(no subject)
I had one of those dreams, where I woke up and had to remember what is real and what isn’t. This type of dream is reoccurring. I know what it means -- I have some very deep-seeded, unresolved issues about the rough patch I hit in my relationship some time ago. I know that I will never forget that terrible time in my life and the much-delayed struggle I had to undertake. But I’ve been coping. It used to consume me, but now, it only occasionally looms in the shadows.
Why now? Well, I think it is because my current struggle has made me very insecure, and while I have no reason to fear such, I am constantly afraid of loss --- that I’ll “go crazy” and lose everything in my life that means so much to me. It seems irrational, I’m sure, but my mind has been very irrational for a long time. But today is different. I am not filled with fear or panic or preoccupation with my physical self, but rather, I am, for the first time in so long, extremely emotional. I think that’s probably a good sign. It reminds me that I am human.
But getting back to the issue at hand -- I never felt like justice was served. I know it isn’t my place to deliver it, but how can I experience the type of closure I need without it or something like it?
Speaking of closure, last month, I closed the book on an old wound that had been around for about five years. It feels great to finally feel…nothing. For so long, I clung to the idea that things could have/will be different and I was filled with this insatiable longing that couldn’t ever quite be quenched. When my desires became reality, it was then, and only then, that I realized that my idea of what was real was romanticized at best. I no longer have any of those feelings, and I feel completely liberated.
It is nice to finally get some issues resolved. Again --- the one I mentioned at the onset of this entry is really the only thing that still gets under my skin and makes me realize that nothing is absolute.
The condensed version of the weekend:
Pittsburgh with desdemona47, cadesolitude and martyrsdescent. We did some shopping in Southside and had dinner at the Beehive. Then, we headed to Donora and spent the evening partying with winterminute and his roommate. I got far too drunk for my own good and had a splitting headache for most of Saturday.
Saturday, dinner with my boys at Maroma. That night, desdemona47, cadesolitude and oneboyarmy came up to our house. We watched American Dad and had a bonfire.
Today -- who knows? Hopefully, Mothers Day dinner?
Happy Mothers Day to:
errrantangel
heartsinarmor
lilfaerygoddess
lysandrea
pockets
I hope I didn’t miss anyone.
Tomorrow, TJ leaves again. I have been working in Clarksburg, and I’ll probably be there for several months. I’m not alone this time, which takes away some of my anxiety. Strawberry Festival is this week, which gives me something to do. I’ll be taking Trenton to parades and whatnot. This weekend should be fun.
Yesterday was 10 years since my grandma died. It doesn’t seem possible.
Last week, a kid I went to school with since elementary school died.
The house still seems weird without TJ’s grandma.
Oh yeah -- and I bought a new clarinet.
Why now? Well, I think it is because my current struggle has made me very insecure, and while I have no reason to fear such, I am constantly afraid of loss --- that I’ll “go crazy” and lose everything in my life that means so much to me. It seems irrational, I’m sure, but my mind has been very irrational for a long time. But today is different. I am not filled with fear or panic or preoccupation with my physical self, but rather, I am, for the first time in so long, extremely emotional. I think that’s probably a good sign. It reminds me that I am human.
But getting back to the issue at hand -- I never felt like justice was served. I know it isn’t my place to deliver it, but how can I experience the type of closure I need without it or something like it?
Speaking of closure, last month, I closed the book on an old wound that had been around for about five years. It feels great to finally feel…nothing. For so long, I clung to the idea that things could have/will be different and I was filled with this insatiable longing that couldn’t ever quite be quenched. When my desires became reality, it was then, and only then, that I realized that my idea of what was real was romanticized at best. I no longer have any of those feelings, and I feel completely liberated.
It is nice to finally get some issues resolved. Again --- the one I mentioned at the onset of this entry is really the only thing that still gets under my skin and makes me realize that nothing is absolute.
The condensed version of the weekend:
Pittsburgh with desdemona47, cadesolitude and martyrsdescent. We did some shopping in Southside and had dinner at the Beehive. Then, we headed to Donora and spent the evening partying with winterminute and his roommate. I got far too drunk for my own good and had a splitting headache for most of Saturday.
Saturday, dinner with my boys at Maroma. That night, desdemona47, cadesolitude and oneboyarmy came up to our house. We watched American Dad and had a bonfire.
Today -- who knows? Hopefully, Mothers Day dinner?
Happy Mothers Day to:
errrantangel
heartsinarmor
lilfaerygoddess
lysandrea
pockets
I hope I didn’t miss anyone.
Tomorrow, TJ leaves again. I have been working in Clarksburg, and I’ll probably be there for several months. I’m not alone this time, which takes away some of my anxiety. Strawberry Festival is this week, which gives me something to do. I’ll be taking Trenton to parades and whatnot. This weekend should be fun.
Yesterday was 10 years since my grandma died. It doesn’t seem possible.
Last week, a kid I went to school with since elementary school died.
The house still seems weird without TJ’s grandma.
Oh yeah -- and I bought a new clarinet.