(no subject)
I have had to do much soul-searching this year. I have undergone so many changes and have transformed in so many ways. Some things, I don't feel quite comfortable with. For example, not smoking, while beneficial for my health, seems to contradict my personality type. I find myself not being able to drink alcohol the same way I have been able to do in previous years, and my hypersensitivity due to anxiety makes the day after seem odd to me. I find myself not wanting to stay up late as a did before because I have to do it for work. My sleep schedule is so abnormal, I find myself craving the life of a day walker, which is completely opposite of my creature of the night complex.
I think what it all really comes down to is that, with all of my mental/emotional/bodily changes, I am been forced to notice, for the first time, that I am getting older. I don't crave/want/need/feel things the way that I did when I was younger. I am slowly finding myself coming more responsible, practical and for the most part, rational, despite obvious and regular lapses in judgment.
I wonder what the future has in store for me. I would like to know that my anxiety will be manageable soon, and I will not live in constant fear of something being wrong with me or dying or any other such uncontrollable nonsense my mind chooses to fixate on because I was forced to feel pretty intense things I had never experienced before all at once.
I find myself pampering myself with good things more often lately, and that seems to be helping my current status. I have been hard up since I quit smoking, and I've just tried to learn to deal with those odd feelings. I have taken on more interests and interactions, and I hope that those things blossom into good feelings all around. Despite being able to keep my wits about things, my mind still tries to convince me that I'm going crazy sometimes. I am starting to feel things differently now -- better. I think that good things are waiting for me.
But on a sadder note, one of my very first LJ friends, who lives in my town but I have never met in person, is dying. She always had many health problems, and I found out through a mutual friend that they will be unplugging her life support Friday. cym and I had fallen out of touch after I changed journals. I wish that I would have gotten to meet her or at least talk to her again. She always had such wonderful things to say to me when I needed them. I hope that she has a peaceful passing, and that those who care about her the most are able to heal emotional wounds as best as they possibly can.
I think what it all really comes down to is that, with all of my mental/emotional/bodily changes, I am been forced to notice, for the first time, that I am getting older. I don't crave/want/need/feel things the way that I did when I was younger. I am slowly finding myself coming more responsible, practical and for the most part, rational, despite obvious and regular lapses in judgment.
I wonder what the future has in store for me. I would like to know that my anxiety will be manageable soon, and I will not live in constant fear of something being wrong with me or dying or any other such uncontrollable nonsense my mind chooses to fixate on because I was forced to feel pretty intense things I had never experienced before all at once.
I find myself pampering myself with good things more often lately, and that seems to be helping my current status. I have been hard up since I quit smoking, and I've just tried to learn to deal with those odd feelings. I have taken on more interests and interactions, and I hope that those things blossom into good feelings all around. Despite being able to keep my wits about things, my mind still tries to convince me that I'm going crazy sometimes. I am starting to feel things differently now -- better. I think that good things are waiting for me.
But on a sadder note, one of my very first LJ friends, who lives in my town but I have never met in person, is dying. She always had many health problems, and I found out through a mutual friend that they will be unplugging her life support Friday. cym and I had fallen out of touch after I changed journals. I wish that I would have gotten to meet her or at least talk to her again. She always had such wonderful things to say to me when I needed them. I hope that she has a peaceful passing, and that those who care about her the most are able to heal emotional wounds as best as they possibly can.