Thoughts
“How fast is too fast to become attached to someone?” Axel asked hunkering down on the couch. He wanted to draw his knees up but the cast wouldn’t allow it. Every few seconds he discovered another thing the cast wouldn’t let him do. He didn’t like that.
He couldn’t wait to see the Flash again.
“It depends on the person and the situation. Who have you become attached to?” Charlie asked pulling her legs up into a half-lotus and watching him intently.
“I see these leading questions Charlisse, but I will play along. I’ve become attached to quite a few people. My Papa - the one teaching me the toy-making business. I’m attached enough to him to consider him my Papa, he’s been more of one then my parents ever were. Kitten’s… My…” He looked up studying Charlie’s reaction as he said the word. “Boyfriend.” She didn’t bat a lash. “I guess that’s what you’d call it. I’m cautious to put a word on it before he does.”
“Kitten? Papa sounds like he and you are getting along well?”
“Leading.”
“Following.” She countered him with a chuckle. “This isn’t court - you aren’t a witness.”
“Kitten is a boy I met. At first we didn’t get along but I think that was more because he got handed what I was fighting for and I didn’t understand why everyone liked him better. And I was a little ass.” Axel chewed at his thumbnail studying the toys piled in the corner. “Papa and I fight sometimes. I don’t think we can help it, we’re just… He’s teaching me a lot sometimes the lessons are a little slow though. My parents… This is one of those things I’m supposed to tell you about in a big lengthy sob-story right?”
“Do you want to talk about them?”
“Not really - they weren’t really interested in me at all, why should I waste our time bein’ interested in them?”
“Then tell me about something you’d like to talk about.”
“Blondie. I trust her a lot more then I should. Kinda like I trust Papa though I don’t think she’s auditioning to the role of Mama. Like how she treats me though.”
“How does she treat you differently?”
“Charlisse… Look at me. I don’t exactly look or sound like the smartest tomato on the vine. I come off like a shit-assed punk and most of the time I am. Or was. I’m in the process of growing up some? Blondie treats me like I’m there - like I’m younger and need to be cared for, but not like I’m… Inferior.”
“Everyone else makes you feel inferior?”
“I’m not.” The statement was surprisingly firm. “I’m not fucking inferior.” Axel closed his eyes tight his shin throbbing. “I’m not weak. I’m not lonely. I’m not afraid. I’m not stupid. I’m not wrong.” His voice wavered. “I’m not… Bad?” He swallowed shaking his head. “I’m learning. I learn better’n’them and I can change. They’re stuck in the mud. Stuck in their lives and they aren’t ever going to be able to really see something with new eyes.”
“You’re seeing something?”
“Hunh?” He hadn’t meant to say part of that outloud. “The painkillers for my leg are making me fuzzy. I got no clue what I’m saying. Do you believe in God?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Big man upstairs? Makes a lot of rules? Called by a million different names and fought over in wasteful battles that prove nothing more then that man’s selfish and always has to be right?”
“Do you believe in God?
“No, but I believe in Hell. How silly is that. To believe in one without the other. That’d be like saying, ‘I believe in flying reindeer but keep the jolly old elf outta it HE’S unbelievable’. Sheer nonsense right? Why view the punishment as real unless you get the benefit of the believe in some omnipresent being?”
“I can assure you of something Todd, you’re not stupid.” Charlie laughed scribbling a note down on her desk. “Why the interest in God?”
“I’ve been thinking about evil lately. Why bad things happen. When. How. Who they hurt. What they hurt. Want psycho-analytical canon fodder? I hurt people Charlisse - I really hurt people and I didn’t care. I didn’t even bother to acknowledge that they were people and I hurt them in ways that they’ll never recover from.”
Fifteen dead I told Spivot from my hand. Not to mention the injured. Maimed. Tortured. Broken.
He wouldn’t tell Charlie that.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you hurt them?”
“It was fun.”
“How was it fun?”
“I liked having the power. I don’t want it now.” But I’ve still got. The problem with having the power to destroy is it never goes away. I can’t just set aside my cold gun and hang up my parka. Hell I doubt he can either - it’s just a phrase. We’re Rogues. I’m a Rogue. I don’t have anything else. If we did we wouldn’t be here.
Kitten.
“Why don’t you want it?”
“It scares me. And I know - next question why does it scare me? I’ve got something to lose now. Home. Family.” Shit, he wasn’t saying it. What the hell. “Maybe even love. I can’t lose this.”
Fire. Death. Framing. Murder. Betrayal.
I can’t let them get away with this.
“Todd? What do you want?”
