(no subject)
So I sit here and ponder, “What a wonder it would be to have a crystal ball and to catch a glimpse of the future.” Would I live my life any differently knowing what is to come? Would I be disappointed in how I turned out, or would I work towards something better? Would I alter my course in life in spite of the future I saw and think I could affect the outcome? Wouldn’t my actions still simply result in the foreseen? These thoughts are so foreign to me.
The only times I have ever really thought about the path before me have been in dread or worry… or sometimes with a surrealistic sense of wonder, but never with enthusiasm. I live one foot ahead of the other. Never really wondering too much how different my present would have been had I made different choices along the road, and never really thinking too in-depth about where I am headed, so long as the journey is worthwhile.
But now I wonder how different my future could be, depending on choices I make now. Every possibility seems available now. I look forward and I am intrigued. I wonder how I will be in a year, and hope that you’ll be there with me. I look forward even further and still hope the same and more. I can steer my course for a change, instead of relying on the Universe to move me along. For a very long time, I have relied on that simple philosophy: the Universe has some Order to it, and all will turn out as it should be.
Now I have something I want very badly, and am willing to alter my path to keep it with me. So I ask myself, if I could see the future and found you were not there, would I change my whole philosophy in life and fight for a new future? My answer is readily a YES. What is this change in myself that would move me to such an extreme? I could not quit you even if I wanted, and I could never in a lifetime imagine I would want that. I love you so completely and deeply, that you have become part of me. Some days that scares me.
It scares me because now I fear. Above all, I fear loss. Again, I cannot see that future to even know that you or I will be breathing tomorrow, and that uncertainty chills me to my core. Would I still look into that crystal ball now? This unnamable fear chokes me and keeps me standing in place. This fear makes me want to hold onto you so very hard and never let you go out of my sight. The thought of a future without you blackens even the most beautiful of days. When we are together, these fears seem so silly and far from my mind, but as soon as we are apart, I am afraid.
I’m putting these fears down on ‘paper’ to claim them before they claim me. I want to tread my path again, unafraid, and embrace what the Universe puts ahead of me. Whether that means we walk this path together for eternity, or for a brief moment in time, I want to enjoy you, us and what we have made here between us.
So the question remains: would I look into that crystal ball, not knowing if what I saw was certain to be, and not knowing if I could affect what I saw, for good or ill? No, I wouldn’t look, because I have my hope. The hope that you would be happy, healthy and mine for a very long time. And these are hopes I would like to make the future at all costs. So maybe I have changed my philosophy after all… but what is it to be alive if we cannot grow?
The only times I have ever really thought about the path before me have been in dread or worry… or sometimes with a surrealistic sense of wonder, but never with enthusiasm. I live one foot ahead of the other. Never really wondering too much how different my present would have been had I made different choices along the road, and never really thinking too in-depth about where I am headed, so long as the journey is worthwhile.
But now I wonder how different my future could be, depending on choices I make now. Every possibility seems available now. I look forward and I am intrigued. I wonder how I will be in a year, and hope that you’ll be there with me. I look forward even further and still hope the same and more. I can steer my course for a change, instead of relying on the Universe to move me along. For a very long time, I have relied on that simple philosophy: the Universe has some Order to it, and all will turn out as it should be.
Now I have something I want very badly, and am willing to alter my path to keep it with me. So I ask myself, if I could see the future and found you were not there, would I change my whole philosophy in life and fight for a new future? My answer is readily a YES. What is this change in myself that would move me to such an extreme? I could not quit you even if I wanted, and I could never in a lifetime imagine I would want that. I love you so completely and deeply, that you have become part of me. Some days that scares me.
It scares me because now I fear. Above all, I fear loss. Again, I cannot see that future to even know that you or I will be breathing tomorrow, and that uncertainty chills me to my core. Would I still look into that crystal ball now? This unnamable fear chokes me and keeps me standing in place. This fear makes me want to hold onto you so very hard and never let you go out of my sight. The thought of a future without you blackens even the most beautiful of days. When we are together, these fears seem so silly and far from my mind, but as soon as we are apart, I am afraid.
I’m putting these fears down on ‘paper’ to claim them before they claim me. I want to tread my path again, unafraid, and embrace what the Universe puts ahead of me. Whether that means we walk this path together for eternity, or for a brief moment in time, I want to enjoy you, us and what we have made here between us.
So the question remains: would I look into that crystal ball, not knowing if what I saw was certain to be, and not knowing if I could affect what I saw, for good or ill? No, I wouldn’t look, because I have my hope. The hope that you would be happy, healthy and mine for a very long time. And these are hopes I would like to make the future at all costs. So maybe I have changed my philosophy after all… but what is it to be alive if we cannot grow?