkness strippers and airport security. AKA. vacation wrapup or... IM NEVER FLYING MIDWEST AGAIN!!
Where were we.... ah yes. up north chillin with my buddy. We went out barhopping. The town was dead. Normally this time of year its full of snowmobilers, but they haven't been getting much snow so the tourism has been dead. There was maybe 20 people total between the first 3 bars we hit.
We get to the 4th bar and i order a drink. Then i start talkin to a couple older chicks. Bought one a shot, the bartender didn't take my money so i picked it back up. Then the other girl bought me a drink. I drank most of it and wandered over to talk to her. Next thing ya know the bartender puts a full drink in front of me. "did she buy me another one?" nah man thats the one you left over there "ohh ok. (the one i left was nearly empty though)... then the bartender ended up buyin me a few drinks too. good times good times. and i have no idea what my buddy said but apparently i punched him in the mouth. he hit me back. knocked the ball out of my lip ring. somehow i caught it. i go to the bathroom to put it back in and in the process of putting it in my labret falls out. we scowered the bathroom for it. no clue where it went. its a little bit big to fit down the drain. it was to the point that i borrowed a broom from the bartender. but no luck.
We went and got some food and went to crash. he put me on this busted cot. it was like 2 feet too small and bent in half. i looked hilarious i bet. whatever it was comfy. i get woken up a few hours later to the sounds of puking. we woke up when this chick i know showed up. she couldn't stop laughing at me in the little broken bed. I ask my buddy if he puked. he couldn't remember. we were still drunk. haha. mentioned goin out again that night and he looks through his wallet. 'dude.. i spent 85$ last night' and im like hahaha i spent 25 and got just as drunk if not more. hooray for friendly old chicks.
The next night we met up with one of his buddies. we watched snatch then we took off to have coffee with this chick. some other dudes he knew were there and we played a little poker. the topic of anime came up so we all went to dudes house to watch appleseed. which i might add had great animation and cgi but a really weak plotline.
Next night we went back to my parents place. stopped of at this gas station in the next town over to grab some beer an supplies and the girl behind the counter asks if we're gonna hit up the dollar bar. dollar bar you say? sounds good to me.
We get to the rents place and they shove a feast down our throats. fullness to the point of not wanting to move. but alas, we must press on. theres drinking to be done. so i call my buddy in the next town over. he's down for a few drinks. he's got a car so he can drop me back off at my parents since my othe friend hasta go back up north since he's got work the next day. we decide to meet up at this bar by his house. the 'neighborhood bar' it was a trick to find but we got there
of course i had totally forgotten how wisconsin bars are during football season. "yeaaaah packerssss. w0000000t" i can't hang with that. i decide we need to adjourn somewhere more chill and with better scenery. the choices are narrowed down to a bad titty bar or the dollar bar.
Everyone had heard a million bad stories about the local titty bar. they were all pretty skeptical. so i was like whatever. dollar bar it is. of course we get there and its closed. Titty bar was destined. hehe
We drive to the outskirts of town and wander in. it was small and divey. the dude cards us but does not charge a cover. I was stoked about that. Around here its usually like 10ish at the door unless ya know someone.
We sit down at the bar and i look over at the stage and i think it was the first time i've ever seen saggy A cups before. Pancakes i say. pancakes. Nice body from the waist down though. After her dance she came by and we talked. gave her a few bucks. The next chick was a bit worse. and then this fat chick gets on stage. who the hell told her that would be a good job for her i do not know. I wanted to give her a buck to put sweat pants on or somethin. It was a trainwreck. It was a really slow club so most of the dancers were chillin at the bar hangin out with us. One of them commented on my ears and i was like dude. i so don't wanna hear it tonight. i get at least 8 comments bout my ears a day when im at home. So the rest of the night she's all "god i hate your ears. they're so big and stupid and shiny". she was cool though. After her dance she gave me a kiss and a hug and a little later had me buy her a drink. The original chick was real cool to talk to too. The fat chick was up on stage again and she comes over and whispers in my ear how i should tip her cuz its her 2nd night and she's doin horrible. So just to humor her i walk up to the stage. chick comes over 'so how do you wanna give it to me?' um... i dunno. you pick... 'come on. how do you wanna give it to me?' um... i have no imagination. you pick.'' so she pulls her waistband out. i toss the bill in "3pointer! w00t" i walked back to the bar. Aside from the random kisses and boobs shoved against my hands, i think the ony other notable point was this one girl. I gave her a buck and then she purred and asked for one for the kitty. i look down and she's got her g-string pulled way out and has me stick it down her pants. STUBBLE. swear to god i got razor burn on my hand from that kitty. heh.
