(no subject)
Dear you*,
I know that I cannot allow you to run my life, even just for a brief moment. You are the one thing that makes me never want to trust another human being. You are the one thing that can make me feel like I want blow my brains out. And why? Because I can't accept that you happened. I have tried so hard to forgive those worthy. I've tried so hard to even just let time dull that intense burning that takes me over when you creep back it, but today, I felt it again. I gulped, tightened and bit down. I felt like I could break rocks with my teeth. It has been seven years since you happened. It has been almost three years since my worst fears were confirmed. But what about those four years in between? What about the lies? I never really quite feel like that will ever get resolved. I have little faith that any of it will get resolved to my liking because the fact that you happened remains. There is little than can be said or done to lull me or convince me to feel the way I did before because you changed me. Sometimes, I still feel your presence in my private moments. I feel like you've invaded my space. You tried to ruin my life, and now that you aren't in it, I can still feel the sting of all of those transgressions. I did nothing to deserve any of it, but time and time again I pay for it, for you. Will you ever just let me be? Will I ever let you? I don't see things the same way any more. I put too much faith in weak people, and now, it has left me the weakest of us all.
I hate you.
*Not a single person but a series of past events involving more than one offender.
I know that I cannot allow you to run my life, even just for a brief moment. You are the one thing that makes me never want to trust another human being. You are the one thing that can make me feel like I want blow my brains out. And why? Because I can't accept that you happened. I have tried so hard to forgive those worthy. I've tried so hard to even just let time dull that intense burning that takes me over when you creep back it, but today, I felt it again. I gulped, tightened and bit down. I felt like I could break rocks with my teeth. It has been seven years since you happened. It has been almost three years since my worst fears were confirmed. But what about those four years in between? What about the lies? I never really quite feel like that will ever get resolved. I have little faith that any of it will get resolved to my liking because the fact that you happened remains. There is little than can be said or done to lull me or convince me to feel the way I did before because you changed me. Sometimes, I still feel your presence in my private moments. I feel like you've invaded my space. You tried to ruin my life, and now that you aren't in it, I can still feel the sting of all of those transgressions. I did nothing to deserve any of it, but time and time again I pay for it, for you. Will you ever just let me be? Will I ever let you? I don't see things the same way any more. I put too much faith in weak people, and now, it has left me the weakest of us all.
I hate you.
*Not a single person but a series of past events involving more than one offender.