Salvation.
“Our times up Charlisse.” Her desk clock politely beeped. “Lets save that for another week.”
...
He couldn’t wait to see the Flash again.
“It depends on the person and the situation. Who have you become attached to?” Charlie asked pulling her legs up into a half-lotus and watching him intently.
“I see these leading questions Charlisse, but I will play along. I’ve become attached to quite a few people. My Papa - the one teaching me the toy-making business. I’m attached enough to him to consider him my Papa, he’s been more of one then my parents ever were. Kitten’s… My…” He looked up studying Charlie’s reaction as he said the word. “Boyfriend.” She didn’t bat a lash. “I guess that’s what you’d call it. I’m cautious to put a word on it before he does.”
“Kitten? Papa sounds like he and you are getting along well?”
“Leading.”
“Following.” She countered him with a chuckle. “This isn’t court - you aren’t a witness.”
“Kitten is a boy I met. At first we didn’t get along but I think that was more because he got handed what I was fighting for and I didn’t understand why everyone liked him better. And I was a little ass.” Axel chewed at his thumbnail studying the toys piled in the corner. “Papa and I fight sometimes. I don’t think we can help it, we’re just… He’s teaching me a lot sometimes the lessons are a little slow though. My parents… This is one of those things I’m supposed to tell you about in a big lengthy sob-story right?”
“Do you want to talk about them?”
“Not really - they weren’t really interested in me at all, why should I waste our time bein’ interested in them?”
“Then tell me about something you’d like to talk about.”
“Blondie. I trust her a lot more then I should. Kinda like I trust Papa though I don’t think she’s auditioning to the role of Mama. Like how she treats me though.”
“How does she treat you differently?”
“Charlisse… Look at me. I don’t exactly look or sound like the smartest tomato on the vine. I come off like a shit-assed punk and most of the time I am. Or was. I’m in the process of growing up some? Blondie treats me like I’m there - like I’m younger and need to be cared for, but not like I’m… Inferior.”
“Everyone else makes you feel inferior?”
“I’m not.” The statement was surprisingly firm. “I’m not fucking inferior.” Axel closed his eyes tight his shin throbbing. “I’m not weak. I’m not lonely. I’m not afraid. I’m not stupid. I’m not wrong.” His voice wavered. “I’m not… Bad?” He swallowed shaking his head. “I’m learning. I learn better’n’them and I can change. They’re stuck in the mud. Stuck in their lives and they aren’t ever going to be able to really see something with new eyes.”
“You’re seeing something?”
“Hunh?” He hadn’t meant to say part of that outloud. “The painkillers for my leg are making me fuzzy. I got no clue what I’m saying. Do you believe in God?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Big man upstairs? Makes a lot of rules? Called by a million different names and fought over in wasteful battles that prove nothing more then that man’s selfish and always has to be right?”
“Do you believe in God?
“No, but I believe in Hell. How silly is that. To believe in one without the other. That’d be like saying, ‘I believe in flying reindeer but keep the jolly old elf outta it HE’S unbelievable’. Sheer nonsense right? Why view the punishment as real unless you get the benefit of the believe in some omnipresent being?”
“I can assure you of something Todd, you’re not stupid.” Charlie laughed scribbling a note down on her desk. “Why the interest in God?”
“I’ve been thinking about evil lately. Why bad things happen. When. How. Who they hurt. What they hurt. Want psycho-analytical canon fodder? I hurt people Charlisse - I really hurt people and I didn’t care. I didn’t even bother to acknowledge that they were people and I hurt them in ways that they’ll never recover from.”
Fifteen dead I told Spivot from my hand. Not to mention the injured. Maimed. Tortured. Broken.
He wouldn’t tell Charlie that.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you hurt them?”
“It was fun.”
“How was it fun?”
“I liked having the power. I don’t want it now.” But I’ve still got. The problem with having the power to destroy is it never goes away. I can’t just set aside my cold gun and hang up my parka. Hell I doubt he can either - it’s just a phrase. We’re Rogues. I’m a Rogue. I don’t have anything else. If we did we wouldn’t be here.
Kitten.
“Why don’t you want it?”
“It scares me. And I know - next question why does it scare me? I’ve got something to lose now. Home. Family.” Shit, he wasn’t saying it. What the hell. “Maybe even love. I can’t lose this.”
Fire. Death. Framing. Murder. Betrayal.
I can’t let them get away with this.
“Todd? What do you want?”
Salvation.
“Our times up Charlisse.” Her desk clock politely beeped. “Lets save that for another week.”
...