We hung out till last call and went back to my parents. had to take all these backroads cuz it turns out my buddy didn't have a license cuz it got suspended for a dui. it worked out though i got to my destination. we talked about goin back the next day but alas. i called him and he was broke too.
Figures of the few people i got ahold of, i managed to drink them all under the table. ah well.
spent the rest of the trip with the rents. got some cool stuff for xmas. was nice seein em again.
I was supposed to leave the 14th. everything looked good. no delays. weather was decent.
i hop a little commuter plane to milwaukee. oddly enough it had another stop 20 minutes into the flight at another little airport. they let 1 guy off and 2 people got on. how odd.... that was a scary little plane. bounce bounce bounce i say. i arrive in milwaukee. sit down at the bar and have a few drinks.
Airport drinks are expensive but i started talkin to this dude that was scared to death of flying and on his way to new york to meet with some record execs. cool kid. dunno how he could stand those gin and tonics though. i have strict rules about not drinking anything that smells like pine sol.
I go to check on my plane. right before im supposed to leave they delay it. i ask about getting on another flight. "oh we don't know if we can authorize that. we'll have another update in an hour" i get back up there a half hour later and they're announcing that they'd put 13 people on this other flight and that the rest of us have to wait. i was like wtf. i ask about that lovely update we were sposta hve. "oh yeah we skipped that one. the next ones in 2 hours"
After about 5 hours of dicking me around they announce that the flight is canceled. the story changed from weather delays to mechanical problems and they were very vague.
i waited in line way too long. I ask about another flight "oh no. the last flight boards in 55 minutes and they stop taking baggage 45 before" im like ok.... so if you hurry up i can get on that plane. "well you won't be able to grab your bag that fast" im just like dude.... i'll run. better yet. you do it. "nope no time. can't" can you send me now and send my bag tomorrow "no its against airline regulations. can't send a bag by itself" its not like they didn't already search it. fuck. so she starts ignoring me. i ask the other guy what im supposed to do and he ignores me. i'm like "hey you. not listening guy. what am i supposed to do here" he just looks off into space. blah. finally they write me out a voucher for a free hotel room and tell me how to get to one. they gave me a 75$ voucher as well and i was like 'sweet now i don't hafta starve' and the chicks like oh no. thats 75$ off for when you buy another plane ticket with us. 'right cuz im ever gonna fly with you guys again...' and she says how its the first time she's seen somethin like this in 2 years or some shit. blahblahblah says somethin about how they were checking all the seats on the plane whatever. then she gives me a 10$ voucher for food. but of course i was in a hurry to grab my bag and get the hell out of there.
I check in at the hotel. get up to my room and theres no takeout menus to be seeen. just a number for a pizza place on the back of the room key. i make the mistake of ordering. i suffered the migraine from hell while waiting. then the bad overpriced pizza arrives and i start puking. spent the better part of the night in the bathroom. then i had to be out the door in a few hours to catch the first flight home.
I get to the airport. check my bag. get my ticket and they comment about me being a "special guest". i go to the security checkpoint and show them my pass and they tell me im a "special guest" again and throw me in a separate line. I take my shoes off and belt and other metal things. the lady asks to see my boarding pass again. Chuckles somthing about a "special guest" and how i've been chosen for extra security screening. which basically amounts to me getting patted down for 20 minutes and talked down to. "oh whats this. its going off. lets xray your wallet." if theres anything missing im gonna flip "oh whats this.." that would be the button on my pants "oh. a button. well lets feel that too" meh.
By the time i got to the gate i still had some time to kill. so i went to the bar ordered up a drink. told her to make it a double. that totals out to just under 10$. i hand her the voucher "oh no. thats only for food. not alcohol" um.. im on a liquid diet "no. food only." so i give her money. drink my drink. smoke my cigarette and ask if i can use it to buy a muffin and some juice. "sure" so she hands me the muffin and the juice and takes my voucher. "oh btw. we don't give change." so basically i spent 10$ on a fuckin muffin. i was so irritated.
I get on the plane. from there on in its smooth sailin. 5 hours later im home. of course i had no way home from the airport since all my ridse were lined up for the previous day when i was supposed to come in. my cell doesn't work outside of phoenix so i couldn't call anyone till i got home. the fuckin hotel room didn't give me long distance so i could only call local or collect. by the time i was home everyone was either out. on their way to work. or asleep. ended up callin a cab. cabs charge more coming from the airport of course so it was a 25$ ride to my house. so yeah. theres my vacation in a nutshell. i'll be back to visit one of these days. am i flying anytime soon? most likely not. will i fly that airline again? hell fuck no.
