Creating Obstacles.
I find myself creating hardships for myself when I grow restless or bored of the existence I’ve created for myself. I’ve always done it at least subconsciously. A part of me just wants a distraction, while feeling the need to struggle -- the oppressed spirit is a feeling spirit. Truth be told, I feel the most like myself when I’m feeling sorrow. I seem to better articulate extreme emotions -- love, hate, fear, nostalgia -- than I can everything in between.
I am going through a particularly rough time right now, but I cannot determine how much of it is actual depression and how much it is just me being fed up with boredom. I find myself hating myself more than I usually do, but I know that a lot of that is the product of an ever-changing body chemistry and a change in how I see myself both mentally and physically.
I am “big” for me right now; most people don‘t pay much attention, but I do. The stress of reality and anxiety, the depression, the lifestyle that a nightshift job yields, quitting smoking -- they have all taken their toll on my physical self. When I am not physically my best, my emotional/spiritual self take an intense beating. It isn’t that I’m not taking steps to fix that, it’s just that it seems like an endless struggle to undertake. I have to work very hard for the things that I have, and my physical self is no different. In some ways, I am obsessed with reaching a goal, maintaining an ideal. That’s how I’m able to keep up with directives I create for myself; I tell myself that I have no choice, that failure is not a viable option.
In that way, I suppose that I’m incredibly ambitious. When I set my sights on something, I go after it. If I don’t like something about myself, I fix it. The problem that I have is that, while incredibly driven, I am also a procrastinator. I am constantly forcing myself to undergo extreme amounts of pressure to accomplish a goal. I don’t know that that is the best method for me to handle anything. The time I spend procrastinating, I have obsessive thoughts about what I should be doing, even to the point where create so much unneeded stress or I’m “mean” to myself for putting it off.
That is one of the ways that I create hardships for myself. I put things off and then, hate myself for doing it. This is going to be one of the main issues I attempt to tackle this year. If something is so intense that putting it off makes me panic or self-loathe, then I should probably be doing it to get it out of the way.
Another way I should be improving myself is instead of constantly thinking about things I’d like to do, I should do them. I’ve already started to apply this is modeling this year. Instead of sitting around and hoping for opportunities, I need to create opportunities. Instead of thinking about how much I want photoshoots, book shoots. Instead of thinking about how much I want to write a book, start writing. Doing otherwise sets me up to self-loathe or stress myself out. The only way to tackle fear is by going against it. Instead of being so damned shy about some of the things I want, just do it. Instead of thinking about all of the ways I’m not good enough, show that I have the confidence to rise above that.
Here’s a bit of self-talk:
Remember -- the reason that the few people who do hate you only do so because they lack the confidence that you possess. They are far more insecure in themselves than you can imagine. Remember that you are a strong person and that you can and will overcome any ailments, both real and imagined. YOU hold the key to creating a better world for yourself; no one else can do that for you and no one is capable of standing in your way.
You see -- I know what I need to do. I just need to stop the love/hate relationship with myself. I need to forgive myself, and just…let go.
I am going through a particularly rough time right now, but I cannot determine how much of it is actual depression and how much it is just me being fed up with boredom. I find myself hating myself more than I usually do, but I know that a lot of that is the product of an ever-changing body chemistry and a change in how I see myself both mentally and physically.
I am “big” for me right now; most people don‘t pay much attention, but I do. The stress of reality and anxiety, the depression, the lifestyle that a nightshift job yields, quitting smoking -- they have all taken their toll on my physical self. When I am not physically my best, my emotional/spiritual self take an intense beating. It isn’t that I’m not taking steps to fix that, it’s just that it seems like an endless struggle to undertake. I have to work very hard for the things that I have, and my physical self is no different. In some ways, I am obsessed with reaching a goal, maintaining an ideal. That’s how I’m able to keep up with directives I create for myself; I tell myself that I have no choice, that failure is not a viable option.
In that way, I suppose that I’m incredibly ambitious. When I set my sights on something, I go after it. If I don’t like something about myself, I fix it. The problem that I have is that, while incredibly driven, I am also a procrastinator. I am constantly forcing myself to undergo extreme amounts of pressure to accomplish a goal. I don’t know that that is the best method for me to handle anything. The time I spend procrastinating, I have obsessive thoughts about what I should be doing, even to the point where create so much unneeded stress or I’m “mean” to myself for putting it off.
That is one of the ways that I create hardships for myself. I put things off and then, hate myself for doing it. This is going to be one of the main issues I attempt to tackle this year. If something is so intense that putting it off makes me panic or self-loathe, then I should probably be doing it to get it out of the way.
Another way I should be improving myself is instead of constantly thinking about things I’d like to do, I should do them. I’ve already started to apply this is modeling this year. Instead of sitting around and hoping for opportunities, I need to create opportunities. Instead of thinking about how much I want photoshoots, book shoots. Instead of thinking about how much I want to write a book, start writing. Doing otherwise sets me up to self-loathe or stress myself out. The only way to tackle fear is by going against it. Instead of being so damned shy about some of the things I want, just do it. Instead of thinking about all of the ways I’m not good enough, show that I have the confidence to rise above that.
Here’s a bit of self-talk:
Remember -- the reason that the few people who do hate you only do so because they lack the confidence that you possess. They are far more insecure in themselves than you can imagine. Remember that you are a strong person and that you can and will overcome any ailments, both real and imagined. YOU hold the key to creating a better world for yourself; no one else can do that for you and no one is capable of standing in your way.
You see -- I know what I need to do. I just need to stop the love/hate relationship with myself. I need to forgive myself, and just…let go.