(no subject)
And if I were to bat an eye
I’d watch it slip
And pass me by
I’d drift away
out to sea
And let the waves
bury me*
I have not had a very good couple of days mentally. Physically, I'm sick with a viral sinus infection. How do I know that it's viral? Because Trenton has the same illness. I have been battling a sore throat, congestion, blocked ear, sneezing and expulsion of orange/yellow mucus for a couple of days now. I am starting to feel better, but I have a feeling that my spike of anxiety is at least partially due to not feeling 100 percent healthwise; whatever that is. I haven't been well all this year.
I just hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am sick of living [read:not living] my life like this. I have felt pretty outside of myself a lot lately. I have been battling for months this notion that I need to question the reality created by my senses and panic at my existence in general. I know that this behavior is destructive. I don't feel like it is beneficial for me to travel down this road, but I also feel like it is hopeless, at times, to attack it. I have talked to people who have been there, and apparently, this is a normal part of the process. I hope that I a.) am anxiety free by the end of the year or b.) manage it at reasonable levels. I have been experiencing some progress, such as emotions and good feelings I haven't felt in a long time. Honestly, I don't think that Leila could have come into my life at a better time.
I know that working night shift isn't helping my cause. While the job itself is very low stress, my internal clock is extremely confused. I feel zombie-like most of the time, confused and disconnected. I have always been a bit of a night owl, but having to maintain this lifestyle five days a week has taken its toll on me. I hate that I eat, sleep and function mostly off from other people and alone with my thoughts.
It is hard to see the good around me sometimes, and truly enjoying those things is very difficult. I am trying to draw inspiration from many different points and make peace with my mortality the best I can. It is my fear of death that is holding me back from achieving better things. I need to learn to accept that I cannot be in control of everything in my life. If I had not developed anxiety problems from this experience, I probably would have or at the very least had to deal with my issues in a very real way down the road. I need to realize that the one thing that I am in control of is my anxiety. It can only continue to thrive if I chose to acknowledge its existence. That is one of the key points I learned in therapy, and it was when I started to truly apply that that I saw progress.
I realize also that I am still going through significant changes to my body chemistry, and that is the most likely culprit at this point. I went off of birth control almost 9 months ago, and Saturday will mark two full months without cigarettes. I saw a drop in my anxiety right before I quit smoking, which is why I chose to quit at the time. I anticipated a peak, and I'm sure I am also peaking on birth control related issues as it is getting close to the time in which it will all be out of my system. I feel worse now than I have in a long time in so many ways, but better in other ways that remind me that I am still me and fundamentally, I have not changed. In many ways, I am better. I listen to people around me better, I have less issues with anger and rage, I can stick to a project for a longer period of time and I have pretty good ideas of how my life should be lived. I am more optimistic about most things, don't let petty things get under my skin as easily and I have been cutting ties with those who only seek to bring suffering. I am generally kinder but more likely to speak my mind.
I need to remember that I am a good person. I just need to let go of bad things. Anxiety is nothing more than an entity that seeks to tell me lies and hold me back. Living life is so much more important to me.
*Hooray for getting back into writing!