(no subject)
-- I removed the friend's boyfriend. I am not going to try to debate with someone who is unwavering in their negativity and doesn't show respect to me. He is rude, and I do not deal well with people who lack manners. I have tried so hard to refrain from commenting on her statuses that he has made it a point to clutter up with his narrow-minded, ill-informed views on the world, and so far, I have succeeded.
-- I blocked and removed the teacher on Facebook and MySpace. I have not gotten a negative backlash from it yet, but I am prepared to deal with the situation should he attempt to e-mail me. I want nothing to do with him, and one way or another, he will realize this.
-- The step-dad's sister, who caused the drama over my Facebook, removed me from her friends. She also removed my sisters and blocked my mother, and none of them did anything to warrant that. I can accept that she is a baby, and that she doesn't want to keep contact with me because I will not bend my actions to suit her, but the rest of my family did not deserve that treatment. It is amazing what can happen when you allow someone to show their true colors. Good riddance.
I think that all these things combined will take a great deal of stress off of me. I have enough issues without other people creating issues for me.
I have still been rather down about my weight, which I realize is counterproductive, because stress can actually cause weight gain. But it is really difficult for me, as I have always had issues with self image, a lot of which, again goes back to an abusive childhood.
Any time I gained any body fat, even just a little, it was pointed out to me and mocked. I was taught to cover it up and be ashamed of my body because it could cause impure sexual thoughts. If I did otherwise, I was obviously looking for this type of attention. Later on in my teenage years, my step-father would tell me that he was so horrible about my weight, which was ridiculous because the majority of high school I was less than 120 lbs, was because he thought it would encourage me to lose weight! This is probably one of the reasons why my mother hates herself for gaining weight. While he did most of the damage to me, my ex and one of my childhood friends also were on me because I had curves and I didn't weigh 90 lbs (although, when I started high school I was 95). My mother didn't help because she was always talking about my wide butt, which wasn't actually all that wide, but my hips were -- from her, I might add. So, add that together with already fluctuating feelings of self-worth, and you have summed up my earliest struggles. I starved myself a few times. I didn't get to enjoy my body while I had it untouched. It wasn't until I had Trenton that I decided that the best way for me to feel better about myself wasn't to self-destruct but to work for what I wanted. So, I did. I still have issues with what pregnancy did to my body, and I know that I'll be scarred for the rest of my life. It is a constant struggle to accept that.
I've deleted the self-destructive actions, but the thought processes still remain. Yesterday, I was sobbing in my car and said I'd rather go back to smoking cigarettes and killing myself or than to be fat, and that I wanted to slice myself up. I know that these thoughts aren't healthy. I just don't see what everyone else sees, and to have put on this weight in such a short period of time, weighs heavy on me (pun not intended). It's hard for me to keep optimistic when the voice in the back of my head keeps nagging at me that it is hopeless.
But I keep pushing forward, and I know I'll be able to get where I want to be eventually. I just can't let myself get bogged down.
Good news is that I haven't been truly anxious in a few days, and it feels good to be more like me.
-- I blocked and removed the teacher on Facebook and MySpace. I have not gotten a negative backlash from it yet, but I am prepared to deal with the situation should he attempt to e-mail me. I want nothing to do with him, and one way or another, he will realize this.
-- The step-dad's sister, who caused the drama over my Facebook, removed me from her friends. She also removed my sisters and blocked my mother, and none of them did anything to warrant that. I can accept that she is a baby, and that she doesn't want to keep contact with me because I will not bend my actions to suit her, but the rest of my family did not deserve that treatment. It is amazing what can happen when you allow someone to show their true colors. Good riddance.
I think that all these things combined will take a great deal of stress off of me. I have enough issues without other people creating issues for me.
I have still been rather down about my weight, which I realize is counterproductive, because stress can actually cause weight gain. But it is really difficult for me, as I have always had issues with self image, a lot of which, again goes back to an abusive childhood.
Any time I gained any body fat, even just a little, it was pointed out to me and mocked. I was taught to cover it up and be ashamed of my body because it could cause impure sexual thoughts. If I did otherwise, I was obviously looking for this type of attention. Later on in my teenage years, my step-father would tell me that he was so horrible about my weight, which was ridiculous because the majority of high school I was less than 120 lbs, was because he thought it would encourage me to lose weight! This is probably one of the reasons why my mother hates herself for gaining weight. While he did most of the damage to me, my ex and one of my childhood friends also were on me because I had curves and I didn't weigh 90 lbs (although, when I started high school I was 95). My mother didn't help because she was always talking about my wide butt, which wasn't actually all that wide, but my hips were -- from her, I might add. So, add that together with already fluctuating feelings of self-worth, and you have summed up my earliest struggles. I starved myself a few times. I didn't get to enjoy my body while I had it untouched. It wasn't until I had Trenton that I decided that the best way for me to feel better about myself wasn't to self-destruct but to work for what I wanted. So, I did. I still have issues with what pregnancy did to my body, and I know that I'll be scarred for the rest of my life. It is a constant struggle to accept that.
I've deleted the self-destructive actions, but the thought processes still remain. Yesterday, I was sobbing in my car and said I'd rather go back to smoking cigarettes and killing myself or than to be fat, and that I wanted to slice myself up. I know that these thoughts aren't healthy. I just don't see what everyone else sees, and to have put on this weight in such a short period of time, weighs heavy on me (pun not intended). It's hard for me to keep optimistic when the voice in the back of my head keeps nagging at me that it is hopeless.
But I keep pushing forward, and I know I'll be able to get where I want to be eventually. I just can't let myself get bogged down.
Good news is that I haven't been truly anxious in a few days, and it feels good to be more like me.