It All Falls Apart.
And I'm not surprised. I'm not even sad about it. I'd rather date a fucking chicken than to date a girl who isn't strong enough to act like a sensible human being ever. I knew going in that this would be hard because she is batshit crazy. Maybe I believed that if she just realized her worth she could stop being such a goddamned force of nature. The day after the agreed to be my girlfriend, she sent me this text [original spelling, grammar and obnoxious caps upheld]:
"HMM I DON'T WANT 2 BREAK UR HEART BUT THIS MAY B SUMTHIN I HAVE 2 EASE INTO A BIT MORE & THINK ABOUT IS THAT OK? BABYSTEPS.I DON'T WANT 2 RUSH."
So, it began. She started to forget to call me. She talked to me without even mentioning where we would end up. She told me her ex was coming over so they could break up face to face, and I knew that would be the nail in the fucking coffin. I was getting annoyed because I am too old and too jaded to play these fucking games. I know what I want, and I will not settle for less than what I deserve. Today, I wrote this in my Facebook status:
"A couple of thoughts: I'm beginning to think that friendships in which the other person doesn't care enough to tell me when important things are happening in their lives are not worth maintaining. Also, I am done with dealing with mind games/emotional turmoil from people who claim to care about me. Either you think I'm worth it or you don't. But I know I'm worth better than what I'm getting."
It wasn't all about her, but nonetheless, I receive this message:
"I'm assuming you're meaning me...I don't know how to handle this situation I'm in...You know I'm weak willed & I do care deeply for this boy dispite the fact that I constantly complain about what he DOESN'T like about me. The fact that I can barely successfully maintain a close distance relationship is also a problem...How could I make you happy too if I can't see you all the time. I have to have a strong, disciplined partner if I can be at all successful in improving my life. I'm sorry for giving you a false hope & that's why I told you it would be hard for me...I understand if you hate me because I know I've been weak and made a poor decision..but I'll always care deeply for you and you'll always hold a special place in my heart. If you ever need my help in any way I would be there for you. Again, I'm sorry and I hope you can forgive me."
I was more than obliged to respond to her, especially given that which is bolded:
"Why would you assume that I am not strong or disciplined? I've been through many, many bad things in my life, but I've overcome nearly all of them by my own strong will and ambition. I don't settle for less than what I think I deserve, and I seek to live a life of quality. I am very much a self-made individual. And I am definitely strong and disciplined or I wouldn't be anywhere near where I'm at today.
So, I'm guessing you're back with this person, then? I'm not too terribly surprised if that's the case, and while I know that you do care about him, I can't help but feel sorry for you if you think that being in a relationship with someone who hates who you are is healthy or ideal. I couldn't be with someone who hates that I've had a rough past or that I'm not a Christian or that I'm bisexual. The last one would be enough of a deal breaker for me to end it immediately.
The thing that gets me is that you're only a couple of hours away. Seeing each other on a regular basis wouldn't be hard. Sure, I wouldn't see you every day, but it's probably better that way. I think it is probably even a good thing.
Honestly, part of this was about you because I know what I want and I feel like I'm far too jaded from my past partners to play games. The bulk of it was about one of my supposed best friends, who rarely gives me the time of day anymore.
I've liked you for a long time, and one thing that I've always believed is that I am not going to try to change you. I just wish that you'd realize your worth."
You see, given that I actually am a strong person. I need a strong person to be with. Some sad, pathetic addict who can't keep herself in check for even a few days isn't going to be the yin to my yang. So, I'm done, and I'm not sorry.
"HMM I DON'T WANT 2 BREAK UR HEART BUT THIS MAY B SUMTHIN I HAVE 2 EASE INTO A BIT MORE & THINK ABOUT IS THAT OK? BABYSTEPS.I DON'T WANT 2 RUSH."
So, it began. She started to forget to call me. She talked to me without even mentioning where we would end up. She told me her ex was coming over so they could break up face to face, and I knew that would be the nail in the fucking coffin. I was getting annoyed because I am too old and too jaded to play these fucking games. I know what I want, and I will not settle for less than what I deserve. Today, I wrote this in my Facebook status:
"A couple of thoughts: I'm beginning to think that friendships in which the other person doesn't care enough to tell me when important things are happening in their lives are not worth maintaining. Also, I am done with dealing with mind games/emotional turmoil from people who claim to care about me. Either you think I'm worth it or you don't. But I know I'm worth better than what I'm getting."
It wasn't all about her, but nonetheless, I receive this message:
"I'm assuming you're meaning me...I don't know how to handle this situation I'm in...You know I'm weak willed & I do care deeply for this boy dispite the fact that I constantly complain about what he DOESN'T like about me. The fact that I can barely successfully maintain a close distance relationship is also a problem...How could I make you happy too if I can't see you all the time. I have to have a strong, disciplined partner if I can be at all successful in improving my life. I'm sorry for giving you a false hope & that's why I told you it would be hard for me...I understand if you hate me because I know I've been weak and made a poor decision..but I'll always care deeply for you and you'll always hold a special place in my heart. If you ever need my help in any way I would be there for you. Again, I'm sorry and I hope you can forgive me."
I was more than obliged to respond to her, especially given that which is bolded:
"Why would you assume that I am not strong or disciplined? I've been through many, many bad things in my life, but I've overcome nearly all of them by my own strong will and ambition. I don't settle for less than what I think I deserve, and I seek to live a life of quality. I am very much a self-made individual. And I am definitely strong and disciplined or I wouldn't be anywhere near where I'm at today.
So, I'm guessing you're back with this person, then? I'm not too terribly surprised if that's the case, and while I know that you do care about him, I can't help but feel sorry for you if you think that being in a relationship with someone who hates who you are is healthy or ideal. I couldn't be with someone who hates that I've had a rough past or that I'm not a Christian or that I'm bisexual. The last one would be enough of a deal breaker for me to end it immediately.
The thing that gets me is that you're only a couple of hours away. Seeing each other on a regular basis wouldn't be hard. Sure, I wouldn't see you every day, but it's probably better that way. I think it is probably even a good thing.
Honestly, part of this was about you because I know what I want and I feel like I'm far too jaded from my past partners to play games. The bulk of it was about one of my supposed best friends, who rarely gives me the time of day anymore.
I've liked you for a long time, and one thing that I've always believed is that I am not going to try to change you. I just wish that you'd realize your worth."
You see, given that I actually am a strong person. I need a strong person to be with. Some sad, pathetic addict who can't keep herself in check for even a few days isn't going to be the yin to my yang. So, I'm done, and I'm not sorry.