Thats about it. im home now. i feel better. refreshed at least. refreshed and relaxed and thats how you're supposed to be after vacations.
We get to the 4th bar and i order a drink. Then i start talkin to a couple older chicks. Bought one a shot, the bartender didn't take my money so i picked it back up. Then the other girl bought me a drink. I drank most of it and wandered over to talk to her. Next thing ya know the bartender puts a full drink in front of me. "did she buy me another one?" nah man thats the one you left over there "ohh ok. (the one i left was nearly empty though)... then the bartender ended up buyin me a few drinks too. good times good times. and i have no idea what my buddy said but apparently i punched him in the mouth. he hit me back. knocked the ball out of my lip ring. somehow i caught it. i go to the bathroom to put it back in and in the process of putting it in my labret falls out. we scowered the bathroom for it. no clue where it went. its a little bit big to fit down the drain. it was to the point that i borrowed a broom from the bartender. but no luck.
We went and got some food and went to crash. he put me on this busted cot. it was like 2 feet too small and bent in half. i looked hilarious i bet. whatever it was comfy. i get woken up a few hours later to the sounds of puking. we woke up when this chick i know showed up. she couldn't stop laughing at me in the little broken bed. I ask my buddy if he puked. he couldn't remember. we were still drunk. haha. mentioned goin out again that night and he looks through his wallet. 'dude.. i spent 85$ last night' and im like hahaha i spent 25 and got just as drunk if not more. hooray for friendly old chicks.
The next night we met up with one of his buddies. we watched snatch then we took off to have coffee with this chick. some other dudes he knew were there and we played a little poker. the topic of anime came up so we all went to dudes house to watch appleseed. which i might add had great animation and cgi but a really weak plotline.
Next night we went back to my parents place. stopped of at this gas station in the next town over to grab some beer an supplies and the girl behind the counter asks if we're gonna hit up the dollar bar. dollar bar you say? sounds good to me.
We get to the rents place and they shove a feast down our throats. fullness to the point of not wanting to move. but alas, we must press on. theres drinking to be done. so i call my buddy in the next town over. he's down for a few drinks. he's got a car so he can drop me back off at my parents since my othe friend hasta go back up north since he's got work the next day. we decide to meet up at this bar by his house. the 'neighborhood bar' it was a trick to find but we got there
of course i had totally forgotten how wisconsin bars are during football season. "yeaaaah packerssss. w0000000t" i can't hang with that. i decide we need to adjourn somewhere more chill and with better scenery. the choices are narrowed down to a bad titty bar or the dollar bar.
Everyone had heard a million bad stories about the local titty bar. they were all pretty skeptical. so i was like whatever. dollar bar it is. of course we get there and its closed. Titty bar was destined. hehe
We drive to the outskirts of town and wander in. it was small and divey. the dude cards us but does not charge a cover. I was stoked about that. Around here its usually like 10ish at the door unless ya know someone.
We sit down at the bar and i look over at the stage and i think it was the first time i've ever seen saggy A cups before. Pancakes i say. pancakes. Nice body from the waist down though. After her dance she came by and we talked. gave her a few bucks. The next chick was a bit worse. and then this fat chick gets on stage. who the hell told her that would be a good job for her i do not know. I wanted to give her a buck to put sweat pants on or somethin. It was a trainwreck. It was a really slow club so most of the dancers were chillin at the bar hangin out with us. One of them commented on my ears and i was like dude. i so don't wanna hear it tonight. i get at least 8 comments bout my ears a day when im at home. So the rest of the night she's all "god i hate your ears. they're so big and stupid and shiny". she was cool though. After her dance she gave me a kiss and a hug and a little later had me buy her a drink. The original chick was real cool to talk to too. The fat chick was up on stage again and she comes over and whispers in my ear how i should tip her cuz its her 2nd night and she's doin horrible. So just to humor her i walk up to the stage. chick comes over 'so how do you wanna give it to me?' um... i dunno. you pick... 'come on. how do you wanna give it to me?' um... i have no imagination. you pick.'' so she pulls her waistband out. i toss the bill in "3pointer! w00t" i walked back to the bar. Aside from the random kisses and boobs shoved against my hands, i think the ony other notable point was this one girl. I gave her a buck and then she purred and asked for one for the kitty. i look down and she's got her g-string pulled way out and has me stick it down her pants. STUBBLE. swear to god i got razor burn on my hand from that kitty. heh.
We hung out till last call and went back to my parents. had to take all these backroads cuz it turns out my buddy didn't have a license cuz it got suspended for a dui. it worked out though i got to my destination. we talked about goin back the next day but alas. i called him and he was broke too.
