(no subject)
I believe that some things will always haunt me. I've spent years trying to come up with the right combination of management tools. Some days, it doesn't hurt so much, but others, it feels like hell. It is those days where it feels like yesterday.
I have many problems that could easily be remedied by medication, but I would much rather treat the cause than its symptoms.
My perception of the world around me and how I feel myself is so skewed, it doesn't even really feel like I'm human sometimes. There is a really dark place inside of me, and my goal has been to shut the door and move forward. I've done a decent job at tackling this issue, but I know that still have a ways to go before I return to a level of comfort. It is scary to look around and see how others live their lives and realize that I haven't been truly living mine for a while now. I have a new-found fear of existing. The fear of dying has made it so I'm afraid of living.
Sometimes, I wonder if I made the right decision by going off of my birth-control. I hadn't anticipated how much worse it would be before it gets better. Now, I fear that I've opened Pandora's box. This person I see in the mirror isn't me. I hope that this isn't something I'll always have to deal with. I know that the real me wants to fight this with every ounce of energy I can muster.
Why am I so paranoid? Why do I always think something is wrong with me? Why can't I stop fixating on my body?
Despite the problems that I was having on the pill, my life was pretty good prior to this experience. I was ill-prepared to deal with this. I'd like to think that this horrible time will make me a stronger person, and I'll look back on it someday and realize that I achieved something great by overcoming it -- that is was a phase, a dark period, that it became a was and not an is.
I have many problems that could easily be remedied by medication, but I would much rather treat the cause than its symptoms.
My perception of the world around me and how I feel myself is so skewed, it doesn't even really feel like I'm human sometimes. There is a really dark place inside of me, and my goal has been to shut the door and move forward. I've done a decent job at tackling this issue, but I know that still have a ways to go before I return to a level of comfort. It is scary to look around and see how others live their lives and realize that I haven't been truly living mine for a while now. I have a new-found fear of existing. The fear of dying has made it so I'm afraid of living.
Sometimes, I wonder if I made the right decision by going off of my birth-control. I hadn't anticipated how much worse it would be before it gets better. Now, I fear that I've opened Pandora's box. This person I see in the mirror isn't me. I hope that this isn't something I'll always have to deal with. I know that the real me wants to fight this with every ounce of energy I can muster.
Why am I so paranoid? Why do I always think something is wrong with me? Why can't I stop fixating on my body?
Despite the problems that I was having on the pill, my life was pretty good prior to this experience. I was ill-prepared to deal with this. I'd like to think that this horrible time will make me a stronger person, and I'll look back on it someday and realize that I achieved something great by overcoming it -- that is was a phase, a dark period, that it became a was and not an is.