(no subject)
I have been trying to branch out and make new friends/reconnect with old ones. I have issues with the way I'm treated sometimes in my immediate circle of friends, and I feel that a change of scenery is probably the best thing for me to do to combat that negative energy.
I often feel like I'm ignored/passed over/undermined. I feel like a little kid who has to repeatedly scream "MOM!" for anyone to listen to me, and when they do, I am often brushed aside. This is probably more true when everyone is together. Even if I wait for a break in the conversation, I have to start what I'm saying at least three times because I am being ignored so heavily, even by the person sitting right next to me. Sometimes, this happens, someone notices and I get lectured about interrupting, even if I haven't.
I constantly feel judged. Everything I say or do is up for debate, and my friends seem to think they know me better than I know myself. Don't get me wrong, not all of them, but my immediate group has been guilty of this at one time or another. I just feel like their perception of me is so completely skewed at some points, and I don't know how to feel about that. I feel like I have to defend myself at every turn.
That's why sometimes I go out and spend time with other friends who are not inclined to judge me and have a desire to just have fun with me. I feel like I'm valued more. Maybe, they don't know everything about my life, but I don't know that I dislike that. At least I won't be told what to do or how to act like a child who needs reprimanding to keep in line.
But that isn't to say that I don't love and value my friends. I just don't really feel like a valued member of a group any more. I also don't know what to do when everyone goes away or loses themselves in their own life struggles and no longer have any time for me.
Recently, I found out that a close friend of mine is now a drug addict, and I don't know if our friendship will survive it in the long term. He often disappears from my life, and I never know when or what to expect. Everyone else is going or potentially going to move away, and loneliness is inevitable.
Either way, what I'm doing now is what is needed for me to better myself as a person. I hate giving so much to get nothing.
And it goes beyond that, too. I know that someone here has been talking about me to other people about why they've suddenly decided to stop keeping regular contact with me. I feel sad that it wasn't worth mentioning to me, and that they honestly believe what they said. How can I be punished for a behavior that was almost directly encouraged? It doesn't make sense to me.
I'm also done with hanging out with the skeletons in my closet. I am determined to live more for today, and less for things of little importance.
I have changed in so many ways in the past year and a half. I've gotten much more mature, and my priorities have changed. My tolerance for bullshit is at an all-time low.
I often feel like I'm ignored/passed over/undermined. I feel like a little kid who has to repeatedly scream "MOM!" for anyone to listen to me, and when they do, I am often brushed aside. This is probably more true when everyone is together. Even if I wait for a break in the conversation, I have to start what I'm saying at least three times because I am being ignored so heavily, even by the person sitting right next to me. Sometimes, this happens, someone notices and I get lectured about interrupting, even if I haven't.
I constantly feel judged. Everything I say or do is up for debate, and my friends seem to think they know me better than I know myself. Don't get me wrong, not all of them, but my immediate group has been guilty of this at one time or another. I just feel like their perception of me is so completely skewed at some points, and I don't know how to feel about that. I feel like I have to defend myself at every turn.
That's why sometimes I go out and spend time with other friends who are not inclined to judge me and have a desire to just have fun with me. I feel like I'm valued more. Maybe, they don't know everything about my life, but I don't know that I dislike that. At least I won't be told what to do or how to act like a child who needs reprimanding to keep in line.
But that isn't to say that I don't love and value my friends. I just don't really feel like a valued member of a group any more. I also don't know what to do when everyone goes away or loses themselves in their own life struggles and no longer have any time for me.
Recently, I found out that a close friend of mine is now a drug addict, and I don't know if our friendship will survive it in the long term. He often disappears from my life, and I never know when or what to expect. Everyone else is going or potentially going to move away, and loneliness is inevitable.
Either way, what I'm doing now is what is needed for me to better myself as a person. I hate giving so much to get nothing.
And it goes beyond that, too. I know that someone here has been talking about me to other people about why they've suddenly decided to stop keeping regular contact with me. I feel sad that it wasn't worth mentioning to me, and that they honestly believe what they said. How can I be punished for a behavior that was almost directly encouraged? It doesn't make sense to me.
I'm also done with hanging out with the skeletons in my closet. I am determined to live more for today, and less for things of little importance.
I have changed in so many ways in the past year and a half. I've gotten much more mature, and my priorities have changed. My tolerance for bullshit is at an all-time low.