Figures of the few people i got ahold of, i managed to drink them all under the table. ah well.
spent the rest of the trip with the rents. got some cool stuff for xmas. was nice seein em again.
I was supposed to leave the 14th. everything looked good. no delays. weather was decent.
i hop a little commuter plane to milwaukee. oddly enough it had another stop 20 minutes into the flight at another little airport. they let 1 guy off and 2 people got on. how odd.... that was a scary little plane. bounce bounce bounce i say. i arrive in milwaukee. sit down at the bar and have a few drinks.
Airport drinks are expensive but i started talkin to this dude that was scared to death of flying and on his way to new york to meet with some record execs. cool kid. dunno how he could stand those gin and tonics though. i have strict rules about not drinking anything that smells like pine sol.
I go to check on my plane. right before im supposed to leave they delay it. i ask about getting on another flight. "oh we don't know if we can authorize that. we'll have another update in an hour" i get back up there a half hour later and they're announcing that they'd put 13 people on this other flight and that the rest of us have to wait. i was like wtf. i ask about that lovely update we were sposta hve. "oh yeah we skipped that one. the next ones in 2 hours"
After about 5 hours of dicking me around they announce that the flight is canceled. the story changed from weather delays to mechanical problems and they were very vague.
i waited in line way too long. I ask about another flight "oh no. the last flight boards in 55 minutes and they stop taking baggage 45 before" im like ok.... so if you hurry up i can get on that plane. "well you won't be able to grab your bag that fast" im just like dude.... i'll run. better yet. you do it. "nope no time. can't" can you send me now and send my bag tomorrow "no its against airline regulations. can't send a bag by itself" its not like they didn't already search it. fuck. so she starts ignoring me. i ask the other guy what im supposed to do and he ignores me. i'm like "hey you. not listening guy. what am i supposed to do here" he just looks off into space. blah. finally they write me out a voucher for a free hotel room and tell me how to get to one. they gave me a 75$ voucher as well and i was like 'sweet now i don't hafta starve' and the chicks like oh no. thats 75$ off for when you buy another plane ticket with us. 'right cuz im ever gonna fly with you guys again...' and she says how its the first time she's seen somethin like this in 2 years or some shit. blahblahblah says somethin about how they were checking all the seats on the plane whatever. then she gives me a 10$ voucher for food. but of course i was in a hurry to grab my bag and get the hell out of there.
I check in at the hotel. get up to my room and theres no takeout menus to be seeen. just a number for a pizza place on the back of the room key. i make the mistake of ordering. i suffered the migraine from hell while waiting. then the bad overpriced pizza arrives and i start puking. spent the better part of the night in the bathroom. then i had to be out the door in a few hours to catch the first flight home.
I get to the airport. check my bag. get my ticket and they comment about me being a "special guest". i go to the security checkpoint and show them my pass and they tell me im a "special guest" again and throw me in a separate line. I take my shoes off and belt and other metal things. the lady asks to see my boarding pass again. Chuckles somthing about a "special guest" and how i've been chosen for extra security screening. which basically amounts to me getting patted down for 20 minutes and talked down to. "oh whats this. its going off. lets xray your wallet." if theres anything missing im gonna flip "oh whats this.." that would be the button on my pants "oh. a button. well lets feel that too" meh.
By the time i got to the gate i still had some time to kill. so i went to the bar ordered up a drink. told her to make it a double. that totals out to just under 10$. i hand her the voucher "oh no. thats only for food. not alcohol" um.. im on a liquid diet "no. food only." so i give her money. drink my drink. smoke my cigarette and ask if i can use it to buy a muffin and some juice. "sure" so she hands me the muffin and the juice and takes my voucher. "oh btw. we don't give change." so basically i spent 10$ on a fuckin muffin. i was so irritated.
I get on the plane. from there on in its smooth sailin. 5 hours later im home. of course i had no way home from the airport since all my ridse were lined up for the previous day when i was supposed to come in. my cell doesn't work outside of phoenix so i couldn't call anyone till i got home. the fuckin hotel room didn't give me long distance so i could only call local or collect. by the time i was home everyone was either out. on their way to work. or asleep. ended up callin a cab. cabs charge more coming from the airport of course so it was a 25$ ride to my house. so yeah. theres my vacation in a nutshell. i'll be back to visit one of these days. am i flying anytime soon? most likely not. will i fly that airline again? hell fuck no.
Thats about it. im home now. i feel better. refreshed at least. refreshed and relaxed and thats how you're supposed to be after vacations.