(no subject)
I'm hoping that when classes start, everything will change for the better.
Something is really wrong with me. Somewhere I lost my way and completely forgot how to meet people or talk to people without being such an awkward fuck. It's not like I ever tried to embrace that part of me, but I accepted that I'm not very good at the social stuff. But yesterday at the stupid transfer student icebreaker, I feel like I did a horrible job at talking. I hope that this happened because it's an icebreaker and you know, it's inevitably going to be like that. I'll never see those people again so I'm not dwelling on any horrible impressions I might have made but I'm still pretty sad about the way I talked. Hopefully meeting people in class is a little easier because... I've been here for a month and Jess is the only person I've hung out with during that time, after the birthday party occurred. I mean I saw Alex when I went home to work, but that's seriously it. I understand that it's a pain in the ass to drive the 20-30 minutes from Plum to Shadyside but I just wish someone had wanted to come see me or had asked me to come see them.
So I guess I have to talk a little about the eating and fitness thing. I've been getting a lot more exercise when I can. I can do about fifteen minutes of Tae Bo with Billy Blanks before I get bored of it, but I never just quit - I always do something kind of fitness-related after. Yesterday I planned all my meals carefully in order to prevent a binge and I almost stuck to it. They had free nachos and cheese at the transfer thing and I cracked. They also had cotton candy, popcorn, and pizza, so I had to get out of there before all hell broke loose.
People have been telling me for years that you can't beat an eating disorder with dieting and meticulous meal planning. You have to get to the emotional root of things, they'd say. I know how I feel about body image and society and the pressure on the American woman to be five pounds and have unrealistic measurements, but that's not why I do the emotional eating. I think I might have figured it out - I bottle my emotions and I just seethe. There are things I want to say to people, things I rehearse saying to people, but sometimes I just never say them, for a number of reasons. Like maybe they've scared me out of ever confronting them. Maybe I scared myself. But from now on, I have sort of a plan about these things - I'll think about what it is that I want to say and I'll try to calm myself before I say it. And I'll be so rational that no one can accuse me of being overdramatic. I find that people are often more uncomfortable to confronted by a calm and rational person because it's just so much easier for people to scream at one another. I don't know if this is why I suffer from the eating binges, but I figure it's healthy to do this confrontation thing either way.
I have one of my famous craigslist dates with a girl tomorrow by the name of Katje. She's a Pitt student and I hope she's not a total psycho.
Something is really wrong with me. Somewhere I lost my way and completely forgot how to meet people or talk to people without being such an awkward fuck. It's not like I ever tried to embrace that part of me, but I accepted that I'm not very good at the social stuff. But yesterday at the stupid transfer student icebreaker, I feel like I did a horrible job at talking. I hope that this happened because it's an icebreaker and you know, it's inevitably going to be like that. I'll never see those people again so I'm not dwelling on any horrible impressions I might have made but I'm still pretty sad about the way I talked. Hopefully meeting people in class is a little easier because... I've been here for a month and Jess is the only person I've hung out with during that time, after the birthday party occurred. I mean I saw Alex when I went home to work, but that's seriously it. I understand that it's a pain in the ass to drive the 20-30 minutes from Plum to Shadyside but I just wish someone had wanted to come see me or had asked me to come see them.
So I guess I have to talk a little about the eating and fitness thing. I've been getting a lot more exercise when I can. I can do about fifteen minutes of Tae Bo with Billy Blanks before I get bored of it, but I never just quit - I always do something kind of fitness-related after. Yesterday I planned all my meals carefully in order to prevent a binge and I almost stuck to it. They had free nachos and cheese at the transfer thing and I cracked. They also had cotton candy, popcorn, and pizza, so I had to get out of there before all hell broke loose.
People have been telling me for years that you can't beat an eating disorder with dieting and meticulous meal planning. You have to get to the emotional root of things, they'd say. I know how I feel about body image and society and the pressure on the American woman to be five pounds and have unrealistic measurements, but that's not why I do the emotional eating. I think I might have figured it out - I bottle my emotions and I just seethe. There are things I want to say to people, things I rehearse saying to people, but sometimes I just never say them, for a number of reasons. Like maybe they've scared me out of ever confronting them. Maybe I scared myself. But from now on, I have sort of a plan about these things - I'll think about what it is that I want to say and I'll try to calm myself before I say it. And I'll be so rational that no one can accuse me of being overdramatic. I find that people are often more uncomfortable to confronted by a calm and rational person because it's just so much easier for people to scream at one another. I don't know if this is why I suffer from the eating binges, but I figure it's healthy to do this confrontation thing either way.
I have one of my famous craigslist dates with a girl tomorrow by the name of Katje. She's a Pitt student and I hope she's not a total psycho.